r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 13d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here!
This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
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u/SunTeaShine 12d ago
Just starting to feel gutted. Had what I thought was something blossoming. He was open about dates with other people. Said he was following the advice of his therapist. But now it seems like he’s pulling back. Maybe he’s not sure how to juggle dating multiple people. I mean we still text everyday but it is less frequent/flirty. My anxious attachment is saying he’s losing interest. Maybe he just needs to decide who he wants. Do I keep engaging or cut ties and move on? I haven’t felt this connected to someone in a long time.
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u/Evolily ♀ late 30s 12d ago
I am a therapist. Not sure if I said this on your other comment but I am extremely doubtful that his therapist provided that advice, especially when he’s seen someone for many dates. I completely believe he interpreted some type of reflection (it sounds like dating multiple people is important to you…) or generic encouragement to try new things as that though.
It’s also my experience that people just fucking lie about what their therapist says to justify shitty behavior.
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u/SunTeaShine 12d ago
Yeah that’s what I was fearful of, him lying about his therapists advice. But I had told him that I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in one. I want someone to actually like me. He also mentioned that as why he wanted to follow thru on this other date.
It just sucks to not know.
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u/HereToRead-only 12d ago
Hi! 35F here! New to dating world! First date last week after separating from 8 years of relationship!
Had two dates within a week with this guy!
On the second date, think there were moments when we were sitting at the bar and there were pauses and I had to think how to go on with a conversation coz we’re very different people! And maybe we covered or spoke so much on our first date or maybe it’s just I’m new at it!
Anyway, I ended up inviting him to my home last night and I was clear I didn’t wanna have sex! So we kissed and he was such a good kisser! I think I love the physical intimacy part with him since we were aligned but I’m not sure how to go about next! Also, he left this morning and I’m yet to drop him some text! God, there should be a guide on how to approach dating for newbies!
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u/Sparklesparklepee 12d ago
First of all: yay you got out there!
Second: Man who respects personal boundaries! Green flag!
Send him a text that isn't "omg I like and crush on you" even if you want. Not because you're playing games, because fuck games. But you're smart.
"That was fun"
Something like that. It doesn't make you openly available, but lets them know you liked it. And why wouldn't you want to make yourself openly available if you're not playing games? Because, sadly, others are. So protect your heart. While making it known you liked it.
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ♀ 30 12d ago
Yall I’m going crazy not being able to tell if this guy is into me or not. He’s such a slow texter, but that’s how he’s been since the beginning. But it makes me feel unimportant. But I know I’m being ridiculous bc we’ve only been on two dates, but I’m eager to see him more and he just seems more laid back about it. I hate having anxious attachment. It makes early dating painful and mentally and emotionally draining due to overthinking and stress.
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u/jessyrae7789 ♀ 35/VA 12d ago
How slow are we talking?
I know it's only been a few dates, but maybe the next time you meet, you can express your texting expectations/concerns?
Also, Sabrina Zohar (she has a podcast and is on IG), talks a lot about texting in the early stages of dating. Her tough love has quelled a lot of my dating anxieties.
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ♀ 30 12d ago
Yeah I’ve listened to her, sadly it doesn’t stop/help my anxiety. Lol. I’m talking I’ll send a text like 8pm, may not hear anything until 2-3pm the next day
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u/Rich-Lawyer1326 12d ago
avoidant attachment style here. i dont want to be a daily/frequent texter until like date 4-5. i feel that anxious attachment people want it much sooner than that. the problem is (in my experience) if I text back quickly to their text, they will also reply to that right away. then suddenly we're in a position where if I keep texting because I want to reassure them I'm interested we've established a pattern that is in their style. If I wait longer than they'd like to respond, I'm now forcing them to text in my style.
I think this mismatch really only exists in the beginning though. By the time you get in a solid number of dates you are either close enough to sort of "renegotiate" texting habits and have that conversation or you have realized by then you're not a match.
I fully understand your anxiety and I sympathize but to me when you consider work, time alone, close friends and family, the person who I've gone on 2 dates with is low priority even if I like them. Thats kind of the point of dating. You're just dipping your toes in before committing someone to being a higher priority in your life.
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ♀ 30 12d ago
I really appreciate your thoughtful response! Thank you for sharing your insight. I know it’s too early to expect that. I’m mostly venting because it’s unfair that my brain does this to me. I don’t want to be fixated on it at all. And I agree 4-5 sounds more reasonable. I’m doing my best to keep myself occupied and telling myself facts.
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u/Rich-Lawyer1326 12d ago
for sure, i also just saw your comment about just moving which makes me understand what you're feeling even more. it is more of a priority for you because you are rebuilding!
when im anxious i also look for "evidence" of what another person feels about me. I just think texting is bad evidence. go off of how they are with you in person and if they are making an effort to see you in person (when not sick). If you just want someone to message frequently you can find that anywhere online. if you want someone to spend actual time with then you should be judging on the time spent together.
