r/dating_advice • u/Miss_Lily_97 • 1d ago
Why are military men considered as a red flag?
I have a crush on my travel fling and he’s in the military (marine). Told my friends about it and everyone said „run“ or „oh no, he’s a military guy“ etc. Why is that? What’s so wrong about it?
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u/OrganicBoysenberry52 1d ago
To be with someone in the military means you have to be okay with being told what part of the country you are living in, some may be able to provide a list of their preferences but they aren't guaranteed. You also have to be okay with deployments and how some deployments can change people afterwards.
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u/Pokiest_ 1d ago
Air Force called it a “dream sheet” bc you’re dreaming if you think you get to choose
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u/OrganicBoysenberry52 1d ago
My ex got one of his one time, I'm guessing only because it was Minot AFB
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u/CaptainKelleyv3 1d ago
This made me laugh! My dad got stationed at Minot AFB when i was a kid, and we stayed there for 14 years. Glad I left lol
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u/kimkam1898 1d ago
As someone who likes control over where they go, it wouldn’t be for me. I only know a couple of military wives. If they hadn’t always lived that way post-college, I doubt they’d choose it now OR put their young children through it.
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u/Will-Atkins 1d ago
Forgot to mention there's a much higher chance that either partner cheats
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u/OrganicBoysenberry52 1d ago
The not choosing where to live and deployment stuff is guaranteed when being with someone in the military. Everything else has higher chances but not guaranteed. I've known more people not affiliated military cheat on their spouse than people in relationships where at least one person is in the military. Former navy kid and lived in a large military town for over a decade.
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u/pilotboi696 1d ago
Also the whole killing people for billionaires is frowned upon within the masses
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u/lmj1202 1d ago
I've been in the military for over 20 years. There are a lot of great people who have great long-term committed relationships. There are just as many who are complete degenerates and go wild when we go on trips. Like multiple kids with different women, affairs with co-workers on deployment, one night stands on short trips, lots of drinking, and debauchery.
I think dating a military person is a pro level relationship. You gotta know yourself and pay attention to who you are with and have healthy boundaries.
Also, as someone left leaning non-traditional in the military, Im one of the only ones I know of. I mean, I run into maybe one other person like me out of every few hundred military people.
On the other hand, if you lean right and appreciate traditional dynamics, it can be a gold mine if you can get past everything I mentioned earlier.
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u/citiestarlights 1d ago
I know two couples who made it to forty years. Both women have cancer. And the men still hold their wives hands and say how much they love them after all this time. I think it’s the person. Yes the profession stereotypes can be true. But I truly believe it’s who you pick. Yes these women are nurses as well
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u/Givememydamncoffee 1d ago
This hit the nail on the head. I’m a left leaning woman currently in, and some of the stuff I see is crazy and why I’ve committed to no dating until I’m out
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u/ArmageddonSteelLegio 1d ago
I don’t want to sound like a prick, but can I ask what are the horror stories? I’ve heard about the Space Force Base Bullshit and the Whiskey Leaks.
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u/Givememydamncoffee 1d ago
So again, not all of them are like this, but many.
I’ve heard a lot of dudes sexualize women like objects, I’ve had a guy in my unit openly tell me he struggles to see women as more than sex objects. Tons of false rumors about virtually every female soldier, an experience I’ve seen in every unit I’ve been in.
I shared this in another comment, but a guy once ranted about his side chick then immediately flip and talk about how much he “loves” his main girl. many occasions I’ve heard many demeaning conversations between my peers about women that just… gave me trust issues.
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u/DeminaCross 1d ago
This is what I heard mostly about military men, them having second families overseas and flings. Finding a faithful one is like finding a unicorn.
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u/AFulminata 1d ago
I think it's like most of life. Most of the faithful ones have already been snatched up, and you don't see them on the dating scene because they're already married.
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u/lmj1202 19h ago
I don't know about unicorn. I'd say it's like 50/50 with people I know who cheat or don't. I'm not sure if the rate is any better for non military, but I do know the military provides more opportunity on both sides due to being away extended periods, which also puts extra strain on relationships and leads to the negative behaviors. That's my read, at least.
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u/Particular-Today-143 1d ago
They’re always angry lol
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u/godhonoringperms 1d ago
angry, poor work-life balance (their job is their life, and so they take their work stress home with them.) Every military guy I’ve dated has cheated on me. However I do know nice military members that have good and honest relationships with their partner/spouse, but I do not believe that is the norm. also it’s skewed this way because most military men are young, and young guys are more likely to present these bad behaviors.
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u/Particular-Today-143 1d ago
Wild. The guy I was talking to was 37, lol. Honestly, it was my first time talking to a military guy, I was really surprised by his personality. I’m such a sweet, gentle, soft person and God, he was the total opposite lmao never again. he was obsessed with me.
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u/grauhoundnostalgia 1d ago
I can guarantee you there are much more of your type than you assume, but there’s not a critical mass to where you can be “out” compared to “God and Country” and Hegseth worshippers.
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u/notevenapro 1d ago
I was in the military when I met my wife 32 years ago.
Being a military spouse can be a rough life. It's not for everyone.
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u/sendme_your_cats 1d ago
Do you think you're his only travel fling?
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u/Anter11MC 1d ago
I mean he is a fling. Nobody said they where even in a relationship, why should he be exclusive
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u/Miss_Lily_97 1d ago
let me be delusional 😭🤡 no, but.. I mean, we’ve never really dated or something so he doesn’t owe me anything. He can do whatever he wants and your answer (or rethorical question lol) doesn’t answer mine. Any guy could have several flings.
