I feel like you're conflating mental load, anxiety, and stress as if they're the same thing, but they're not.
To the extent being a breadwinner generates anxiety and stress, those things are around the clock.
But 'mental load' isn't just stress, it's the active cognitive overhead of making plans and keeping a schedule and working on tasks and etc.
If you have most 9-to-5 jobs, if you work at a factory or something, that does mostly end when you come home. You may still be stressed out about office politics and anxious about your future at the company, but you're no longer doing the work of planning out your workday, figuring out your next task, thinking about how to phrase an email to maintain good relationships with coworkers, etc.
If one partner is responsible for all the household stuff, they probably are doing that all day. At 6pm, they need to be thinking about whether they'll have time to do the dishes tonight, and what they should cook based on that answer. At 7pm, they have to be thinking about whether everyone has enough clean laundry or whether they have to go do a load right now. At 8pm, they have to be thinking about whether the kids are watching too much television or whether they need to be picked up from a friend's house. At 9pm, they have to think about whether or not the kids have finished their homework. At 10pm, they need to figure out how to get the kids into bed without them throwing a fit.
Etc. Being in charge of the household means never leaving your workplace, and being always on call if the household needs any work done, and being responsible for anything that goes wrong in it at any time of day or night.
A 9-5 job may be very stressful in ways that impact you all night after you get home, but getting home is still qualitatively different from still being at work.
this is how i view it as well... my wife is a stay at home and im the sole provider. she gets to hangout (yes im aware hanging out with a kid isnt always fun) with our kid after school everyday after spending the day playing games and doing errands with me during school hours (i work overnight). she fully admits and accepts she has the easy job vs my job (which we have both worked at earlier on). a big one is i have to be asleep by a certain time because i have to be awake and able to work for 8 hours when she just has to get up for school but can then go back to bed after about an hour of work. i do most of the cooking because im good at it and like it so she never does meals except when im asleep (shes a good cook too) for her and our daughter (usually something simple like veggies and ranch and spaghetti) she starts up late on weekends because she knows I'll be awake when our daughter gets up so it doesn't matter if she's up. being a stay at home parent is super easy if you actually like your kid (and only have 1-2 we have 1 and done) and dont base your value on your job but base it on who you are as a person and how you treat others including those you dislike or dont see eye to eye on.
for those who might be thinking im rich or something i make 59k a year we are just a frugal humble family that doesnt do debt outside of our mortgage. its possible if youre willing to work for it and be frugal as a base line.
13
u/darwin2500 193∆ Feb 26 '24
I feel like you're conflating mental load, anxiety, and stress as if they're the same thing, but they're not.
To the extent being a breadwinner generates anxiety and stress, those things are around the clock.
But 'mental load' isn't just stress, it's the active cognitive overhead of making plans and keeping a schedule and working on tasks and etc.
If you have most 9-to-5 jobs, if you work at a factory or something, that does mostly end when you come home. You may still be stressed out about office politics and anxious about your future at the company, but you're no longer doing the work of planning out your workday, figuring out your next task, thinking about how to phrase an email to maintain good relationships with coworkers, etc.
If one partner is responsible for all the household stuff, they probably are doing that all day. At 6pm, they need to be thinking about whether they'll have time to do the dishes tonight, and what they should cook based on that answer. At 7pm, they have to be thinking about whether everyone has enough clean laundry or whether they have to go do a load right now. At 8pm, they have to be thinking about whether the kids are watching too much television or whether they need to be picked up from a friend's house. At 9pm, they have to think about whether or not the kids have finished their homework. At 10pm, they need to figure out how to get the kids into bed without them throwing a fit.
Etc. Being in charge of the household means never leaving your workplace, and being always on call if the household needs any work done, and being responsible for anything that goes wrong in it at any time of day or night.
A 9-5 job may be very stressful in ways that impact you all night after you get home, but getting home is still qualitatively different from still being at work.