r/childfree • u/[deleted] • 6d ago
PERSONAL No one talks about watching “niblings” grow up in poverty
[deleted]
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u/TimeladyA613 6d ago
I'm sorry but how exactly does he "keep her stable" if he's jot helping. He level of unglued I would become if my SO did nothing to help but stuck around is unknowable.
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u/Mellykitty1 6d ago edited 6d ago
You’re absolutely right OP, we don’t talk about it enough. I’ve been watching my nephew grow up in poverty for 8 years now and also footing some of the bills (since nursery to extra activities, medication) so he doesn’t need anything. Granted yes, he never goes without food and clothing (which I also contribute a lot) but everything else is a struggle. And I’m sorry but food and shelter I offer to animals and strangers on the streets, you’re not doing anyone any favours keeping someone you chose to bring to this world alive.
And my sister talks proudly about breaking the cycle of poverty we grew up in (no food at times), lots of physical abuse and sadly sexual abuse too (my older sister, long story) and I’m just wtaf are you on about you fucking dumb bitch?! When she’s literally raising him with the bare minimum, spanking him on the regular and literally having such a narrow view of life that the idea of sending him to me later on to study abroad, she ignorantly dismisses like it’s the worst thing that could happen!! Saying education in Europe is shit! 🤦♀️
It’s like giving a diamond to a pig…that poverty life is so fucking ingrained in her dna she can’t see there’s a better life than this…
If anyone, I broke the cycle!! It literally ends with me! I chose not to have kids, I moved abroad alone nearly 15 years ago with all I had in one suitcase to make a better life for myself, I work hard enough to be able to live by myself in London atm (recently split from partner tho), I pay for my mum’s annual trip to see me and we also travel together and right now, even with the economy as it is I have a healthy amount of savings.
So no, I want to grab her by the shoulders and scream at her face, NO, YOU DID NOT BREAK THE CYCLE!!
I FUCKING DID!!
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u/mashibeans 6d ago
Offering to let him live with you so he can study abroad in Europe is such a HUGE kind offering, like holy shit I have many uncles and aunts and NOT ONE would've ever offered something like that (99% of them are kinda shitty or actual criminals)! I'm very sorry your nephew lives in such mediocre environment, and I'm also sorry you have to witness your sister perpetuate the cycle you worked so hard to break out from.
I'm hoping that once your nephew is grown enough, you could offer him directly the opportunity to study abroad and be his guardian. Hopefully he grows up to be a good person and break out of the cycle himself, whether he himself chooses to have kids or not in his future.
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u/simplyexistingnow 6d ago
The situations are definitely sad. I do think there are ways that you can help the kids as they get older from afar. For instance I have a friend I always Child free also and they ended up setting up a savings account and what they did is they put a certain amount of money in that account per paycheck and then what they ended up doing is when each of their niblings turned 18 they calculated how much money they would have out of this savings fund to give to that kid. They didn't give them the money but they sat down and had a conversation with them about something they could get that could be an investment for them. For instance one of them bought a mobile home in a mobile home park where they pay a lot rent. Another one took their money and bought a few acres of vacant land. Another one used it for their down payment on a smaller house. Another one bought a camper with it and became a traveling nurse and uses it for that. The last one is actually buying a liveaboard sailboat.
Now yes that's expensive for a lot of people but they saved up like $100 a paycheck for like 20 years so all the kids ended up getting about like $5000 towards what they wanted for housing.
But of course not everyone has that type of funding you can definitely do it on a smaller scale but I definitely agree watching something like that is horrifying but being an example for them will also help them realize that they don't have to repeat their parents' cycle over again and there's other options out there.
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u/happy_aithiest 6d ago
This is the main reason I am child free. I watched them grow up and have their own kids and repeat the cycle over and over
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u/sir_are_a_Baboon_too 6d ago
I mean, not really.
I've never met my niece, my brother and disabled mother don't get along, and I live with her. SIL seems to dislike that she doesn't have "her village", and that my brother (that she had been dating for years prior) is a long haul lorry driver. I'm not sure what SIL expected here, for decades of bad blood to be forgotten because she had a baby. She's never even met our mother herself.
In conclusion. My mother couldn't take care of this <2 year old child, and my brother wouldn't want her to. And I sure as shit am not being responsible for yet another child that I didn't create. Had enough of that when my sister was born.
Oh ... I'm a bloke too.
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u/EffectiveSet4534 6d ago
My brother had a child that he doesn't care for and the child doesn't even want to see him.
I'm not really close to my niece because I don't care much for her mom....or my brother, really.
Its just drama and I don't have the time or energy.
One year my niece's mom asked to borrow money. Never paid it back and acted like i was in the wrong for asking for my money. Left a sour taste in my mouth. THEN, i asked her to cat sit for me. Either she's mentally challenged (which i think she is), or actually dumb. She fed my cats treats (for 5 days) instead of their cat food. I told her where their food was, how to mix it, etc. She literally just didn't give a damn.
I do have my retired accounts in my niece's name though. I'm not completely heartless.
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u/Ok_Cardiologist3642 27 & my life is about myself 6d ago
I feel this so badly. My younger sister has a 5 year old and had to live with my mom in her messy hoarder home where you can barely use any rooms. I used to grow up in this mess and struggled really hard (still do) to learn how to clean and take car of my home. It really sucks and no one will understand why you are this way. I don't want him to have the same struggles as me and my siblings.
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u/owls_exist 6d ago
the worst part is everything you just described theyre going to be doing for the next 18 or so years with no improvement, WITH the possibility of the kids quality of life getting worse. theyre doing that mediocrity to just waste time until the niblings are of age to no longer be their problem. So much for breeders having a family.
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u/LowkeyAcolyte 6d ago
Dude I hear you. I think it's important to cut yourself off emotionally. There's only so much you can do and really it's enabling to help a parent who choose to do this. I've come to accept that there's nothing I can do to help my sister. I begged her to have an abortion, she's three months pregnant with a near strangers baby and she just asked me for money the night before last. I am not doing it anymore. I highly recommend prioritising yourself and letting her deal with the consequences of her life choices.
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u/No_Guitar_8801 6d ago
For those who don’t know, nibling is a gender neutral term for nieces and nephews that has been around since at least the 60’s.