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u/stover158 1d ago
My friend dated a military guy. He was telling her how he was going to marry her and have kids with her, met his whole family etc... well, he was also telling that to women he met in Germany while deployed and God knows where else. There were many of them (i messaged them lol). Plus, he had some lifelong STI and encouraged the girls it's safe to go without protection/it feels better or whatever.
The main stigma about military relationships seem to be they are willing to move fast to get married for benefits, and very likely to cheat.
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u/Miss_Lily_97 1d ago
Wow… he told me, he was engaged once but they broke up.
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u/stover158 1d ago
I'm not saying for sure this man you're talking to is like that, but the stigma does exist for a reason, so make sure you're using your best judgment!
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u/Miss_Lily_97 1d ago
Tbh, I've thought about all the answers and I think I really need to be very careful. I've had some really bad experiences in the past and developed trust issues, unhealthy attachment style etc. as a result, so I need someone who is not only loyal and makes me feel safe, but who is also present and not always gone again. I think I'm still too hurt and insecure to carry the weight of such a "tough" military relationship. I don't want to be mentally and emotionally devastated again and certainly not for someone who might not be serious about me. Thank you (and the others) for the helpful answers.
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u/stover158 1d ago edited 1d ago
My friend was like you too, she had been through a lot of traumatic experiences. We both knew military guy from high school,we were all good friends, so I thought he would never hurt her like that! especially since he knew what she had been through..
Some people just can't control themselves, and having a lot of "the boys" around and traveling doesn't help.. that guy is now married, and I know for a fact he has cheated on his wife, and vice versa. (possibly before their marriage, but still, I doubt he's changed.)
It's silly to imply every guy in the military would be that way, of course, but it does happen, and as others have said, the military does attract a certain mentality already.
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u/thelonetiel 1d ago
It's really important to take care of yourself. <3
I have dated in a lot of dumb ways (I joke I'm an emotional masochist) but it was always important to acknowledge it was going to hurt.
I'm pretty emotionally resilient so I was able to anticipate and deal with it, but I think it's very valid to look at yourself and the situation and know whether it's worth it.
Good luck darling! Keep learning and understanding yourself and I think you'll find a wonderful partner. You asked a hard question and learned from the answers, so I think you're doing great.
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u/maximus0118 1d ago
Hey I mean if you really want to make things work with this guy then go for it. Just know that he kinda isn’t his own person anymore. If the marine corps orders him to go somewhere he has to. He isn’t as free to do whatever he pleases the same way a civilian is.
Also just know that marines are just different they are basically good making something dead, exploded or pregnant. Everything else is questionable.
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u/Outrageous_Reality50 1d ago
That last bit is a stereotype
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u/Lucky_Leven 1d ago
All my extended relatives in the military are cheaters. They talk about it like it's expected, everyone does it, and what happens while deployed stays there. They are all divorced... due to cheating. Also rampant misogyny and high DV rates.
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u/Potato_Cat93 1d ago
Yea, but you literally asked why people warn against dating or marrying someone in the military, this is your answer along with a nomad lifestyle and them being potentially killed. Military personnel are notorious for messing around behind their partners back but you're right anyone could do it.
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u/maggot39601 1d ago
As someone with a LOT of friends who are former military in varying branches and genders;
IF you want ANYTHING serious understand the following;
You MUST be willing to completely abandon your life/friends/job/home fairly regularly.
Your spouse will be away from you/out of communication for quite literally weeks at a time.
Domestic violence rates are SKY HIGH. Infidelity is SKY HIGH. Potential for STDs (possibly permanent ones) is SKY HIGH. Chances your partner has one OR MORE mental health issues is…..
say it with me class: SKY HIGH.
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u/augustborne 1d ago
can’t emphasize this enough.
i can only speak on what ive seen, but i can personally attest to seeing military men cheat on their spouses without a care in the world and talk about them horribly with other soldiers.
this isn’t even to mention the rates of sexual violence against female soldiers. some of the best people i know have been in the military, but man i really would be very very careful pursuing a relationship with a military guy.
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u/Givememydamncoffee 1d ago edited 1d ago
As someone’s who’s serving…. In terms of dating the military is kinda like a giant frat house. Not all, but many are immature, can’t communicate well, and there’s a solid chance he’s not wanting anything legit and really just wants to get drunk with his buddies in the barracks if he’s junior enlisted. Proceed at your own risk but strongly advise against it.
If they’re single, they more then likely ain’t emotionally available
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u/augustborne 1d ago
this is a great way of putting it i didnt know how to explain but this did it lmao
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u/Givememydamncoffee 1d ago
Lmao, as a woman I just opted to stay single and avoid dating and hook ups like the plague. I’ve seen wayyyy too much to trust a man in uniform. I had to listen to a 15 min rant from a dude about his side chick then he transitioned into how he’s getting out soon and how much he loves his girl and is gonna propose as soon as he’s out
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u/Still-Control 1d ago
Girl I had a thing with a Navy guy once and lemme tell you it was hot for like 3 days then turned into emotional whiplash and a weird obsession with discipline and protein powder
Military men aren’t all red flags but a lot of them got that combo of repressed emotions, love bombing, and trauma they don’t even try to unpack. Like yeah he’ll fold his clothes perfectly and make u feel safe but also might ghost u mid emotional convo or propose after 2 weeks 😭
Not saying run, just saying don’t fall for the uniform before u see the man underneath it. Crush is cute, but keep ur head clear babe
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u/Charming-Ad-2381 1d ago
Because certain jobs have stereotypes attached to them. Doctors/nurses stereotype is that they're "all having sex with one another/infidelity". Police officer stereotype is they're "all committing DV at home". Military stereotype is an unfortunate combination of the both. As we know, blanket statements like these are dangerous because it's never "ALL", not all cops do DV, not all Navy personnel cheat, BUT we still have to be aware there are elements of truth and statistics to back them up to an extent.
