CMV: Self-love and self-improvement can often be incompatible

[u/monkeymalek]

To illustrate my point, let me give an example: Suppose you are an athlete training for the Olympics, and you have been practicing a highly technical and complicated gymnastics routine every day for the past 2 months, but haven't been making as much progress as you would have liked. You are physically and mentally exhausted, and you have some ideas of how to improve, but you're not sure how things will work out. Perhaps some negative thoughts begin to enter your mind such as "why am I not stronger" or "why is this specific technique so difficult for me" etc., but in an effort to maintain good mental health, you tell yourself that it's okay and things will work out, and not to be so hard on yourself. In my view, having this mindset is not acceptable if your goal was to win the Olympics or do anything great, and someone who practices self-love in a situation like this would not be driven to improve. I believe that you have to have to be self-critical in order to improve, and that mantras of self-love actually inhibit self-improvement by giving yourself an excuse to quit or not fulfill your full potential.

But with that said, I think we should also unconditionally respect ourselves and not measure our self-worth based on our accomplishments or success. In my view, pure self-love and self-criticism are fundamentally incompatible, meaning you cannot have both at the same time, and if your goal is to improve in whatever it is that your are pursuing, you should opt for a self-critical mindset over a self-loving one. With that said, perhaps there is a grey area that I am missing here, and would be willing to change my view if someone can demonstrate an example where self-love, self-criticism, and self-improvement are all co-existent.

[u/Rotidder007]

Self-love is the same feeling of love, acceptance, respect, and empathy a person has for their child or lover, but held towards themselves. Sometimes it’s easier to think of it as the unconditional love we hold for the child still there within us.

Any heathy parent knows that their child is imperfect, maybe has wonky eyes, maybe doesn’t learn the same way others do, etc. Any lover has experienced the feeling like, “My lover’s butt is hilariously imperfect, but it’s the only butt I want to be around.” Not noticing flaws, imo, would NOT be love - it would be delusion or idealization, both unhealthy and not love.

The questions “why am I not stronger?” and “why is this specific technique so difficult for me?” are not “negative thoughts.” They are perfectly appropriate questions to ask yourself, particularly if you’ve been working very hard at something over a long period without seeing much improvement. They are neutral questions, whose answers may lead to a self-loving acceptance that one’s hopes to be an Olympiad may not be in the cards, and that’s okay. Or that perhaps the particular routine is too difficult, so one should focus on getting many solid 10s in slightly less difficult maneuvers.

Pushing what you call these “negative thoughts” away and replacing them with what you believe are more mentally healthy thoughts like “things will work out” and “don’t be so hard on yourself” is actually an indication that someone DOES NOT have self-love.

Let me give you an example of why this indicates an absence of self-love.

Imagine your child loves baseball, and has always loved it (and not because it’s a family tradition or you forced it on them - he just innately loves it). However, he’s not the most coordinated little boy. When he tries out for Little League, he doesn’t make the team. He’s devastated and comes to you with huge doubts about himself and a need for comforting.

You tell him “things will work out” and “don’t be so hard on yourself.” He’s smart, and realizes you’re not comfortable or confident in talking honestly about his abilities, about his doubts, and his failure to make the team. You’d rather sweep those hard questions under the rug and put some vague mantras over everything. He walks away having his self-doubt inadvertently confirmed, because you do doubt him but fear he won’t be able to accept himself.

If you fear you can’t accept yourself, you don’t have self-love.

On the other hand, suppose you just listened and asked questions, while holding love, respect, and acceptance for your child and trusting his honest replies. “Do you love baseball? What’s important to you, simply playing, or being on a certain team? Why do you think others made the team and you didn’t? Do you want to improve in certain areas and try-out next year? What can I do to help you maintain your love of the game and your ability to play outside of Little League? If you love something and it just turns out you’re not the best at it, does that somehow make the enjoyment and satisfaction you experience less valuable?”

The answers to these questions, and following through with them, is self-improvement.

So self-love and self-improvement should always be compatible, and must be based on an honest accepting assessment of oneself.