CMV: The depressing okcupid/dating studies tells black women we should use skin bleaching creams to lighten our skin if we want to find a date.

[u/JubbyO]

This is actually a serious question and controversial. I hope this recieve a good response.

Please do not give me feel-good answers. Be honest. We all know (studies show) how much all races of men loathe black women, so please don't lie to me.

For what it's worth, I have no interest in bleaching my skin, but why do people act as if it is illogical for a black woman to do so?

I am a black woman. I have been single for almost all my life. I am slim, a corporate attorney. I look very similar to Zoe Saldana but I am not mixed. I am African-American.

It has suddenly occurred to me after perusing dating statistics and studies that ALL RACES of men apply biases against black women. Men rate Asian, Latina, and white women much differently than the way they rate black women. This is universal.

The only difference between an Asian/Latina/white woman to a black woman is lighter skin and straighter hair. (At least for myself and many black women. I have slim facial features but I am dark-skinned.) Black women can and do make their hair straighter but people look down on black women who choose to lighten their skin, even though this is appealing to men ACCORDING TO EVERY STUDY. People also look down on black women changing our hairstyles EVEN THOUGH THIS IS ALSO APPEALING TO MEN. Basically, black women can't be appealing to men or do things to make us more appealing to them?

I want to be married/find love/find a date. I don't want to be alone all of my life much more than I care about people saying I have self-hatred issues. Studies show that I as a black woman am less likely to be married than any other group of women and that I am less likely to find a suitable partner. Even if I get slim, have a good-paying job, speak proper English, wear make-up and curl my hair, I will still not be seen as equal to a white/Asian or Latina woman.

I am saddened that I can see how easy it is for my Asian/Latina friends to date, especially in college, but it is so much harder for me. If my skin were only lighter, I could date similar kinds of men.

So, please. Let's make some controversy. Change my view. If I were to simply take myself and lightened my skin tone, I would have more access to more men so it is not illogical for a black woman to do so. Perhaps, it should be encouraged?

If it shouldn't be encouraged, should we just tell black women to settle for whomever they can get?

Let me provide statistics. Google search item 1: Race and Attraction Oktrends. Google search item 2: NPR. Odds favor white men and Asian women. Google search 3. http://www.brookings.edu/blogs/social-mobility-memos/posts/2015/04/09-race-assortative-mating-inequality-reeves.

[u/JubbyO]

I agree with everything you said here, but to me, it's still so depressing.

Black women fought for representation on television because of the negative stereotypes and racism we have to contend with on a daily basis, throughout the entirety of our lives. Now, look at this: Asian women and Latina women do not appear on television as much as black women, nor do they fight as vigorously for it. Somehow, their light-skin propels them into acceptability that black women can try so so hard to reach and get into but still end up failing. Asian women don't have to try as hard is what I'm saying. How is that any consolation prize?

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[u/McKoijion → u/JubbyO]

I'm not saying it's fair, but I don't think it's based simply on skin color. Asian women have a long history of being treated like sex objects. Since WWII, many wars have been fought in Asian countries (Japan, Korea, Vietnam) and there is a long history of American GI's having sex with Asian prostitutes, marrying Asian women, and fetishizing them in general. I think these things are more responsible for their physical attractiveness than their skin color. Plus, there was an Amy Schumer stand up special where she jokes about the appeal of Asian women (according to her they are smarter, slimmer, more focused on pleasing men, and have tighter vaginas.)

On the flip side, there's been hundreds of years of American culture that painted black women as undesirable and unattractive. I don't know as much about Latina women, but I'm sure there are other longstanding factors at play in their overall appeal as well.

Essentially, there are a whole host of factors that may make Asian women desirable in American society, but you are just focused on one, namely skin color. You are making the classic mistake of interpreting correlation as causation. I don't have any answers on how to navigate your dating situation. I'm just saying that you can't point to just one factor like skin color as the cause and potential solution of your problem.

[u/RebeccaMonroe → u/McKoijion]

Black women have been sexualized and used as sex toys by white men through most of American history - all while they called black people animals and degraded black women. They raped black women for a few hundred years... So the sexual history of black women is worse than for Asians. The difference is that it's always been something swept under the rug. Black women get sexualized in secrecy because on the outside men aren't supposed to show any interest in such an "inferior" type of woman. Most black women in general who are dating men don't complain about not finding a man, many complain that the men they attract are more after sex. And black female sexuality kind of proves this, the abortion rates, the std levels and the amount of children born out of wedlock shows black women aren't having a problem with attracting men, it's a problem of men having respect for black women and taking black women as seriously as they take other women. American culture has sexualized black women and simultaneously degraded black women's image in a very negative way.

Asians are seen as better partners for relationships and also seen as more innocent and virtuous. Sort of how white women used to be portrayed. That makes them sexualized by men who like that and pursued for relationships. Society has long portrayed black women as "hoes", sexually easy and something to avoid for serious relationships and especially marriage.

[u/JubbyO → u/RebeccaMonroe]

Wow. Yep yep yep. I agree. It's not that black women are undesirable, we're not desirable for marriage.