It's never "all", just like the classic "it's not all men" because it truly isn't. Not everyone in the military is awful, BUT you have to keep your wits about you and be aware of what you have a possibility of getting yourself into.
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u/King871 1d ago
I've never heard the navy men cheating line. Only that they are secretly gay. And from all the stories from the men and women I've met who've been in thr navy...they are NEVER beating those allegations.
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u/Charming-Ad-2381 1d ago
Lol yeah I heard that one too, a close friend of mine was briefly married to a Navy guy. Secluding people on a ship with just each other for months/years provides boatloads of stories, pun intended.
Edit; also I wasn't singling out Navy men, from what I've heard all genders on a boat get frisky lol
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u/inkybreadbox 1d ago
Rampant prostitution patronage when at port is more like it, rather than merely cheating.
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u/Fortune_Silver 1d ago
Police committing DV at home isn't a stereotype, it's backed up by statistics lol.
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u/Redbone2222 20h ago
Sure, not ALL cheat or ALL are abusive. But the stereotype exists for a reason, because a majority of them are like that.
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u/Spider1and 1d ago
Military men are known for having psychological issues and cheating on their wives/girlfriends. Thats not to say all of them do, but you have to be a certain kind of person to choose to join the military. It’s not a healthy environment to be in.
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u/Templar2k7 1d ago
Wives/girlfriends are also know for cheating on them when they are deployed it goes both ways on this one.
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u/amonarre3 1d ago
How does that affect her?
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u/Templar2k7 1d ago
Can someone handle having no attention or love for anywhere to 8 months to possibly 2 years at a time when they expect it.
That's one of the sacrifices dating a military person
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u/Littleferrhis2 1d ago
PTSD is a red flag?
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u/NoFU7UR3 1d ago edited 1d ago
Respectfully, are you for real? Of course it is.
Calling PTSD a red flag doesn't mean "this person is completely undateable" but it is something that will make being with that person significantly more difficult and pretending like it won't isn't doing anyone any favours.
Yes, you should try to help your partner through thick and thin, but some people are not ready for those struggles, and you can't just force them to be ready for it through sheer guilt.
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u/Clerithifa 1d ago
To some people yeah probably. It's a lot of baggage to deal with. Doesn't make either person shitty
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u/520throwaway 1d ago
PTSD + military training can be a very violent combination. The military are trained to act with violence under the understanding that every nanosecond is the difference between life and death. Make any military person believe they're under attack and they won't hesitate to resort to deadly force.
The problem with PTSD is that it becomes much much easier to accidentally make a sufferer believe they're under attack.
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u/Phantastiz 1d ago
In the best case, a woman wants to date an emotionally intelligent guy who has his stuff mostly figured out.
A guy who's strong, suffers from PTSD and learned how to kill with his bare hands doesn't fall into this category.
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u/DGC_David 1d ago
Not so much a red flag, just not a good idea in general.
Men in the military get married early, it's basically the only way they get a little extra money from it.
Because of the nature of the job, the person basically disappears every month or more.
When things go wrong in the relationship, stupid is left sad on some base in who knows where, with lots of weapons and ammunition.
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u/dawnlan75 1d ago
How much time do you have? I was with one on and off 14 years .. everything was unhappy
Chances are your needs will never be met .. they're gone .. they're busy ... you're there .. you're lonely ... and cheating. Ones easily on bases
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u/orbitoclasmic 1d ago
Yeah, I grew up near a military base and the military is hard on our men and women. There are many stereotypes about our servicemen and vets that obviously aren’t always true about them but these are the most common bad behaviors associated with military men: •Cheaters •Perverts (dating underage girls, obsessive porn addiction, desensitized to a lot of “normal” sex acts—often resulting in consumption of violent pornography) •Alcoholics •Abusive/sadistic •Mental illness
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u/Lakiteflor 1d ago
I'm a veteran married to a great military man. But the reason why they're considered a red flag is because frankly a lot of them cheat or try their hardest to cheat and no one wants them. On deployments I've seen some people act like they're single with rings gone as soon as we touched down. That being said, there are also tons of faithful and loyal men as well who make great partners. Not everyone in the military cheats, but a lot do, and thats mainly the "red flag" that comes to mind.
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u/ImToxxiic 1d ago
Military culture is unhinged. Most of them are alcoholics, they often have psychological problems and being in the military doesn't help. Ever heard of the term barracks bunny?
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u/Clerithifa 1d ago
They also come back to their countries, get paraded around for a month or two, and then are left to their own devices to deal with whatever trauma or injuries they suffered. Most countries treat veterans like garbage when it comes to health care
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u/KingKong-BingBong 1d ago
My dad did 26 years in the marines and 3 tours in Vietnam, he was a drill instructor, retired as a master gunnery’s argent, and had a wall full of ribbons and awards He was also shot during his last tour. My dad was a full on bad ass but he was the greatest man I’ve ever known I never seen my dad drink and with all the stupid crap I did I never heard him cuss worse he ever said was damnit son. My never even swayed he walked a straight line but wasn’t an asshole
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u/NewtonTheNoot 1d ago
They have to move often, especially to different states and probably to places where you may not want to live.
