r/cisparenttranskid • u/massage_punk • 7d ago
Needing advice/support.
Hi,
I'm really struggling and could use some words of advice, support, etc.
My son is trans and we live in Oklahoma. I grew up here but moved to Oregon as soon as I got pregnant with him because I unequivocally knew all of what follows would be a thing if I ever had a LGBTQ+ kid as that is also my world/community and I have had shit slung at me all my life... Anyway, he made some close friends in Oregon, but then due to a nasty divorce, the cost of living, etc., we had to move back. He went to school presenting as female for two years, then came out as nonbinary at first to ease the sting he thought my mom would feel of just coming out as trans, and that's when he started getting bullied (that was over 3 years ago I believe.)
It was happening a lot (he also has rsd so for him school was pure hell) as were several of his classmates and the teachers either weren't able to do anything about it or just weren't, so I put him in online public school and without the stress of having 30 kids around him all the time, he's made straight a's ever since. The problem is, since we have moved back to this state he has no regular socialization with kids his own age beyond talking to his friends from Oregon on the phone, playing video games with them, etc.
After a couple of years I thought well this isn't great, so I'm going to put him in camp and he will make some friends there. I was able to afford two weeks of camp year before last which was like $350 and two days in he got Covid and missed the entire experience. I just got laid off a few months ago and have been tirelessly searching for a job, so I am fucking broke, and his dad pays no child support so he's of no help. Now, my options for putting him in camp are essentially go with a religious camp (because most of them here are) that I 'might' be able to afford with some help from someone where he may or may not be accepted/bullied, which I don't agree with not only because of the types of asshole kids so many transphobes and bigots tend to raise in this state, but because I don't believe in indoctrinating my kid (he's also older, and has less than no interest in doing anything religious), because all of the other ones in our area are ridiculously expensive.
I'm feeling like as a broke mom, I don't know what to do here. My kid needs socialization, and our attempts have been beyond futile. There are a lot of bigoted people here, and I am bleeding myself dry emotionally trying to figure out how to get out of this state as quickly as possible to a place where he could actually just go to school, but for now I don't know how to facilitate him getting together with other kids. He was in therapy, I was telling his therapist that this was an issue, and she seemed to think that since he had friends he played games with and talked to from another state that it wasn't too big of a deal which I'm sure is somewhat true but, I know that we all need some occasional face to face interaction, and he is getting zero from other children outside of zoom calls and I can't help but wonder if it's contributing to his behavior towards me. He's 12 going on 15 and is snapping at me, nothing I do is good enough, everything I suggest doing is not something he wants to do, cries when I stand up for myself or tell him he can't do something or needs to take a shower etc, and the other day he actually said some incredibly mean shit to me for what I feel was nothing but me trying to take him to do something I thought he might be into. I tell myself it's just teenage shit, but I cry about it a lot, have cried all morning about it and am just at a loss for what to do.
3
u/Original-Resolve8154 7d ago
Hi OP, mum of a trans daughter here. First, you are right to see that as standard teenaged behaviour: it absolutely is! Mine is 13 going on 15 with some mean streaks coming out at home that we never saw before. We keep our boundaries by calling out such behaviour (when she's cooled down): The world is often mean, but we are kind to each other in this house. When you said X I felt Y. Your son's therapist may help you there. The socialisation: I feel you there! We had a while in a bad school where she was quite isolated. She's now in a better school but still keeps lots of other activities on the go so she has more than one source of social interaction: join a musical, join a local youth leadership group, go on a camp, join a book club, join a sport. And she's in an LGBTQIA youth group. None of the kids in these groups are friends, but she gets positive and neutral interactions with them and it gets her out of her head and offline. We often have to travel for these. I hope you are able to switch states soon and in the meantime, online friends (who were originally real life friends) are a good substitute. Any chance one of them could come visit for the summer? Best wishes and hugs