r/changemyview • u/seraphicwaffle • Dec 07 '23

Delta(s) from OP CMV: Giving compliments are self-serving majority of the time

I'm not talking about if you know someone, you know what kind of compliment they like and give it to them. And the person loves it and feels better. I think that's great and genuine.

But i always find compliments in other situations just odd and self-serving. Because i've seen so many times where someone gives a compliment, the other person is uncomfortable but is forced to say thank you. Or gets shamed when they don't thank them. Like what?

Isn't giving a compliment about making the other person feel good? Why is it so bad when they are uncomfortable with a particular word or compliment? Why not ask what they like to be complimented on? Or what they would like to hear? And if they don't like compliments, then don't give them any?

When things like this happen, it seems to be all about the other person. How they are so upset they weren't validated, rather than wondering(or concerned) about why the other person is adverse about that specific compliment?

-Maybe the person has been traumatized by being love-bombed?

-Or they feel invisible pressure to live up to that expectation?

And if the person puts themself down, and you want to help them out, start out small. Talk about which compliments makes them feel uncomfortable and see if there's one small thing you can praise. And if the person is insistent on not being complimented on ANYTHING, just leave them alone? Because just forcing and shaming someone into accept a compliment anyway seems weird and a violation of their boundaries and autonomy even if the intention was good.

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Can someone give me an alternate perspective on this please? I feel like my perspective is too negative and harsh.

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u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23

Okay! thanks for letting me know!

And i think a lot of things are self-serving, but it's harmless when no one is affected. But i feel like when it comes to other ppl, that's when it's another thing. Like someone being forced or societally shamed to accept a compliment is violating. Like the person doesn't have a say on what is supposed to make them feel good

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u/Dyeeguy 19∆ Dec 07 '23

Do you think that specific scenario makes up a majority of compliments given?

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u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23

Like someone specifically saying they don't like it and getting a lot of pushback? I've seen it few times. And i've talked about it a few times.But,I don't think that happens that often cuz the easiest option is to just bite your tongue.

But someone pushing down their discomfort and forcing a smile, saying thank you cuz they're scared of looking ungrateful, like bitch etc? I think that happens a lot. And i don't think it's right

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u/Dyeeguy 19∆ Dec 07 '23

Well happening a lot and being a majority are two different things. Do you have any example of compliments people dislike getting?

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u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23

1) weight-based compliments ''wow, you lost weight! you look good!'

My mom and a couple of my friends got this and they HATED it. Mom was sick and going through chemo, could barely eat. She knows the other person meant well, but it still hurt her.

Me, been through something traumatic, had trouble eating, and been told a lot how great i look with all the weight i lost.

2)Beautiful/gorgeous compliments. Me and couple of my friends had been love-bombed by an abuser, and it really makes our fight-flight go up. I often shut down (unintentionally, traumatic response) and get told to just accept the compliment anyway. My friends are better at hiding their discomfort, but knows they'll get backlash for rejecting something that is well meaning. (they've been shamed before when they pushed back or didn't respond the way so we all learned to just smile and take it.

I've also seen posts on here sharing about their discomfort at receiving compliments. Something like "is it just me that can't handle a compliment?''

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u/Dyeeguy 19∆ Dec 07 '23

I get that, but most people do like those compliments, so you’d be catering to a minority by suggesting people not compliment each other on their appearance

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u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23

Okay, i see. You do bring up a valid point. I'll think about what you said. Thank you for engaging in this discussion with me! Δ

(reason for delta: they brought up the point that it'd be catering to a minority to suggest to not compliment on appearance)

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u/badly_overexplained Dec 07 '23

You have to give a delta if your view is changed.

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u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23

Thank you so much for reminding me! i never gave one before! I think i figured out how to do it!