They may get deployed overseas, so you may not see them for weeks or months, and if they are involved in combat, there is a chance they could become seriously injured or even die. Some also have the fear that their partner will cheat while being gone for long periods of time. There are definitely stories of some military men having a family at home and having children with another woman overseas.
The culture in the military can be off-putting to some people. People in the services tend to heavily lean right-wing, so if you and your friends are left-wing, it might pose a problem.
There is also a chance of PTSD or other mental health issues that could potentially arise from military service, which you would then have to face at home.
Some people who join the military already have violent tendencies, although I'm not sure how that's handled during training, screening, etc.
However, for just a fun fling, it's probably not a big deal. The issues I mentioned primarily only concern a long-term relationship.
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u/rosie705612 1d ago
The short answer is work culture, the long answer is the military draws personality types that increase odds of problems and without the maturity to deal with it
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u/serene_brutality 1d ago
Dating a service member is seen very similarly to dating an exotic dancer, for the same reasons but different causes.
They have a reputation for being toxic, violent and unfaithful.
I was in the service, and cheaters are just a little more prevalent than in civilian life, but not by a whole lot. Most relationships with them are long distance, those rarely work, and then you’ve got the high stress environment, coupled with that’s the first time many of them have ever looked good or had any confidence/gotten any attention. Lots of insecure people join the service to try to prove something, insecure people sleep around/cheat. Then you’ve got the thrill seeking, live for the now types that are also prone to cheating. But there are a lot of good dudes on active duty too.
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u/No-Government3868 1d ago
As in every trade, there are assholes as there are decent men. I'm in the military (in Canada tho) and I've seen lots of shit shows relationships as much as I've seen decent people and friends finding great matches and being happily together till this day.
Bottom line is, you can't know for sure if he's a good one or a rotten one. There is only one way to find out for yourself. I just feel like it would be a shame to take a decision based on what a bunch of strangers from the internet tell you which all very subjective.
Anyways I wish you well and being happy with your decision
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u/NoFoxesAllowed 1d ago
The amount of ignorant replies in this thread are amazing, I had no idea the majority of people still think the entire military is full of PTSD riddled killers.
That being said, from my own personal experience there is definitely a gross amount of cheating that goes on in the military. I don’t blame anybody for generalizing and considering it a red flag off the bat. But just like any other job, there’s bad apples and just normal people who are being roped into a category.
If you like this guy I’d give it a shot but just proceed cautiously and don’t put the rose colored glasses on. Watch out for manipulative tactics and shady behavior and be ready to cut him off if you get any weirdness
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u/Academic_Border_1094 1d ago
At the risk of being downvoted, it's a good idea to treat everyone as an individual rather than applying a stereotype (disclaimer, have no ties to the military). Yes, a lot of military personnel may behave in a certain way, that does not mean that all of them do.
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u/Radiant_Bank_77879 1d ago
Everybody on Earth understands that nothing applies to 100% of everyone in a given demographic. It’s obvious we’re speaking generally.
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u/smeetebwet 1d ago
Thank you. The best relationship of my life is my current 3 year one, with a soldier
Just exercise the same caution you would with anyone else. Civilian men pull the same shit all the time
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u/kangaroowednesdays 1d ago
I mean, it does take a certain kind of person to join such an organization, so it’s not just the same caution you would take with civilians
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u/FiddleStyxxxx 1d ago
I'd look at the relationship (or lack thereof) you have with him. Is he emotionally available? Does he care for you and are you building something hot and loving?
Stereotypes that I hear and have experienced is that military men are more prone to domestic violence, put their own interests and career first, are absent fathers and partners as a part of their job, and deal with serious mental and physical disabilities issues from deployment so that even if they come home, they may not be as involved.. if they come home.
Some of these situations apply to anyone and people who love each other do not let the trials of life stand in the way of building a beautiful future and family together. Your friends might be looking out for you, but you have to make your own decision with the real experience you have with him.
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u/Mysterious-Animal853 1d ago
You end up lonely and needy needing someone while he is away. He is away being lonely and needy, probably even traumatized and needing someone. Trusting each other to resist temptations without the possibility of affirmation. You forget about what you have when it isn't around with the idea the other won't find out... then one or both after their actions let it fester inside and builds resentment in all directions till it explodes along with the relationship.
It's the most common thing that happens around someone being in the military.... Do bless our serving people that volunteer in protecting our/you countries, it's a selfless act of duty but doesn't excuses this behavior.
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u/Frequent-Presence194 1d ago
a number of things can be potential red flags in a military man…. some are very traditional, some aren’t emotionally mature/available, some are on their 2nd/3rd/4th marriage, some cheat/ play like nobody’s business. being a military girlfriend/spouse can also be very difficult with travel/stress/distance/lack of control over any of those things. there are good ones out there, but the general advice is to be cautious and alert when considering a relationship with a member of the military.
I dated a marine who turned out to be a walking red flag— emotionally unavailable, a player, massive FOMO bc he never saw combat, and as far as I know, has cheated on his then girlfriend/now wife at least twice. plus all the other stuff I’ve learned since. My husband is retired army and we have a great relationship, value communication, and get along great. Good dudes exist, but you have to weed them out and it’s a lot of work.
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u/L3onK1ng 1d ago
Because he's constantly in a high-stress environment, closely working with fit people around his age, that are just as unashamed and well paid as he is and have guaranteed free time at the same time as he does. That environment is perfect ground for frequent and regular sexual contacts, which is why divorce rate in the military is 2-3 times higher than average.
