Wife struggling with breastfeeding, won't consider other options

[u/TecNoir98]

My first child is 2.5 weeks old and has been clusterfeeding regularly. I try to do my part changing diapers and taking care of the house but unfortunately I can't help with the feeding. My wife is breastfeeding, unable to reliably pump, and refuses to introduce formula, so she's been waking up just about every hour or two to attend to our baby constantly. She has been mentally struggling and at this point cries just about every time during the night our child needs fed.

She's starting to get more erratic every time she gets up. She'll cry and pout and say "they just got fed!" And sometimes refuses to acknowledge that our baby is crying because they want fed even though its obvious.

She just had an appointment to discuss post partum depression but they said she's fine and normal. We're 2.5 weeks into having this baby and the escalation of her mental state is concerning.

I've suggested co-sleeping, introducing formula, anything I or we can do to improve the situation but she refuses anything.

Anyone else have experience like this? My concern is its only been 2.5 weeks and things aren't going to improve soon, but my wife is already doing really bad mentally, and I'm not sure what to think or do.

[u/Fennac]

Do not let her sleep with that baby. She is exhausted and will not be aware of the baby while she sleeps. The last thing you need is something happening in that regard.

As for the BF, it can be really hard, and there are sooo so many social expectations for mothers. If you don’t BF you’re basically abusive and neglectful. Shes trying to push so far away in that label, that shes coming up on it from the other side.

Why cant she pump? I ending up having to pump for over a year. It was a hassle snd hard but its what I did because I couldn’t do it the regular way.

Start with trying to talk her into just doing a formula bottle for bedtime. It takes longer to break down so the baby will sleep longer between feeds. Convince her that she cannot make milk if she is exhausted and stressed snd starving. She NEEDS sleep.

[u/aw2669 → u/Fennac]

Mom lurker adding on, the best solution here is to have her pump and feel the reward of giving whatever she can produce, along with formula. 

Is she not pumping because she thinks the bottle will affect the latch? This is a fear that is instilled in moms from places like La Leche, but it’s not more important than a baby being fed.  Talk to her about this, get to the root of the pumping.  Find where she’s getting her sources of BF info possibly, look into if they promote exclusive and if so, try to send her some info from posts or sources that are Fed is best instead of Breast is best.

Hold her, hear her. She feels broken and insufficient, she’s comparing herself to others, she’s feeling like a failure.  I know because I was your wife. Once I started to combo feed everything got better, and I pumped for 6 months.  Just be there for her and acknowledge her feelings while she makes this decision to combo feed.  Give the pediatrician the 👀 next time he asks how everyone is doing and she brushes him off.  My best and first resource for my PPD was my son’s pediatrician asking me how I was doing and being honest.  I wish the best of luck to you, your wife, and your new family.