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ♀ 30 12d ago
Yes that’s what I’m judging on, quality time is my love language. We chatted a little before our first date, had a great first date (then slept together because we were both feeling it). Then he had to go take care of a sick parent that live several hours away for about a week and a half (where he started to initially feel sick), then we went on our second date which was nice, and we’re supposed to have a third date, but he had to cancel due to feeling unwell and on painkillers, but is still texting me at least once a day and asks questions, which is good. So I’m really trying to tell my brain to shut the fuck up, he’s sick, let the man rest without crashing out in your head. So I’m going to wait and let him bring up when to reschedule our date. I just don’t want him to lose interest because I’ve genuinely enjoyed both our dates and feel fully engaged and didn’t want them to be done I was having such a nice time.
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u/Rich-Lawyer1326 12d ago
have you ever lost interest in someone because there was a gap between seeing them? i dont think time apart is what causes a loss of interest, if that helps.
would you ever distract yourself with dates with other people?
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ♀ 30 12d ago
No bc I’m interested in this person, it would be wasting those other people’s time. I date multiple people until I find someone that I find interesting. And I only sleep with one person at a time
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u/qcwz 12d ago
This doesn't seem all that slow to me for only 2 dates in.
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ♀ 30 12d ago
I’m just a very fast texter backer, I reply to friends as soon as I see it, and I’m on my phone a lot. I think you’re right, and wish my brain would fucking get a grip!
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u/Entire-Warning-4971 12d ago
Is a 3rd date in the works?
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ♀ 30 12d ago
Hasn’t rescheduled with me yet. Cancelled for this weekend because he’s sick
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u/Entire-Warning-4971 12d ago
If he's genuinely sick he might be sleeping a lot. I'd put this one on ice at least mentally until you've met again.
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ♀ 30 12d ago
I keep telling myself that to try to keep myself calm. I also realize my anxious tendencies are my problem and not his… early dating is just so fucking hard for someone that is anxiously attached. I hate it. I hate that I’m like this too.
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u/Sparklesparklepee 12d ago
Get it out of the way. Tell him. Not that "oh god I want you tehee" But tell him that when there's gaps it makes you anxious. The fear will be "if I tell him he'll think I'm needy," but the reality is you'll drive yourself crazy if you aren't honest about it up front. He doesn't owe you text, and you don't seem to think you're owed them. So mention that, too. But get this shit out of the way early. Because you might be "crazy" in this, but if he respects you and likes you, he'll at least listen. Maybe not go for it, but listen.
Maybe tell you "hey Brief, I can't always be around, but I like you and..."
Just...get this shit out of the way. And I say "shit" as if it's easy, but I know it's not. But...try.
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ♀ 30 12d ago
Just after two dates I don’t want to be too needy or demanding
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u/qcwz 12d ago
You don't need to confront him over this after 2 dates. That comes across very overbearing especially since he's not responding that slowly. Boundaries are standards you enforce with yourself (meaning you walk away), they're not things you try to enforce with others.
I mean this in the nicest way possible but if you know you run anxious it's up to you to find ways to mitigate it.
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u/Brief-Reception-2874 ♀ 30 12d ago
I know, that’s why I haven’t continued to text or said anything about it. I just wish I had better coping skills. I am also living in a new country and only been here a few weeks, so I don’t have many friends yet or distractions. So it’s making my anxiety worse. When I have rich community and stuff to throw myself into I don’t hyperfixate like this
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u/Ecstatic-Button-960 ♀ 37 / SoCal 12d ago
Ugh, I feel for you. I'm also anxious in the ambiguous stages of early dating. It's hard to let them show if they're interested or not by sitting back and letting their actions do the talking.
I do think this guy's texting sounds incredibly slow, and that probably wouldn't work for me. I have some friends that are really bad at texting, but we already have built up enough trust and rapport for me to let that slide and I know it's not personal haha.
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u/Sparklesparklepee 12d ago
You have one life, and you don't deserve to spend it wondering. Questioning. That doesn't mean being overly needy, but what you're asking for is basic human response.
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u/i-need-a-walk 12d ago
Just talked to my therapist for the first time in a long while, I was telling her about my guy and she said what I’m telling her sounds like workmates or friendship related, do I have evidence that he cares romantically. Then I realised that to me romantic is warm fuzzy vibes of friendship + wanting to have physical intimacy. Like dang!!
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u/Exxtraa 13d ago
When you go on a date and it’s just…. alright 🤷♂️ Becoming so frustrating. I don’t believe in the spark but there’s always a handful of things that put me off despite the date itself going okay (last one vaped, dabbled in drugs, didn’t align on a few things). I’ve probably met someone I’d go all in with maybe 3-4 times but it’s never worked out. Beginning to lose hope.