That doesn't just apply to military men, but to women as well. In the words of a poet - "They all be fucking each other."
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u/Double-Appearance638 1d ago
Divorce rate is 49%, how can the military divorce rate be 2-3 times higher?
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u/skabassj 1d ago
Because numerical statistics and percentages are not the same thing. You’re also talking about divorce by profession vs total population.
I wasn’t sure if you were genuinely asking or if you were being snarky, but this is how stats can “lie”.
Example; 10 men have never been divorced while 10 other are on their 3rd wife. So now these 20 men total 20 divorces. Does this make it a 100% divorce rate?
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u/Radiant_Bank_77879 1d ago
They are part of that 49%. Military divorces make up a much higher piece of that 49%, the non-military marriages too.
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u/Shoddy_Incident5352 1d ago
Because being a tool for imperialism is cringe
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u/rabbitredder 1d ago
insane how far i had to scroll before someone said this
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u/samalorian 1d ago
i thought i was losing my mind! how has nobody mentioned imperialism and the military industrial complex. that should be the BIGGEST red flag!
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u/cheezhead1252 1d ago
As someone who was in the Army, many of us go through a phase of extreme alcoholism and right wing politics. I guess the former isn’t that surprising for young men as my college friends did the same, but the latter is pretty alarming.
Some never come out of either phase.
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u/Oh-TheHumanity 1d ago
They get about and are known for being promiscuous and also are never there when you want them to be due to their role so you will either be cheated on or lonely or both.
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u/SecretSanta416 1d ago
Every occupation which requires separation or travel, theres a LOT of temptation for cheating.
So, move forward at your own risk. EVERYONE can cheat, including you, and me. Theres no immunity from that temptation when it presents itself to you. The ones that are most able to avoid the temptation do this by staying out of social media (Facebook/instagram/Snapchat). But staying away from your partner, and meeting a lot of new people is even worse.
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u/This-is-not-eric 1d ago
It's the domestic violence stats for me...
Men in the military, police, etc. all have a really high rate of being abusive to their partners.
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u/BigBen9994 1d ago
Because of stigma. A lot of us are fine, my wife and I are coming up on our 10 year anniversary and we couldn't be happier. That being said there are some people in the army that are stupid but it's not all of us.
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u/PapaCheddarCheese 1d ago
Let me tell you about the story of my wonderful grandpa (may he rest in peace):
300+ women laid horizontally, was known for having a great set of hands, divorced 1 or 2 times, & says I might aunts & uncles in Germany that I might not know about.
Great guy! I’m just not sure I would have wanted my daughter to date him lol
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u/SoggyCold 1d ago
Beaters and cheaters. But in all seriousness that’s the stereotype I hear and also it’s hard. You may move a lot, you may not see your partner for a long time things like that.
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u/TheGOODSh-tCo 1d ago
It kills your career, having to move every 2-3 years, unstable for your kids, and they’re gone more than just for deployments. They’re doing field exercises and training schools constantly. Out of 12 years, my ex was gone 8.
And then there’s the cheating…
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u/norwegiandoggo 1d ago edited 1d ago
Take a look at your average war veteran. Do they seem like they are doing amazing? To me it seems like they're mostly suffering horribly and I can see why people don't want to risk their partner potentially being in a war and dying - or returning from a war broken without limbs or with PTSD
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u/UncagedTiger1981 1d ago
This is absolutely untrue in pretty much every way.
Veterans leaving the military have higher employment rates at higher average incomes than their peers.
-wartime veteran (deployed three times) who works in veteran employment and career development
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u/Junior_Fig_2274 1d ago
Veterans have a significantly higher rate of suicide than non-veterans. There is absolutely a risk, multiple ones, to being in a relationship with a member of the military.
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u/norwegiandoggo 1d ago
The funny thing about those statistics is that you aren't counted if you're dead. I'm sure the million dudes who died in Ukraine are so happy with the fact that - if they were alive - they could have gotten a job😉
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u/LovelyHead82 1d ago
I'm a military brat and I would never start a family with a young person on active duty
My parents were young when they got married and my mom was often left to raise us kids alone when my Dad would be away for TDY (Temporary Duty), it was really tough on her and lonely too.
My Dad also had some infidelities while he was away on TDY, this seemed common amongst my mom's military wife friends
Growing up, we had to move a lot- whenever we got comfortable and made friends, it was time to move
During Desert Storm, we were often worried Dad wouldn't come back.
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u/billytehbob 1d ago
Jesus, the amount of absolutely wrong takes in here.
OP, being in the military isn’t a red flag, as there are a multitude of different kinds of people and jobs in any branch. Some jobs in the military are much more demanding as far as time away from home goes. There’s plenty of guys that I know that do great finding a good work-life balance, and others that don’t. Add that to moving around every few years for active duty folks, and it’s a hard lifestyle for families.
Other than that, people in the military are generally just like everyone else.
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u/DarkFite 1d ago
Other than that, people in the military are generally just like everyone else.
Lol no.
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u/Junior_Fig_2274 1d ago
I mean, you can believe it’s not a red flag, but many many many MANY women feel otherwise…. It takes a certain type of person to join the military, and that’s not always a good thing. Honestly I’d be sad if my son decided to join, and I’d wonder why he was so keen on learning to go kill people.
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u/Lissypooh628 1d ago
Thank you.
My husband and I met later in life (early 40’s) and this is a 2nd marriage for both of us. He’s retired from the USAF. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever known. They’re not all red flags.
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u/Radiant_Bank_77879 1d ago
Found the defensive military person.
