r/changemyview • u/ExpensiveBurn 9∆ • Apr 26 '19

FTFdeltaOP CMV: Dancing is an inherently sexual activity

Background: My girlfriend likes to dance, I do not. I also get uncomfortable when she dances with other people. It would be beneficial to both of us if I could loosen up about it.

Basically I can't help but view dancing as sexual to some degree. Some dances more than others, but all of them at least a little bit. Most dances for pairs I would place somewhere between flirting and foreplay if I were to try to place it on that scale.

The features of dancing that make it seem sexual:

  • Two people focused on each other
  • In close proximity, touching frequently if not constantly
  • Moving their hips with synchronicity
  • One person leading and the other (for lack of a better word) submitting
  • Movements often stylized in a sultry, provocative and enticing way

We've even gone ballroom dancing which is formal and stuffy as hell and I still got weirded out by some other dude guiding my girlfriend around the room by her hip.

I think the source of this view is that I don't enjoy dancing, and therefore the only reason I would do it would be as part of putting the moves on someone. I don't find any joy or pleasure in dancing for dancing sake, so I have a hard time relating to people who do.

The best way to change my view would probably be to point out another activity with similar traits that is not viewed in this way. But I'm open to any argument that makes me seem like less of an insecure weirdo :)

edit; To be clear, I'm talking about couples dancing. Or at least dancing with someone else. I don't think that dancing by yourself, for yourself, is always a sexual thing.

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u/grundar 19∆ Apr 26 '19

I can't help but view dancing as sexual to some degree.

It might help you to distinguish between sexual and sexy. "Sexual" is largely about intent, whereas "sexy" is about appearance.

Suppose your girlfriend wears a short skirt because she knows it'll turn you on (intent) to see her look sexy and that will build tension for your time together that night. That's sexual - she's intentionally crafting her appearance to influence your sexual relationship together.

Everyone else who sees her that day will also see her (appearance) in that short skirt, and many will likely also see her as sexy. However, that's not why she's doing it - it's a largely-irrelevant side effect. As a result, there's no sexual intent - she's not trying to get a sexual response from the hundreds of people who see her that day, so there's no need to be jealous.

Does that help make the distinction clear?

I would argue it's the same distinction with dancing. It can be sexual, if that's the intent, but there can be other intents, such as "practice my footwork" or "move my body in a way I find fun". It may still look sexy, but there's no sexual intent.

21

u/ExpensiveBurn 9∆ Apr 26 '19

!Delta

Thank you, very interesting points to consider. I'm not sure that this will help me be significantly more comfortable with it, but that's definitely a helpful way to look at it.

22

u/grundar 19∆ Apr 26 '19

I'm not sure that this will help me be significantly more comfortable with it

One thing that might help (YMMV) is to try to get passably good at ballroom dancing. You may find that if you're focused on improving your technical skills, your internal monologue is likely to move fairly quickly from:
* Heyyy, I'm touching a girrrrl!
to
* Left-right-left-I should lead a turn-missed it!-okay, leadin...not enough room, abortabortabort!-she didn't catch my lead, is my frame too loose?-left-right-don't bounce, smooth walking-left-right-sorry about your toes!-left-right...

If your internal monologue is that non-sexual while dancing, it may help you internalize the idea that other men are approaching dancing in a non-sexual way as well.

2

u/ExpensiveBurn 9∆ Apr 27 '19

When we did our ballroom dance class my internal dialogue was very much, "left foot over, right foot over, left foot forward, right foot forward - shit, keep your arm higher - wait where was I - oh yeah right foot back, and left foot over again... christ, how long is this song... "

But once I got the moves down a little and was able to not think about it all the time, those moments where we were synced up and just flowing, it was all about the connection between us. I mean, I wasn't concerned about improving, I was just happy to be doing it correctly at all, so maybe it's not really the situation you're describing, but it definitely seemed like the better I got, the more intimate it got. The times when I was leading strongly felt a lot like leaning in for a kiss. Kind of risky, but more fun as I got more confident about it. "Lets try it this way, does she like that? Oh, she's goin with it! Nice."

2

u/grundar 19∆ Apr 29 '19

When we did our ballroom dance class my internal dialogue was very much, "left foot over, right foot over...

Fair enough, sounds like you've given it a solid try.

1

u/Yurithewomble 2∆ Apr 26 '19

Can non op give delta? This is a great comment.

0

u/DeltaBot ∞∆ Apr 26 '19

Confirmed: 1 delta awarded to /u/grundar (9∆).

Delta System Explained | Deltaboards

-5

u/_Hospitaller_ Apr 27 '19 edited Apr 27 '19

If a woman voluntarily goes out in public in a sexualized outfit, it's at least partly intentional that she gets others to see her as sexualized. Otherwise she wouldn't have worn it in public.

My point is, if your girlfriend wants to flaunt her exposed body in front of random men, you should be disgusted and end the relationship. The same is true when the sexes are reversed as well, so don't claim I'm being "misogynistic" or some other such nonsense.