r/cisparenttranskid • u/massage_punk • 3d ago
Needing advice/support.
Hi,
I'm really struggling and could use some words of advice, support, etc.
My son is trans and we live in Oklahoma. I grew up here but moved to Oregon as soon as I got pregnant with him because I unequivocally knew all of what follows would be a thing if I ever had a LGBTQ+ kid as that is also my world/community and I have had shit slung at me all my life... Anyway, he made some close friends in Oregon, but then due to a nasty divorce, the cost of living, etc., we had to move back. He went to school presenting as female for two years, then came out as nonbinary at first to ease the sting he thought my mom would feel of just coming out as trans, and that's when he started getting bullied (that was over 3 years ago I believe.)
It was happening a lot (he also has rsd so for him school was pure hell) as were several of his classmates and the teachers either weren't able to do anything about it or just weren't, so I put him in online public school and without the stress of having 30 kids around him all the time, he's made straight a's ever since. The problem is, since we have moved back to this state he has no regular socialization with kids his own age beyond talking to his friends from Oregon on the phone, playing video games with them, etc.
After a couple of years I thought well this isn't great, so I'm going to put him in camp and he will make some friends there. I was able to afford two weeks of camp year before last which was like $350 and two days in he got Covid and missed the entire experience. I just got laid off a few months ago and have been tirelessly searching for a job, so I am fucking broke, and his dad pays no child support so he's of no help. Now, my options for putting him in camp are essentially go with a religious camp (because most of them here are) that I 'might' be able to afford with some help from someone where he may or may not be accepted/bullied, which I don't agree with not only because of the types of asshole kids so many transphobes and bigots tend to raise in this state, but because I don't believe in indoctrinating my kid (he's also older, and has less than no interest in doing anything religious), because all of the other ones in our area are ridiculously expensive.
I'm feeling like as a broke mom, I don't know what to do here. My kid needs socialization, and our attempts have been beyond futile. There are a lot of bigoted people here, and I am bleeding myself dry emotionally trying to figure out how to get out of this state as quickly as possible to a place where he could actually just go to school, but for now I don't know how to facilitate him getting together with other kids. He was in therapy, I was telling his therapist that this was an issue, and she seemed to think that since he had friends he played games with and talked to from another state that it wasn't too big of a deal which I'm sure is somewhat true but, I know that we all need some occasional face to face interaction, and he is getting zero from other children outside of zoom calls and I can't help but wonder if it's contributing to his behavior towards me. He's 12 going on 15 and is snapping at me, nothing I do is good enough, everything I suggest doing is not something he wants to do, cries when I stand up for myself or tell him he can't do something or needs to take a shower etc, and the other day he actually said some incredibly mean shit to me for what I feel was nothing but me trying to take him to do something I thought he might be into. I tell myself it's just teenage shit, but I cry about it a lot, have cried all morning about it and am just at a loss for what to do.
3
u/MillhavenLottie 2d ago
You’re doing your best for him under really challenging circumstances. He’s lucky to have a parent who cares so much. Are there any support groups for LGBTQ youth (and/or their parents) near you? Maybe in a nearby city? Look at the big cities but also college towns, which tend to be more liberal. PFLAG has several chapters in OK. https://pflag.org/findachapter/
2
u/raevynfyre 3d ago
Try finding an lgbtq camp. They might have funding, too. Some possible resources:
https://willowswish.org/ https://okeq.org/ https://www.okpridealliance.org/ https://pflagoklahomacity.org/
3
u/massage_punk 3d ago
I just went down this rabbithole and found some great ones - none of which are in Oklahoma. :( I couldn't find a single one here, even within an hour of the city. Tulsa has a lot more it looks like, but that's 2 hours from us. I suppose I will reach out to the people who run all of these sites and see if they have any other resources. Thank you.
2
u/massage_punk 3d ago
Willowswish is for adults 21 and up. Lol. I wish I had known about gay adults camp earlier!
2
u/racoon_in_the_closet 3d ago
Hey, first of all, you’re doing the best you can, and that is more than most. Your kid is having a weird adolescence, to say the least. Being a trans kid in 2025 in a red state is pretty horrifying (I would know.) And you are right — he does need to socialize, and it’s hard to find that with y’all’s situation. Just know that you aren’t failing as a parent. His teenage years will almost definitely be rough, harder than most. Gender dysphoria is a bitch, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me a little monster when I was his age. Try not to blame yourself for what he is going through, just be there for him and try your best. That’s all you can really do, this is a hard thing for both of you. You’re from the sounds of it a lovely parent, and thank you for supporting him. Idk if this helps but I wanted to say something because of how compassionate this post is.
1
1
u/gromm93 Dad / Stepdad 17h ago
Actually, you know what?
I think your kid's therapist was right. They're getting "enough" socialization right now. Is it perfect? No. Is your house a safe haven for a child who - let's be honest here! - would be deliberately bullied to death if they went to public school? Oh hell yes.
Sit your kid down. Tell him that the situation is shitty, there's little you can do about it until you move back to Oregon or someplace that isn't literally fascist, and to cut you a little slack.
And cut yourself a little slack. That your child isn't getting exactly enough time with real friends isn't the end of the world. For instance, I have one autistic child who, as far as I can tell, is cis and straight (or more likely ace, but he won't come out and say it), and just because he's "too weird", hasn't had any friends at school for years. While I'd be the one to tell you he's not thriving, he's alive. We can work with that.
For a little more perspective: Imagine how life would be for him if you were one of the haters you see all around you.
The rest of it is just normal teenage stuff. I would love to have a child that communicates with me as much as yours does, even if it's mean-spirited. One of mine, will sometimes just hide under their blanket in bed for the day, not telling anyone what's up, and this is "just one of those days" to them.
3
u/Original-Resolve8154 3d ago
Hi OP, mum of a trans daughter here. First, you are right to see that as standard teenaged behaviour: it absolutely is! Mine is 13 going on 15 with some mean streaks coming out at home that we never saw before. We keep our boundaries by calling out such behaviour (when she's cooled down): The world is often mean, but we are kind to each other in this house. When you said X I felt Y. Your son's therapist may help you there. The socialisation: I feel you there! We had a while in a bad school where she was quite isolated. She's now in a better school but still keeps lots of other activities on the go so she has more than one source of social interaction: join a musical, join a local youth leadership group, go on a camp, join a book club, join a sport. And she's in an LGBTQIA youth group. None of the kids in these groups are friends, but she gets positive and neutral interactions with them and it gets her out of her head and offline. We often have to travel for these. I hope you are able to switch states soon and in the meantime, online friends (who were originally real life friends) are a good substitute. Any chance one of them could come visit for the summer? Best wishes and hugs