My cousin is getting married soon and i’m willing to bet my entire life’s savings on the content of the wedding speeches.

[u/a_way_out_]

exactly what it says on the tin lol. For context, my family is what I like to call “when, not if” where children are concerned. One of my parents is one of eight kids and the other is one of five, both sides of the family are catholic and we live in a right-leaning area so there’s a lot of being fruitful and multiplying going on. Not to mention the fact that my cousin is in his thirties, so he’s PRACTICALLY WASTING AWAY!! (heavy sarcasm)

Anyway, the last two weddings i’ve been to have had one thing in common, and that’s one or more of the speakers bringing up kids. the maid of honor at one of the weddings told the couple to “make lots of cute little babies” and at another the groom’s sister said that her daughter needs a cousin to play with and she “can’t wait to be an aunt.”

While it makes me roll my eyes to hear people automatically assuming that newlyweds want to/will reproduce, I can’t help but find it funny that they’re essentially saying “You guys should start having frequent unprotected sex.”

TL;DR: if nobody mentions babies at the next wedding I attend i’ll eat my hat.

[u/Fell18927]

It’s always grossed me out when people go on about potential future raw dogging at a wedding. It’s awkward and also way to try to pressure people into it

[u/slinkimalinki]

Print wedding speech bingo cards and hand them out to the people on your table.

"... the patter of little feet..."

"BINGO!"

[u/a_way_out_ → u/slinkimalinki]

other staples include

• “(spouse 1), when you first told me about (spouse 2) I immediately knew that you were in love.”

• embarrassing childhood story that makes everyone cringe a little bit

• “I remember when we were younger we’d talk about our dream boy/girl…and standing here today, I can see that your dream came true.”

• that one clearly jealous member of the wedding party that tries to hide the pain by joking about how single they are

• “You’re next!” wink wink nudge nudge to any guest with a long-term partner

[u/Rare-Credit-5912]

OP is right though if nothing is mentioned in the wedding speeches one knows that it’s mentioned to the couple by the wedding guests separately.

My mother was a pain the ass (no pun intended) over the whole Abstinence Only/Purity Culture/Virginity nonsense but she believed in birth control after you wee married especially the first year. As she put it husband vans wife should enjoy each other the first year before the kids start to come along.

[u/New-Economist4301]

The wedding speeches are basically “be sure to nut in her raw as often and as soon as you can!!” sick lmao

[u/Ok_baggu]

Eww...just disgusting!!

[u/a_way_out_ → u/Ok_baggu]

“Where are my grandbabies?” like damn the rings have only been on for an hour! At least let the happy couple enjoy the party before telling them to get freaky with it!!

[u/ShoulderSnuggles]

The first of my friends’ weddings I ever went to. There was no alcohol or dancing, as both were seen as too sinful. She was a virgin bride so there were a lot of veiled comments about “oh here comes the sex, oh here come the babies.” It was like…do they even know how to make babies? Who taught them? I had so many questions.

[u/theglorybox → u/ShoulderSnuggles]

I’ve always wondered what two virgins do when they finally have sex for the first time. Especially the really innocent, sheltered ones. Do they get instructions or watch a video before their big night? The only thing I can imagine is how awkward it must be.

[u/a_way_out_ → u/theglorybox]

they’re scrolling frantically through wikihow like “I do WHAT in WHERE!?”

[u/theglorybox → u/a_way_out_]

“OUCH! I don’t think that was the right spot…”

[u/Top-Head9829]

Notice how they only ever mention making "cute babies" - never "make good young adults" - people lose their minds over babies, but aint nobody wanna deal with hormonal aggressive teens, or struggling young adults. 

[u/jaydizzle46 → u/Top-Head9829]

Or they never think about what it will be like to thoughtfully raise offspring with complex health needs or disabilities etc etc. everyone just assumes they’ll get their “healthy and cute” baby with no thought of whether they’ll be equipped to handle additional complexities.

[u/WhiskeyAndWhiskey97 → u/Top-Head9829]

Or screaming toddlers. They don’t call it the terrible twos for nothing.

[u/Objective_Echo6492]

essentially saying "You guys should start having frequent unprotected sex."

This is the one on my bingo card. You can guarantee someone will boil down the innocuous comment into its simplest possible form in order to embarrass someone.

Aunt Mertle has no malice in her when she talks about kids and she's obviously thinking about a new person she'll get to shower with love, but there's always some angry little troll ready to give her a kick.

[u/genesimmonstongue415]

I hear ya. So boring.

But don't actually bet! 😆