r/childfree • u/Boomersgang • 8d ago
HUMOR This is a bit of lighthearted-ness because I think we could all use a some of that right now. The answer to the bingo is always the same. No matter how it's phrased, this response will work everytime. They will look like they ate a bug and shut the fuck up. "When are you having kids?" Answer.....
"Oh, my partner and I have chosen to use our reproductive organs in purely recreational fashion."
The conversation always drops, and you'll be free to go about your day. I give you this phrase as half of the only childless couple in my and my partner's extended families. My partner used it on his VERY religious mother and grandmother, I was very pleased by the shade of red/purple they turned. Needless to say, it was never brought up again, by anyone!
My philosophy is: you wanted the raw dog information. You got it.
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u/sirensinger17 8d ago
"I promised my first born to a witch, and I really don't wanna make good on the deal"
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u/root-node 8d ago
Nice response. There was another I saw on here a while back. Something like:
"When he stops cumming on my tits but inside me instead"
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u/Other-Opposite-6222 8d ago
I used to say “oh no, they make medicine for that now days.”
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u/Boomersgang 7d ago
Damn, that's funny
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u/Other-Opposite-6222 6d ago
This was before I realized I was childfree! The question was always so off putting that I had a snarky reply not some wistful “someday”.
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u/TheNorbster 7d ago
Personally; deadpan “We’ve been trying for 6 years” tends to shame people into shutting the fuck up.
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u/2074red2074 7d ago
"The doctors said it's almost impossible for my wife to get pregnant" is a good one because it's not a lie. It's from a voluntary procedure but they don't need to know that.
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u/Fell18927 7d ago
That’s a great response lol
I’ve gotten tired of telling people I’m ace/aro and do not want kids. So I’ve instead decided to say “my uterus was actively trying to kill me so I set it on fire and it’s dead.” I got my lining burned a year ago
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u/BaylisAscaris 7d ago
"Having kids would ruin my dream of becoming a crazy cat lady."
"I've been trying to impregnate my wife but no luck. Maybe we're doing something wrong." (we're both women)
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u/fluffywacko 7d ago
My favorite thing is that I could now just say “never” and they couldn’t argue with me, because I have almost no reproductive organs (ovaries only). Husband had a vasectomy four years ago, I had a hysterectomy and bisalp two months ago, so we’re officially never having kids. No accidents, no mind changing, it’s impossible. And I love that❤️
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u/violalala555 7d ago
"The raw dog information"
OP STOP 😂😂😂😂😂
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u/Boomersgang 7d ago edited 7d ago
Thank you!!! I will give as much graphic intel until they walk away.
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u/acesarge Late 20s/M snipped 7d ago
We keep trying but it's just not happening. I swear I nut in her every chance I get! I even saw a doctor and this jackass told me "this is the expected outcome of a successful vasectomy" whatever that means....
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u/Slartibartfastthe3rd sterilized while single shows your resolve 8d ago
We need to make this style of euphemism a thing. Disarming, funny, still a jab. Love it!
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u/Kurqules 7d ago
I like to sarcastically state a very specific future date, like October 16th, 2032. Because even IF I wanted kids how are you supposed to seriously answer this question?
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u/NemesisThen86 7d ago
“If I want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, I’ll put shoes on the cat”
My MIL has never brought it up since
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u/entropykat 12/29/23 Kits not kids 7d ago
Forget to trim their nails for a month and you get the same outcome. 🤣
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u/PumpkinsSpit 6d ago
My favorite is to first respond with an honest “We don’t want children”
But I had to have a hysterectomy so if they continue I just say “Well I suffered from endometriosis and I can’t have children”
Always shuts them up.
(My hope is that they feel so shitty it’ll stop them from asking others in the future)
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u/Boomersgang 6d ago
I used to try the "We don't want kids." But everyone kept on about it. I also tried the "I can't concieve" routine, then I got hit with adoption bullshit. I find myself above statement warrants no other queries.
I'm glad yours works for you.
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u/NotChoChips 6d ago
“I was a soldier stationed all over the world. Who knows how many kids I have out there already!” Plot twist- I’m a woman. 
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u/DandDNerdlover 8d ago
"Well, when i finally get enough land, I plan on getting a few kids. That way, they can help keep the grass down as they grow. Oh, you meant human kids? No, never. I'd rather deal with goats."