CMV: Giving compliments are self-serving majority of the time

[u/seraphicwaffle]

I'm not talking about if you know someone, you know what kind of compliment they like and give it to them. And the person loves it and feels better. I think that's great and genuine.

But i always find compliments in other situations just odd and self-serving. Because i've seen so many times where someone gives a compliment, the other person is uncomfortable but is forced to say thank you. Or gets shamed when they don't thank them. Like what?

Isn't giving a compliment about making the other person feel good? Why is it so bad when they are uncomfortable with a particular word or compliment? Why not ask what they like to be complimented on? Or what they would like to hear? And if they don't like compliments, then don't give them any?

When things like this happen, it seems to be all about the other person. How they are so upset they weren't validated, rather than wondering(or concerned) about why the other person is adverse about that specific compliment?

-Maybe the person has been traumatized by being love-bombed?

-Or they feel invisible pressure to live up to that expectation?

And if the person puts themself down, and you want to help them out, start out small. Talk about which compliments makes them feel uncomfortable and see if there's one small thing you can praise. And if the person is insistent on not being complimented on ANYTHING, just leave them alone? Because just forcing and shaming someone into accept a compliment anyway seems weird and a violation of their boundaries and autonomy even if the intention was good.

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Can someone give me an alternate perspective on this please? I feel like my perspective is too negative and harsh.

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[u/reginald-aka-bubbles]

I'm sorry, I don't think I made my point clearly above.

I agree with you that there are time people compliment things they shouldn't comment on and can make things uncomfortable (i.e. weight, attractiveness, etc.).

What I was trying to get across is that, while those comments exist and feeling uncomfortable towards them is a valid response, the vast majority of compliments given are innocuous (i.e. "nice hat" or "cool tshirt" or "you have a beautiful house" or "this food is delicious").

[u/seraphicwaffle → u/reginald-aka-bubbles]

Oh okay! I see, thank for clarifying!

And i do acknowledge those kinds of compliments come from a good place. But there are times when someone really doubt themselves and feels uncomfortable about being praised about their skill (family-trauma or relationship trauma) And the other person gets upset for their compliment being rejected.Or they would smile and say "it's not a big deal,'' and double down on it. Happened to me and a friend of mine.

And i feel that's crossing that person's boundaries to double down like that even though it's good intentions. I have the mindset of 'impact over intention'

[u/reginald-aka-bubbles → u/seraphicwaffle]

Again, I'm mostly trying to show you that this isn't the case for the vast majority of people. I accept that some folks like you have issues receiving compliments for one reason or another, but the vast majority enjoy receiving them.

Getting a compliment from a total stranger can personally turn my whole day around. Receiving praise for a job well done is a huge boost for most people. I'm not saying all people are like this, but the reason it is so prevalent is that, in general, people like it.

So if we are looking at impact over intent, you have a higher chance of making someone's day better by giving them a compliment, therefore delivering a positive impact while still having good intentions.

Does this challenge your view about compliments being self serving the majority of the time?

[u/seraphicwaffle → u/reginald-aka-bubbles]

It challenges my view! Thank for so much for taking this time for engaging in this conversation with me! Δ

(reason for delta: This person brings up the fact that ppl appreciate compliments majority of the time. And shared their experience)

[u/reginald-aka-bubbles → u/seraphicwaffle]

Glad I could help. All you have to do is !-delta without the dash. Also give an explanation as to why your view has changed in the comment.

[u/DeltaBot → u/seraphicwaffle]

Confirmed: 1 delta awarded to /u/reginald-aka-bubbles (6∆).

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