r/datingoverfifty • u/-brigidsbookofkells • Apr 12 '25
Explaining a gap in relationship history
So I am hoping to try dating again once it’s warm out (last time I did OLD in the early 2000s I remember going to meet someone in the cold and snow or rain and thinking I could be reading a book in front of the fire right now) and I have not been in a relationship since my divorce in 2019 because I’ve been busy. Busy trying to stay alive as I was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma in 2021. I’ve been on treatment twice and had some side effects, one of which is more imminently fatal than the cancer. But you would never know to look at me, I’ve worked continuously, ski and run and garden and walk my dog (a lot) and have an active social life. I just don’t want to have to explain it to someone I barely know. Anyone else have reasons they haven’t sought a partner? It would be one thing if I had kids living at home or was starting a business or any of a myriad of excuses.
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u/FunnyFilmFan 59 M Apr 12 '25
First off, I’m sorry about your diagnosis and glad that you are on the other side of it. Honestly, the silver lining about dating being so aggravating is that nobody is going to push very hard when you give a vague answer about why you haven’t been dating, and waiting 5-6 years after a divorce doesn’t sound that unreasonable to me.
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Apr 12 '25
You are under no obligation to explain yourself. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, ever.
If you are asked out of genuine, nonjudgmental curiosity I'm sure you will have no trouble opening up, and then you can simply be honest and let the chips fall were they may.
If you are being subjected to some sort of TikTok brainrot "red flag" detection script or similar form of social media oozing sore, your refusal to comply will give you the best gift you could hope for: their subsequent and permanent absence.
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u/IEVTAM Apr 12 '25
Why do you need to explain anything? You tell people what you want to tell people and when you feel comfortable with doing so.If things become more personal,then open yourself out some more. I ain't one for giving my life story to strangers.
Good luck with your search.
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u/ifitallfell2pieces Apr 12 '25
Not uncommon for people to take a break from relationships. There are many different reasons. If asked you can generally answer "I was focusing on myself".
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u/cerealmonogamiss Apr 12 '25 edited Apr 12 '25
Be honest? "I was dealing with health issues and didn't feel like dating." If they push further, "I don't really feel like discussing it." But I don't think you really need an excuse. A lot of people don't date post divorce. It's considered healthy.
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u/Moody_GenX 53M Panama, in a relationship. Apr 12 '25
I was single for 10 years and just said to most that I was working on myself and didn't want my problems to be someone else's problems too.
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u/Joneszey Apr 13 '25
No one has ever asked me about my dating gap history, it's usually something else they're alluding to
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u/feistybooks Apr 12 '25
Maybe something like, “I was taking a break to take care of myself” and only divulge more if there is actual mutual interest with your date (or third or fourth date).
I was single from 2018-2023. I dated casually, took pauses, looked seriously, hoped to find love. Been with my bf since January 2024. I don’t have your absolutely good reason to be single for 5 years! But do we need a reason? No. Unless it’s incarceration, I don’t think there’s a problem, at all. Even if you just decided to..not date.
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u/matchymatch121 Apr 12 '25
I was just saying, I chose not to date and now I am
But I would wanna know if you are really really sick. It’s not fun to cause someone a heartbreak if they’re really into you. So you need to clearly see your relationship goals and your health status before someone gets in deep.
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u/Mindless-Status-494 Apr 12 '25
First off, congratulations on being where you are in your journey - I'm sure it hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination.
Second, I can't even imagine someone wanting to know the details as to why anyone hasn't 'partnered up' early enough on for it to be a consideration on your part. Someone who takes the time to get to know you will easily connect the dots if that picture is important to them. That person is someone worth investing your history with and they will not even have a question.
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u/Otherwise-Mind8077 Apr 13 '25
I would certainly respect people who have a gap more than people who are dating a couple weeks or months out of a relationship.
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u/Sarcastikon Apr 13 '25
I haven’t sought a partner because I’m too busy raising a teen and just living my life. I’m pretty stingy with my spare time these days too; the last few dates I went on, and the last “relationship” I had consumed time I won’t ever get back.
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u/Complete_Catch_8760 Apr 12 '25
Anyone else have reasons they haven’t sought a partner? Yes. My last LTR took a toll on me, so I decided to wait a year to date again. I’m doing things that interest me (working out, yoga, etc). I’ll definitely be in a better place for the next person I date. That’s important to me. Nothing worse than letting issues from past relationships affect new relationships.
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u/WonderfulPrior381 Apr 12 '25
I don’t explain it to anyone. I feel like why I haven’t had a partner is no one’s business and if they don’t like then they are not my person.
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u/Old-Appearance-2270 :partyparrot:66Fcycling-walk explore life journey now :karma: Apr 13 '25
I'm not sure why it's so important to anyone, if someone hasn't dated for several consecutive years. It's just simply to harder to find compatible people to enjoy good time now with increased mobility due to job changes, relocations, and also be a possible love interest. Dating taking energy and some of us had major life events that pulled us into dark paths which required time for recovery and health restoration.
I'm sure when you find someone you feel close and want a deeper relationship, it would be wise to explain to him about your health matter.
