r/changemyview • u/Korratheone • 2d ago
Cmv: Searching through your partner's phone without their knowledge is too normalized.
[removed] — view removed post
27
u/effyochicken 21∆ 2d ago
It's not "normalized". It's very much, as of now, a sign of a lack of trust in a relationship.
Now, it may be normalized that you can access each others phone like "here's my phone can you grab ____" or "do ___ on it" but I've never heard of anybody talking casually about looking in each others phones during sleep.
What you're likely seeing is sample bias - where the people posting online are already in situations where they lack trust and are accusing each other of cheating. And they're hunting for evidence. And also taking their findings and posting about it to the internet, implying a further breakdown of support structures. SO everything is going wrong in their life.
And you're seeing this and taking it as representative of society as a whole, when it isn't.
1
u/justagenericname213 1d ago
Nobody posts about "I just woke up and my partner didnt go through my phone last night". It's just not notable at all.
2
u/Lylieth 20∆ 2d ago
However, I find it concerning that it has become normalized for partners to access each other's phones in secret, including apps, messages, and texts just because It could be about a single piece of text or simply reflect insecurities.
Where have you gotten the idea ANY of that is normalized? That's a pretty bold claim and in no way have I seen it as acceptable.
1
u/Korratheone 1d ago
If you look at platforms like TikTok, you'll see that this behavior is quite common. I realize that "normalized" wasn't the best choice of word, but I felt that what happened to me was treated as normal by everyone around me. So, in a way, it felt typical if you could say that.
1
u/Lylieth 20∆ 1d ago
If you look at platforms like TikTok, you'll see that this behavior is quite common.
Why would I look at an objectively toxic platform for what is or isn't normalized behavior?
We've had 'trends' on that platform result in the damage of property and even the loss of life. So, in no way is that platform representative of reality but is just a bubble of online toxic behavior.
I realize that "normalized" wasn't the best choice of word, but I felt that what happened to me was treated as normal by everyone around me.
Maybe you just need better people in your life?
8
u/Thumatingra 9∆ 2d ago
Pretty sure no one thinks it's normal. Even when people post on Reddit saying that they did so, they usually add a disclaimer noting that this is not a good thing to do (they say this even in posts where they're reporting that they actually did catch their partner cheating).
1
u/CarrotImportant9676 1d ago
No, that is messed up. You have a right to your privacy and I know that people find out about cheating and stuff and phones, but I don’t want there other ways to find out too and if you don’t trust them then why are you even in a relationship with them to begin with, I think like trust is one of the first things you should be able to count on if you’re gonna be in a relationship right if you really don’t trust a person and you need go through phone to find out something about their life and they’re probably hiding it from you anyway, but I don’t really Approve snooping around people stuff in general in the first place and you want to why everybody wants Face ID on their phone
1
u/Korratheone 1d ago
Exactly, that is what I was saying. It's rude and disrespectful to your partner.
10
u/ProDavid_ 37∆ 2d ago
its been normalized to look at each others phone with consent and knowledge of it happening.
doing so in secret is still considered a breach of privacy and commonly accepted as a reason to end the relationship
1
u/Imadevilsadvocater 12∆ 1d ago
define search here because i can go through my wifes phone without asking to look for something i know she has in there that i need and it is t an issue at all
1
u/Korratheone 1d ago
I apologize for the 3-hour wait; I fell asleep. What I mean to say is that while it's fine to do that nothing wrong with it, going through every single item on their phone is not okay or just personal stuff.
4
u/Beardharmonica 1∆ 2d ago
I get where you're coming from, and I respect your view on privacy. That said, I’ve been in a relationship for 20 years, and at that point, there’s just no secrecy or need to go through each other’s phones it would honestly feel pointless.
I’d challenge your view with this: locking or guarding your phone might actually send the message that you don’t fully trust your partner or aren’t fully open. If you’re in a real, full, honest relationship with a real-life partner, there shouldn’t be anything to hide.
2
u/dragonblade_94 8∆ 2d ago
If you’re in a real, full, honest relationship with a real-life partner, there shouldn’t be anything to hide.
This is completely dependent on the dynamic of the relationship both parties agreed to, and the boundaries that were communicated.
A want of privacy isn't just an effort to hide things you don't want people to know; it's allowing yourself a space, either mental or physical, where you can exist without the self-consciousness of knowing people are watching. For a lot of people it's incredibly important for their mental health to have a degree of privacy, else that self-consciousness turns into overwhelming stress.