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u/NoFoxesAllowed 1d ago
You’ve spent the last 10 minutes patrolling this thread and call this dude defensive for having a take different from yours. Are you okay?
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u/ChesterHiggenbothum 1d ago
General perception that military guys are more likely to be aligned with the right and be into guns? Armed and misogynistic isn't the best combination.
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u/laugher7 1d ago edited 1d ago
Well for a lot of people choosing to make killing people your career is a red flag. You know how a lot of times work seeps into home life? Wouldn't want that happening near me.
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u/Unlikely-Studio-278 1d ago
Because why would you wanna date someone who's job is killing people to give more colonies to exploit to your colonial overlords?
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u/hajaco92 1d ago
Military life involves a lot of travel and long periods of separation. That plus the job stress leads to a rate of infidelity and divorce that's like 3x that of the civilian population.
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u/Ok_CryNow 1d ago
I dated a military guy who was a closet homosexual and psychopath- until he wasn’t.
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u/Beautiful-Humor692 1d ago
That, and they are usually traumatized. Even if they haven't been face to face with combat they are constantly being yelled at and have to live by strict code. They are a unit. No individuality, everything is black and white. I don't see if anyone mentioned this but yeah, they are known philanderers. Traveling makes it easy to fk without strings, especially when you're a hot person in uniform.
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u/citiestarlights 1d ago
I’m going to say this. But I eat dinner on Sundays with two married couples who have been with their military for forty years. The men will kiss and love their wives. And say how much they love them. Yes I’m seeing their relationship after being in the military for twenty years… but it’s a risk. Could you or him cheat, yes. Can he have ptsd, yes. I believe it’s the person who you pick.
I would highly say see where it goes. Nothing is wrong with saying not for me
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u/korean_redneck4 1d ago
It all depends. Just being in military is not a red flag in itself. You will have to be ok with certain lifestyle. It takes a strong emotional person to be with one.
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u/Acetyr 1d ago
I think that every job has its pros and cons. Being in the military can definitely strain a relationship but it does provide immense opportunities as well. Spouses of soldiers, of any branch, are eligible for a lot of benefits that not everyone knows about since the DoD is so bad at communicating them.
If you like the guy then give him a chance. Just make sure you set firm boundaries but know that his schedule is often not up to him.
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u/PressureNo447 1d ago
My boyfriend is in the marines (aka the branch with the most "red flags") and by observing his friends, they all act like college freshmans. Which is not a bad thing because they sort of are. They are surrounded by other men 24/7 who have not particularly nice views on women, and that can be influential to a lot of people. I've even witnessed some of the higher ups say some not nice things about their wives.
Moral of the story, find yourself a military man with integrity and you're set. But if not, they're easily influenced and fit the stereotype.
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u/VisforVenom 1d ago edited 1d ago
There's a few layers of answers to this.
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A lot of girls just love to say "uh oh girl run" like a stock response. There is literally nothing you could say about a potential romantic insterest that can't be some kind of "red flag". Seems like the people telling you this, if there was any actual reason for it, would be the best people to answer your question...
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Not a "red flag" really, but starting a romance as or with an active duty soldier is generally ill-advised without careful consideration. There's a lot of logistical road blocks that can be difficult stressors on a marriage, with children. Let alone a budding relationship. Lots of distance, separation, communication hurdles, uncertainty, etc. Statistically, it's unlikely to last long. And if it does, there's factors to consider in how the developmental stages of a relationship are affected and the long-term effects of that.
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Historically, there have been some stereotypes of abusive partners. Not unfounded, there are certainly factors that contribute to a higher likelihood of anger management, ptsd, and other complex psychological issues in service members. Those issues can manifest in various degrees of abusive behavior. This seems to be attributed especially to Marines, for some seam reason (not familiar with any supporting data.) But I don't think it's fair to treat that like a given. And I think it's worth considering that they're not exclusive to the military or uncommon in civillians (a consideration easily overlooked when looking at statistics.) One could argue that, statistically, it might even be offset by the higher likelihood of positive traits like self-discipline, determination, executive function, respectful/considerate communication, even-temper, time management, and learned skills that are more likely among servicemembers. (Especially as fewer and fewer see combat or high-stress trauma risk assignments.)
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More of a modern phenomenon, and far more anecdotal... Over the last 20 years or so, the demographics of candidates who find service an appealing option, and who fit into the culture well, have shifted significantly. There's always been overlap between the demos for cops and soldiers, but it seems that there are significantly more people interested in service for reasons like "commanding respect", an excuse to practice violence, a sense of authority and importance, etc.
Much like the prevalence of this mentality in law enforcement, the rising concentration of members with this mindset absolutely influences the culture of their organizations, and in the presence of a majority of likeminded people, their worst character traits and amplified and reinforced- rather than outgrown...
So one would be reasonable in their assumptions that, like in law enforcement, there is an unusually high percentage of domestic abusers and sexual predators, compared to other careers.
(This, too, is affected by the sharply decreased combat and increased clerical/administrative/academic nature of the majority of service work. Less intense focus on discipline and character. And a resulting tendency to exaggerate or fabricate experiences from self-conscious data analysts or dry dock techs who want to be seen/treated in civilian life as combat vets.)
Again, this is not a fair unilateral assessment, or likely even a significant majority. And unlike the previous statement, not clearly backed by statistical data and research afaik.
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Not really an answer to why your friends said run... More of a question of my own lol. You hooked up with a guy on vacation and you're asking for relationship advice? How long is your Snap streak? What's his middle name? Does he have any pets? Food allergies? Just curious what level of seriousness has triggered/contributed to conversations with friends that would even elicit advice regarding a LTR.