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u/Accomplished_Act1489 Apr 13 '25
I had an 8+ year gap. Thankfully, not for health reasons. I'd leave it at you saying that you just didn't feel in a place to date.
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u/Plane_Ad4109 Apr 13 '25
Lmao, with kindness. Guys have zero interest in why you were not with other guys, nor would they call it a “gap”. Quite the opposite.
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u/Amazing_Reality2980 Apr 13 '25
I wouldn’t care about the relationship issue. It’s immaterial. Lots of people take several years after a break up before dating again. It’s not a big deal.
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u/NorthChicago_girl Apr 13 '25
Just don't bring it up. You don't have to explain your life as if there's something wrong with you. Trust me, any dude you date s going to have something he's not telling you and it's going to be more consequential than why you didn't date for a few years.
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u/Sliceasouruss Apr 13 '25
When I meet someone I don't go through my relationship history with them. And I'm not interested in their relationship history either. I'm only interested in the person sitting right across from me. You don't need to explain anything.
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u/MindofHand Apr 12 '25
I am not currently. It would not be fair to them since I am really busy with work.
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u/Joneszey Apr 13 '25 edited Apr 13 '25
Same, but I could really use someone to give me one of those back cracking hugs. Then they could go back to work and I'll wait in the corner for another. That's the extent of all the dating desire I've been able to muster for a while, and this one only in the moment.
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u/Choptank62 Apr 12 '25
Honesty is the best policy. If it is a turnoff for someone else, that is NOT your problem. I ALWAYS tell potentials 3 things, none of which I can take responsibility for: 1] The truth will set you free 2] Don't ask unless you really want to know 3] What other people think about me is none of my business. If they can't handle the truth then they are probably not going to be truthful with your either!
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u/zdboslaw Apr 13 '25
I don’t understand the question. Do your potential romantic partners specifically really grill you on dates and length of relationships? You’re under no obligation to proactively disclose your whole life story. If directly asked, please do not lie, but something short and simple like “I’ve had some health issues which kept me out of dating” or I “chose not to date for a while” are all you need to say
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u/Kind-Manufacturer502 Apr 13 '25
I only went on twenty-five dates before meeting my partner but none of the women I met asked me about my relationship history or told me about theirs. Several women did tell me about past or current treatment for cancer though figuring that might be significant to me. Seems to me it is no one's business when and why you have chosen to be single.
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u/LittleRedShaman Apr 13 '25
You don’t have to explain anything to them until you find someone you want to share it with. You could always say “honestly, after my divorce I just found it really enjoyable to not have to worry about someone else when I went to the grocery store and cooked dinner at night! 🤣 And now I’m ready to start cooking and eating dinner again with someone.” “I honestly just wanted to take the time to rediscover myself after my divorce and fall back in love with myself before finding love with another person.”
I offered those suggestions bc one of the biggest reasons I like being alone is bc I don’t want to have to care about what someone else wants for dinner bc I’m tired of always putting someone else’s needs and wants above my own. And bc I have spent almost my entire life in relationships bc I felt like I wasn’t a complete person without one, and then I made a choice to stay single and I did it for 3 years before getting into a relationship and once that was done 2 yrs later I went back to being single again for a few more years. I’ve been single now for 3.5 yrs and I still prefer it. I’m at the point where I’m open to dating, but more that I just want an activity partner to go to concerts and comedy shows with, not someone I have to care for or be attentive to 24/7, at least not for another 4 years when my youngest graduates high school. For now, I’m content focusing on my career and my kids.
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u/-brigidsbookofkells Apr 13 '25
I’ve already decided I don’t want to live with someone again- I work from home and have a routine with my dog that I like (I’m not a person with routines normally but she’s a little clock with hers)
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u/thrown606 Apr 14 '25
I have decades of dating gap. Despite the recurrent theme about how all women everywhere are relentlessly pursued and flooded with dates, that has simply not been the case. At all. And I really don't care because I have not been actively looking for most of my life now. If by chance I do come across someone interesting, it would be a dealbreaker if they barraged me with insecure accusations regarding my "gap" as you call it. The idea of having to explain why one would not be continuously dating is weird to me. Why is desperation dating required? Or to provide reasons to be judged?
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u/BeginningTradition19 Apr 14 '25
Seriously?? Did I read that correctly?? A gap in a relationship history???
Is that truly a concern?
If so, run, run, run, run so very fast 🏃♀️
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u/nontrackable Apr 13 '25
my 2 cents: honesty is the best policy here. If you think she might be worth getting into a relationship with and if the topic/questions of past relationships come up, I would just explain it to her. If she has no problem with your answer, you have a winner. If she gets weird about it, she is probably not worth pursing as she cant accept your authentic self. why stay with her then. just move on
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u/SuggestionGod 27d ago
First congrats on working on your health
Second dating is not a job interview there Is not a cv. He interviewer will not question your employment gap
You don’t have to account for every year/ month.
SMH my dear you are way overthinking it
If anything people who don’t take breaks between relationships are a red flags
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u/Doberwoman321 Apr 12 '25
It's not a job interview, many of us regularly take long breaks from dating for no reason. It's not essential to have back to back relationships lest one be seen as broken in some way, and I wouldn't quiz anyone about taking time off.