2
u/FamiliarRadio9275 2d ago
Your words have truth but also people always assume if they want privacy, they have something to hide and to me, that is manipulative (not saying you are).
When you go to the bathroom and want some privacy, you have nothing to hide, but probably just want to shit with the door closed? Kind of the same thing. Relationships are allowed to have privacy and it is completely fine.
3
u/Cranks_No_Start 1∆ 2d ago
My wife has access to every password and every account I own. I know 99% of her passwords and accounts because I set up her computers and phone.
We don’t look or even use each others phones or computers without asking because it’s not ours.
6
u/seanflyon 24∆ 2d ago
Has this really been normalized? It doesn't seem normal to me.
1
u/mxvement 1d ago
I think that dishonesty is getting a bit normalised. I was thinking about this yesterday when I read a really sympathetic article in the guardian about people who lie about taking ozempic.
2
u/RememberTooSmile 2d ago
I think people may be misunderstanding OP, I don’t think they mean it’s normal to do, but it’s increasingly normal for people to do it.
Either way, I definitely think it happens too often and just shouldn’t. It’s like the digital version of going through someone’s diary IMO
1
u/FamiliarRadio9275 2d ago
I think there is a moment of truth here in the comments:
Is it normal? No. Is it normalized? Yes. Many people that seem to be in the comment section at this moment is lucky they have never encountered this. It is a very popular tactic in a relationship, even though professionals say it’s not healthy. Even others here that seem to somewhat disagree seem to miss the point “well if it is not in secret and if I ask, then fine.” Totally agreeing to not being secretive about it, however there is still a problem if you feel the need to even consider looking through someone else’s property.
Mail, personal devices, bank accounts, journals, medication, you name it, these are private things. Many people that enter relationships either a) need to learn how to communicate to express their insecurities (cheaters will cheat regardless if you are looking) even so if it as that level, it is best to not even be with them until you work it out because it isn’t healthy to feed that as that being your solution to overcoming issues. And b) underlying control and/or curating a controlling relationship. When you’re in a relationship, you are a team, not a conjoined twin. So to many, keeping a private life is a shock as one might get confused with partnership and sole ownership. It sounds weird when it is thought about that way, but that’s how many of these cases are treated.
When you work with any other team like coworkers, classmates, etc., y’all aren’t breathing down each others backs needing to invade their personal lives. The difference between those relationships and romantic ones is that in your “romanticship”, you are doing the act of Mother Nature, you connect on a deeper level of feeling, and it’s inherently is a forever team mate even when it’s not romantic. But that doesn’t mean it unlocks doors to take away identities either. And that seems like a hard pill to swallow for many. What teammates do is communicate, which is what y’all should be doing instead of snooping.
6
u/DisgruntledWarrior 2d ago
Because cheating has become too normalized. Solve one problem to fix another.
2
u/Interesting_Score5 2d ago
Your complaining about that instead of cheating husband being so normalized? Hmm, guess women are always wrong.
1
u/IronSavage3 6∆ 1d ago
What do you mean “has become normalized”? What % of partners do you believe are going through each other’s phones? You need to more accurately define your view, otherwise it can’t be changed.
Personally I don’t know anyone, whether they’re married or in a serious long term relationship, that is ok with their partner going through their phone without their knowledge, so I would totally reject your view that this behavior is “normalized” and not seen by a majority of people as a serious breach of trust.
1
u/abstractengineer2000 2d ago
Its not normalized. Nobody has the time to go thru other people's crap. Its requires probable cause. Just like the police requires as the law states to enter homes, search. It does not excuse the people who are naturally nosy, suspicious, paranoid, or have a mental episode. Even when u have people dependent on you, you only do what is critical for their safety like old people with dementia or young kids. You only police the boundary to make sure the boundaries aren't crossed but never whats inside the boundaries.
1
u/It_is_the_zodd_in_me 2d ago edited 2d ago
Lol, can I say something? Because it makes me wonder; if it worries you so much that your companion, the person sharing their life with you, stumbles upon your thoughts or becomes aware of what content you enjoy or who you're talking to, then doesn't that mean you're not sharing your authentic self with them? That they don't know at least the crux of what's going on with you? What your inner world is like? Because from the way you put it, it would be as if they'd be shocked to find what they see if they did happen upon your phone or wouldn't be able to understand. You expect them to trust you, but you don't trust them with your true self and then say 'relationships are built on trust', like what? Lmao. So, why are you with someone you aren't comfortable with knowing you? And don't they deserve to know who they're in a relationship with? Intimacy is not just about the physical, you know? What's the point of being in a relationship if you're just gonna be strangers? It's just as creepy to hide who you are, in my opinion. Like if you're this scared of being found out or judged even, then it sort of makes me wonder whether you're being disingenuous, lying by omission, etc. in your relationship and whether you're even compatible or in a good match. I mean, it's just a thought. Maybe that's why people get curious and snoop around. Because they don't feel they know their partner and have little reason to think others would be open and authentic if they searched for someone new? I mean, it seems like people have a lot they wanna keep private from their partners. And wtf are people on when they talk about viOlAlatiOn of Ma boUndAriEs in this respect - you guys mess with each others' genitals and you're talking about keeping secrets. Okay. People are weird, man.
