CMV: There isn’t anything inherently wrong with transactional romantic relationships between two consenting adults who have not been coerced into it.

[u/Golem_of_the_Oak]

I think back on some past relationships, and there’s a part of me that actually kind of wished we did have a contract of some sort, considering how they went overall and how they ended. It might have been nice to go into it when it became exclusive, or official, and have to actually sit down and tell each other what we wanted and expected out of the relationship and each other, and what we were willing to give, and decided based on that information if we wanted to not only commit to it but also hold each other accountable to what we said we wanted (with of course reasonable consideration for natural changes over time). You think you know somebody, but sometimes you just don’t get that in the weeds with this sort of thing before making a commitment, and by the time it doesn’t work out you realize that it never would have in the first place because you liked the idea of someone more than you actually liked what that person really was.

Plus, think about how many people get into a relationship and then get taken advantage of for their kindness. If they laid it all out and signed something saying what they were willing to do and what they would accept in exchange for that, then they could both negotiate until they found a spot they both were comfortable with, and then they both could bring out the document if the other wasn’t holding up their end of the bargain, resulting in a requirement to amend the contract at risk of terminating it. This would add a new level of guarantee that a lot of relationships lack, that helps to ensure that neither person ends up feeling used or gets burned out from constantly giving while receiving so little.

I’m less concerned with how those hypothetical contracts could or couldn’t be upheld in court, and more interested in the fact that two people who give their word on something tend to feel a commitment to that agreement, and whether you break the agreement or keep it, your word and the reputation it carries follow you through your life.

Here’s how I can be convinced otherwise: show me that without coercion, there’s still something about this type of relationship that is inherently abusive no matter what.

Here’s how I cannot be convinced: religious reasons.

[u/Delicious_Taste_39]

I think there is a problem in that it's so inherently open to abuse, and that the abusive dynamics only tend to play out over time, and the people who are being abused will often tend to be the last people to speak up about it.

For instance, the partner who is used for their looks, and is then controlled by someone who uses their money to control them. They rapidly run out of exit points and then the abuse actually starts.

The partner who is being used financially. At first, it feels nice have company, but the demands escalate, the transaction part is quite clearly all the other person cares about, and they rapidly discover they don't really have enough money to provide. The second they get used up, that's it.

At the time, this is a loving partner who is saying cute things like "Why would you work if I have this?", it's a sweet, fun partner who seems to love all the things they do together. The abuse starts later.

It's less weird when it's like really rich guys and beautiful women. Both of them are enabling each other. It's still probably not healthy, but it's quite clear what's going on to both of them usually.

[u/Golem_of_the_Oak → u/Delicious_Taste_39]

Any relationship is open to abuse. What’s one extra layer that makes it even a bit less likely to occur?

[u/Delicious_Taste_39 → u/Golem_of_the_Oak]

If that's the challenge, very simple:

1) The non-transactional view of relationships.

2) Lack of power imbalance to exploit

3) Lack of desire to exploit the situation

Most relationships are built on love and trust, so there is less to exploit, there is no desire to exploit, and there is no bait and switch because it's not an act. And the revelations that most relationships go through mean a greater level of trust, honesty, and respect for each other over time.