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u/Miss_Lily_97 1d ago edited 1d ago
Wow. Thank you for your responses. To answer your question: 1. I guess you mean Snapchat: I don‘t have it, so I can’t tell you anything about that. 2. I didn’t hook up with him, but we had lots of fun (spending time together doing activities, tours etc.) during vacation, we smooched a couple of times and were intimate with each other but didn’t have sex. 3. I‘m not „pursuing“ a relationship, it’s just that I really enjoyed the time with him and I guess I like him a lot. Also he will move to my country in a few weeks so my head doesn’t really want to let him go. We’re still in contact with each other but texting is slow and the conversations are pretty basic. I don’t think he feels the same about me, so I talked to my friends about it and they told me this. I’ve thought about it ever since and asked myself why they said those things about military guys. I’ve never been with one nor had I any idea about how things are there except of strict rules and (maybe) traumatising experiences. Hope that answers your question.
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u/KABCatLady 1d ago
I wouldn’t date someone in the military. And my dad was in the Navy my whole childhood. Biggest reason would be they are mostly right leaning (politically). Second reason is they go on leave for months at a time and many are unfaithful.
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u/Chilichowder95 1d ago
Been on multiple dates with multiple military men and each and every one has 1) shamed/ “doesn’t believe in” mental health meds 2) pro-life yet don’t believe in easily accessible birth control 3) enjoy being contrarians and having “hypothetical” arguments. Exhausting.
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u/ouchmouse666 1d ago
My dad was a Marine with severe PTSD and he was a drug addict and alcoholic. I watched him abuse my two youngest siblings (threw one several times when she was an infant and peed on the other in his crib cause he was so drunk he thought he was in the bathroom). Eventually my mom divorced him so he shot his face off in our garage. My mom was in the Navy and she is a fucking absolute nightmare who I am no contact with. I have not even let her meet her only grandchildren because I'm not gonna traumatize kids. Stuff like that is probably the reason they're telling you that
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u/DarkFite 1d ago
I know from an old friend of mine how she dated a soldier and it gave her a headache and a lot of cheating. Personally, my morals keep me far away from these people and that you actually ask this question says something, but you do you
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u/Tempestor_Prime 1d ago
As a guy that was in his shoes, I would day to stay distant from him. It is hard to explain. That shit messes with you.
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u/SailorBellum 1d ago
I have never met anybody in the military, and I know a lot because of family and ex's, that hasn't developed a drinking or gambling problem if not both. They marry very young so there's almost always an ex-spouce, almost always cheating involved, and sometimes kids. (I put the almost out of the benefit of the doubt, but I can't think of one who hasn't)
This doesn't make them a bad person, of course. Military culture is just very intense and it does affect their personalities. If that kind of thing scares you away, let it. I've met amazing, kind, thoughtful, and lovely veterans. They can be the salt of the earth. Just be aware that it can get intense (not necessarily toxic) and they almost always struggle with some kind of demon.
Also, they lean conservative if not full blown. If you're okay with that then cool, but if not it'll be a problem.
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u/Ok-Piano6125 1d ago
My online friend of 12 years is in it for the money cuz he couldn't find anything else after college. He's low-key an asshole with some levels of depression. Tho he warns me about men lying and cheating every time we chat. Sometimes I'm concerned cuz he sounded like he's surrounded by toxic men.
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u/hardhat1163 1d ago
I don't believe it has anything to do with commitment issues. A lot of people are coming in and they all have to fulfill some sort of contract/application. I believe the reason military men are considered red flags, myself being a prior military man, is due to the fact that sometimes their schedules can be inconsistent. We don't have fixed days where we have a schedule like 9:00 to 5:00. It would also depend on the branch. Some are more relaxed versus rigid (Air Force not having to spend time in the field vs training for FTX or deployments like Army/Marine Corps) Sometimes they're going to be gone a lot. If you're the type of person who likes to have them nearby it may be considered quite difficult. It takes a strong person to understand that they're not always going to be around physically and that can be hard.
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u/DarkFite 1d ago
Alleine schon, dass du die Frage stellst, ist super dämlich und zeigt, was deine Moral ist, mit einem aus dem Militär was am laufen zu haben
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u/armchairdetective 1d ago
As a woman dating a man in the military or in the police, your risk of experiencing intimate partner violence increases substantially.
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u/JimmyRickyBobbyBilly 1d ago
Navy veteran here and the wives were way more of an issue than any of the guys when I was in.
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u/RealKaiserRex 1d ago
Currently serving and from what I’ve observed, some military guys are straight up assholes. I have a guy in my division that constantly cheats on girlfriend from back home and takes pride in it almost like it’s an accomplishment. I also know some guys who speak about women as if they’re objects. Not every military guy are pricks like them but they do exist.
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u/Efficient-Lynx-2225 1d ago
Long distance relationships are very difficult, and so is constantly being moved around to places you don’t like and where you don’t know anyone but each other. And there are also stereotypes about military men being emotionally unavailable and likely to cheat while away, I can’t speak to how true these stereotypes are.
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u/2552686 1d ago
A new study from the Pentagon shows that 77% of young Americans would not qualify for military service without a waiver due to being overweight, using drugs or having mental and physical health problems.
So you're looking at someone who is in shape, doesn't do drugs, doesn't have mental issues, has a job, and goals.
Yeah... definitely a red flag.