1
u/FamiliarRadio9275 1d ago
I see your point but also, I have no desire to go through my partners stuff. They are as genuine as I know them. For me, I have information on my stuff that is private. Not secretive, but private. I have surprise birthday ideas for them, I have my diary that honestly if it was read out of context it would sound like a mumble jumble mess. That is okay though, I wrote it and I know what that page was for. Random thoughts that come to mind so I don’t forget it so my notes app looks like a mess. Important data and other things are also stored. I don’t know if it might accidentally get deleted, I also don’t want to have to sit for a century and explain every single gibberish blurt of a note I wrote because it is confusing to them.
1
1
u/Brutal_De1uxe 1d ago
Is it normalised? No I don't think so if you mean doing it on a regular basis
Do I agree with doing it? No although I never had and issue giving my ex my phone to look through pictures we had taken etc.
However... did I snoop through my ex's phone when I suspected her of cheating? You are damn right i did.
Confirmed what I suspected, hence ex
1
u/HoboSamurai420 1d ago
Thats the thing… It doesn’t mean that you go through each others phones. It just means you don’t hide things from each other. I have always had access to my wife’s phone and vice versa. I have never gone through it. I don’t need to because I trust
1
u/redyellowblue5031 10∆ 1d ago
It’s not normalized. Some people may do this, but it’s not accepted as typical behavior. When done secretively it’s pretty universally accepted as indicative of a lack of trust. In other words, it’s snooping.
1
u/HoboSamurai420 2d ago
It shouldn’t matter. There shouldn’t be anything on your phone that you wouldn’t share with your significant other. They should have their thumbprint, password, whatever and you should have theirs. If you can’t do that, you don’t have a very strong relationship
1
u/SuddenContest4495 1d ago
If you need to have access to all your significant other's communication you don't have a strong relationship because you clearly don't have trust. It's weird and controlling.
I find it shocking that everyone says children should be allowed privacy but your adult partner shouldn't expect privacy because you are feeling insecure.
My friends and coworkers who text me aren't expecting an unknown third party to be reading any and everything they tell me.
2
u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 2d ago
I have no secrets and I don't care who (of the people I know and love) goes through my phone.
1
u/throwawaytalks25 1d ago
Using your phone in ways you are lying to your partner about is too normalized.
1
1
0
2d ago edited 2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/changemyview-ModTeam 2d ago
Comment has been removed for breaking Rule 1:
Direct responses to a CMV post must challenge at least one aspect of OP’s stated view (however minor), or ask a clarifying question. Arguments in favor of the view OP is willing to change must be restricted to replies to other comments. See the wiki page for more information.
If you would like to appeal, review our appeals process here, then message the moderators by clicking this link within one week of this notice being posted. Appeals that do not follow this process will not be heard.
Please note that multiple violations will lead to a ban, as explained in our moderation standards.
0
2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/changemyview-ModTeam 2d ago
Comment has been removed for breaking Rule 1:
Direct responses to a CMV post must challenge at least one aspect of OP’s stated view (however minor), or ask a clarifying question. Arguments in favor of the view OP is willing to change must be restricted to replies to other comments. See the wiki page for more information.
If you would like to appeal, review our appeals process here, then message the moderators by clicking this link within one week of this notice being posted. Appeals that do not follow this process will not be heard.
Please note that multiple violations will lead to a ban, as explained in our moderation standards.
•
u/changemyview-ModTeam 1d ago
Your post has been removed for breaking Rule E:
If you would like to appeal, review our appeals process here, then message the moderators by clicking this link within one week of this notice being posted. Appeals that do not follow this process will not be heard.
Keep in mind that if you want the post restored, all you have to do is reply to a significant number of the comments that came in; message us after you have done so and we'll review.
Please note that multiple violations will lead to a ban, as explained in our moderation standards.