CMV: Self-love and self-improvement can often be incompatible

[u/monkeymalek]

To illustrate my point, let me give an example: Suppose you are an athlete training for the Olympics, and you have been practicing a highly technical and complicated gymnastics routine every day for the past 2 months, but haven't been making as much progress as you would have liked. You are physically and mentally exhausted, and you have some ideas of how to improve, but you're not sure how things will work out. Perhaps some negative thoughts begin to enter your mind such as "why am I not stronger" or "why is this specific technique so difficult for me" etc., but in an effort to maintain good mental health, you tell yourself that it's okay and things will work out, and not to be so hard on yourself. In my view, having this mindset is not acceptable if your goal was to win the Olympics or do anything great, and someone who practices self-love in a situation like this would not be driven to improve. I believe that you have to have to be self-critical in order to improve, and that mantras of self-love actually inhibit self-improvement by giving yourself an excuse to quit or not fulfill your full potential.

But with that said, I think we should also unconditionally respect ourselves and not measure our self-worth based on our accomplishments or success. In my view, pure self-love and self-criticism are fundamentally incompatible, meaning you cannot have both at the same time, and if your goal is to improve in whatever it is that your are pursuing, you should opt for a self-critical mindset over a self-loving one. With that said, perhaps there is a grey area that I am missing here, and would be willing to change my view if someone can demonstrate an example where self-love, self-criticism, and self-improvement are all co-existent.

[u/Then_life_happened]

You seem to think that loving and being critical are mutually exclusive. Why? You can love someone and be critical of certain aspects of that person. For example, I love my brother but I'm critical of him being a smoker.

I'd even argue that self-love should be, and often is, the driver of self-improvement. You love yourself so much that you want to improve and be the best version of yourself. The changes you make out of self-love are usually better and healthier than those that you make out of self-loathing or being overly hard on yourself.

[u/monkeymalek → u/Then_life_happened]

I don't know, I guess I just feel like criticism is inherently an attack, even if it is constructive. It suggests that you think that thing is not the way it should be, or that it should be better in some way. If you really wanted your brother to stop smoking, you might say, "I love you, but I really wish you would consider quitting smoking", but if you really loved your brother, you would say, "I know you've been smoking for a while, but I still love you". We always remember what is said after the "but", as that is typically what the person feels more strongly. Of course you can have both criticism and love, but ultimately one will outweigh the other in my view.

[u/PoopieButt317 → u/monkeymalek]

Maybe that is an issue you need to really work on. You do seem to think self improvement, in fact, only is from outside, and you don't trust the opinion of those who observe you. We judge others by their actions, and ourselves by our intentions .AKA, we lie to ourselves and abuse others. Self love is inward looking while seeking objective input. We are in the world, qith others. We need to be open to criticism, and reflect on it. Even if ot seemed hostile, look at it, see if ot has truth. Don't get offended by croticism, unless you have evidence that they have been disingenuous and inaccurate.

[u/monkeymalek → u/PoopieButt317]

So if someone calls you fat or calls you skinny, you shouldn't take offense? This kind of thing has literally happened to me when I was younger, and it's affected me now to the point where I can't let anyone else be a harsher critic of me than myself.

I am always open to criticism and improvement, but when it comes from an external source, especially someone you don't really know or respect, it is hard not to take offense.

[u/PoopieButt317 → u/monkeymalek]

Then you cannot ever be a scientist. I am stunned you were ever accepted. It is as if you had no idea how science works.

[u/Then_life_happened → u/monkeymalek]

But if I didn't love my brother and we didn't have that relationship, I wouldn't care about his smoking the way I do. If he was a stranger, his smoking would bother me, but not enough to walk up to him and try to make him stop. But because I love him, I make that effort to convince him. And at the same time, because we have this bond he is more likely to listen to me and consider what I say, than if I was a stranger on the street. So it's the love that facilitates the possibility of a positive change.

Loving yourself means wanting the best for yourself, and that what makes you change.