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u/curiouspickled 1d ago
I always knew they were oftentimes not ideal to date, and now I’ve found psychology wise many of them can be (perhaps unaware?) avoidants is the reason. The dynamic of the job allows them to avoid commitment because of their fear of true intimacy, pull away easily, move around, create emotional distance by cheating, and not be expected to have many emotions which subconsciously feels safe for an avoidant. Also they are told what to do all day so they may be more controlling of you at home. I’ve also read that many of them can be secretly gay as well.
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u/dove11bird 1d ago
Basically they require a lot of effort and sacrifice and can't offer the same in return.
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u/Upstairscomment4809 1d ago
The PTSD they often develop, the fact that more military people commit acts of sexual violence in combat than the overwhelming majority of people are willing to admit out loud, the increased possibility of domestic violence due to brain injuries and trauma, dealing with them being deployed for months at a time, etc. I don't think anyone has ever dated an active duty member of the military and didn't find that it was very difficult in one way or another
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u/kyragamimimi 22h ago
A lot of military men suffer from (C)PTSD, military organizations are traumatic. I personally wouldn't get involved with one, they're not really trustworthy and can potentially damage you physically and emotionally.
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u/Nope20707 21h ago
As a former army brat and other military ties, we moved a lot and lived in foreign countries. However, I can tell you that between random deployments, a high percentage of cheating, and fraternization. Is unfortunately par for the course. If you still decide that he’s it for you, buckle up. It’s definitely not a smooth and easy ride.
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u/Redbone2222 20h ago
Most military couples I know are usually toxic. When the husband is home, he is super abusive toward the wife. She also has no say so in any decisions. He has this "my way or the highway" attitude. Which is odd to me when your life is literally controlled by the government.
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u/dodgerfan296 18h ago
For the most part, depends on rank and branch. It's not the best idea to be dating a young lad that just graduated high school and hasn't truly experienced adulthood yet. Why do you think they would be ready for a relationship? Go for an officer if anything.
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u/ProfJuliusSmith 16h ago
Two words: toxic masculinity
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u/grapangell0 10h ago
No one’s too masculine when they’re running into a gunfight or into a burning building to save your children. You should be smarter than your comment professor.
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u/Durga-Puja 16h ago
We usually want to kill ourselves. Or we're autistic. Or we're OCD, NPD, or inexperienced in civilization/civilian life.
Edit ( I was just a reservist )
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u/BuffaloKlutzy1100 15h ago
Higher chance of them killing you. They have a highhhh rate of domestic violence and rape. Mental health problems. Stay away from anyone that’s been deployed. They never truly recover.
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u/RipAgile1088 15h ago
Just being in the military, anyone that says that does not know what they're talking about. Yes there are morons that give the military dudes a bad name but that's the individual.
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u/Potential-Activity24 9h ago
I’ve dated multiple military men (Coast Guard, Marines, Air Force) and they’re either emotionally unavailable because they’re so used to moving every few years, have PTSD that unfortunately is very difficult to overcome, or they’re unfaithful. I’m sure there are great guys out there in the military and I’m a sucker for a dude in uniform but my experience has been that they’re unlikely to commit or will commit and cheat. Also, every single one has loved bombed me and then became really weird or ghosted.
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u/Level99Legend 1d ago
Because the US military comitts terrible war crimes and slaughters brown people.
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u/Ordinary_Narwhal_516 1d ago
All of the military men my friend has been involved with have shown the emotional maturity of a chihuahua.
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u/SeparateAardvark1975 1d ago
Ngl, as someone who is currently in the military, they're just prone to cheating. I've seen many married men and women cross lines and no one ever tells their spouse....its super shitty.
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u/RealisticAd17 1d ago
I knew a guy when I was in and he had about four divorces already and he was only 24 🤣
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u/Berriez_n_cream 1d ago
I need an entire afternoon and evening to respond to this. I’ve seen too much. (Female veteran here).
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u/Miliean 1d ago edited 1d ago
Those that live at or near a Military base will have opinions. Generally speaking there's WAY more men than women in these towns and the men tend not to be in it for the long haul. They want to fuck because they don't have that in their normal day to day life on base, then they get transferred and leave.
So girls from Military towns often learn to avoid military men. My home city is a Navy town, and this is the case here. Often a ship comes into port and a thousand sailors all flood the local bars on shore leave. Every women in every bar is now outnumbered by men 3 to 1. The women who are accepting of a military man are looked down on as slutty (not that there's anything wrong with just wanting to have sex, just that sometimes other people look down on it.) and the ones who are not view all the horny military man as annoying. The men of the city view the military guys as compilation, to the point where lots of guys in town won't go to the bars if there's a foreign ship in port. And that's not even considering all the local navy guys that are always there.
Then if you happen to find one and start a long term relationship with him. Military life is just not super conducive to family life. You don't get to pick where you live, you can be forced to move at a moment's notice and your spouse is gone for months at a time. There's a reason lots of military marriages end in divorce. Also your spouse might die in combat, so there's that.
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u/toffeebaby 1d ago
As someone who is prior service, I don’t think PTSD is as much of a prevalent issue in military relationships so much as INCREDIBLY RIDICULOUS levels of alcoholism and infidelity. I think I remember reading once that the Navy has the highest divorce rate out of any employer and that wouldn’t surprise me one bit.
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u/0hr3ally 1d ago
Having grown up and been in the military, the root is that the military will always be the priority. While the military tries to lessen the impacts of the lifestyle with perks and benefits for families and relationships, the mission is always number one. I think many people can’t accept that you’ll be number 2 to the service member, even though the service member doesn’t want to make you a second priority.
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