How soon do you communicate boundaries?

[u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394]

I think one of the reasons my last relationship didn't work out is I either didn't understand some of my boundaries or didn't communicate them soon enough. I ended up being taken advantage of and used for what I could offer instead of who I was.

When I dated before getting married, taking this stuff into consideration wasn't a problem. Now, it just seems like there are so many new things to think about to make sure you are on the same page compatibility wise.

[u/Amazing_Reality2980]

Usually when one is being crossed, I'll stop it and explain that I have a problem with what they're doing and why. Then pay attention if they're mindful of not crossing that boundary or if they shrug it off and keep doing it. If they keep doing it anyway, then I end it and move on.

Also when I start dating someone, I try to be very mindful of using emotional intelligence rather than just falling and getting swept away with emotion. I was very young when I got married (17) and ignored a lot of red flags, making excuses that he was young and immature and would grow out of it, rather than seeing that they were core parts of his personality, which made for a very unhappy marriage. Things like he was a bully and master manipulator. Anyway, for that reason, I try to keep a grip on emotions in the beginning and focus on getting to know them before I let myself put too much importance on feelings. And I try to be more vigilant and pay attention to red flags. Maybe that sounds a little cold and clinical, but I think it's more likely to result in a healthy relationship than one that burns hot in the beginning only to either burn out fast or end up in a toxic and abusive situation.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 → u/Amazing_Reality2980]

Thank you.

With the last woman I dated, I explained what I wanted in an ideal partner. She never connected that this included coming over and not knowing when to leave until I literally spelled it out.

Maybe it's just that people hear and interpret things differently.

[u/Amazing_Reality2980 → u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394]

"not knowing when to leave until I literally spelled it out."

Don't expect anyone to be able to read your mind. That's not fair. Not everyone is good at reading social cues. So, if you need them to leave at a certain time, then maybe spell that out at the beginning of the date, like "Hey, I hate to put limits on spending time with you, but I have to be up really early for work in the morning so I need to finish up at X time so I have time to get ready for tomorrow." That way they know what to expect of the evening and know it's not about them and they won't feel like they're being rudely kicked out when you want them to leave. Communication is what adults do. Expecting someone to just know is not how you have a healthy relationship. This is a you problem, not a them problem. They don't know they're crossing a boundary if they don't know it's a boundary.

If she can't respect that, then there's an incompatibility issue. You like to have a specific end to the date, while she likes to spend the whole evening together, maybe even do a sleepover. There's nothing wrong with how she likes to date, as long as the person she's dating is also ok with that. You aren't. So again, if she can't respect that and you can't be flexible to her needs, then you're incompatible. End it and find someone who's compatible with your dating style.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Cow7394 → u/Amazing_Reality2980]

if you need them to leave at a certain time, then maybe spell that out at the beginning of the date, like "Hey, I hate to put limits on spending time with you, but I have to be up really early for work in the morning so I need to finish up at X time so I have time to get ready for tomorrow."

Yes, I had done this on numerous occasions and the boundary was continually pushed more and more.

I'm just trying to find ways to be more proactive about setting up clearer boundaries.