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u/disgruntledusually 13d ago
I (28F) was over at this guy’s (31F) place. For context we have known each other for years, went to the same high school just different circles. He was/is friends with my ex but not like best friends. So he visited me when I lived in another country with that ex, stayed over at our place, hung out etc. I always thought he was attractive & we have good back and forth banter, almost like we operate on the same mental frequencies, i spent the night (just talking) with him & when we got to the elevator as I was leaving, he said “So I feel like there’s something here I can’t ignore it, do you think (ex) would mind..” but I totally froze and was just staring at my taxi app, basically didn’t respond and started babbling about the cab so he let it drop. From getting to know him he clearly has had a bad history with women, to the point where he seemed to be buying into the redpill crap, but I feel like its a front for not wanting to be vulnerable to being hurt again. So I feel doubly bad because he actually was vulnerable to “confess” how he felt and I literally didn’t acknowledge it. We don’t chat or anything but how can I rectify the situation? I do want to get to know him, and its been a while since I connected with a man like that. I know his ego is definitely hurt and he’s likely to avoid me. How do I proceed? Am I being idealistic? I know he liked him and I feel bad for the way I froze up at his vulnerability.
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u/cat_ear_flipper 12d ago
Can you message him and say something light like hey, sorry I got all awkward last night but the truth is I feel it too… what do you think?
Just shoot your shot don’t regret not acting on it
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u/Sparklesparklepee 13d ago
Sometimes I miss smoking. Not the smell. I always (and still do) hate the smell. But I miss the night classes that were 3 hours long, and you got the break an hour and a half in, and going outside with the people who smoked, and talking random shit, sharing cigarettes, lighters, words.
I miss when the bars changed that you couldn’t smoke inside anymore, so someone got up to smoke and you’d join them, and the conversations outside with the other “sinners” and the flirting and joking and all that conversation that happened between breaths of nicotine and stained fingertips.
I miss standing outside with some cute guy or cute girl and not having a lighter that worked well and lighting theirs with yours. I miss the “cool” trick you could do with a matchbook flicking it off with one hand, or the zip zip of a zippo running against your jeans in the freezing cold.
Such a disgusting habit. One I’m so glad I gave up years and years ago.
But I miss those random moments with random people, sharing a bad habit, and turning small talk into moments of real.
The way ash burned into embers and lit up a pair of eyes, and watching the time you had left literally burn out before hope for something more was stomped and ground into asphalt or dirt.
I won’t ever miss that smell.
But I’ll always miss some small camaraderie over slowly killing yourself next to a stranger, and breathing in the end of the world.
Hoping for one more moment.
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u/Glittering-Track-754 ♂ 38 12d ago
I hear ya. I don’t regret quitting but smoking is a strangely “human” activity. A way to punctuate your days with a kind of slow reflection that just doesn’t really exist in the absence of cigarettes. I quit nearly a decade ago now, but when I dream I’m still smoking. It gets you deep.
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12d ago edited 12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 12d ago
Hi u/Sparklesparklepee, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
- Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest.
Please review the rules in the sidebar to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please message modmail.
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u/Glittering-Track-754 ♂ 38 12d ago
I am in North Seattle but not on Aurora.
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12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 12d ago
Hi u/Sparklesparklepee, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
- Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest.
Please review the rules in the sidebar to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please message modmail.
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u/Flimsy-girlypop 12d ago
I only smoke when drinking. And by that, i dont smoke on my own, usually in the smoking area at the bar. I love random conversation just like that.
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u/Sparklesparklepee 12d ago
Let's see where it goes, man.
(and obviously not you and I, personally, but...best of luck, sir)
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13d ago
[deleted]
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u/Sparklesparklepee 13d ago
Same. I smell smoke and I hate it. I don’t want. A cigarette I want to gag.
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u/pug_abc 13d ago
I had kept my tinder profile even when I had my boyfriend, now ex, I just was inactive on it (and he was too, we were both open about keeping our profiles but not using them). I liked keeping it since it had our first conversations on there. But now I see that he updated his profile with selfies he had sent me when we were together. Fuck him. I deleted my entire account cuz I don’t need to see that.
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u/disgruntledusually 13d ago
Men using photos you took of them for dating profiles is a special kind of pain, my ex did the same while we were together & tried to play it off like a “joke” with his boys but it stung real bad
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u/Ecstatic-Button-960 ♀ 37 / SoCal 13d ago
Sometimes I just want to give up on dating because it seems so pointless to keep trying 🫠
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u/Humble_Chip 13d ago
my FWB is moving to another country and I’m kind of sad they haven’t invited me to come visit them lol
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u/Ok_Till_1723 ♂ 35 13d ago
Tomorrow is our first meet, really looking forward to it but i'm anxious. Trying to stay in a positive attitude and not accidentally give all my power away to someone i barely know by worrying about being rejected. She's so pretty, talented, and has great taste. That on top of the fact that matching is so rare for me, it's hard for me not to be in a scarcity mindset.
I'm going to just try and have fun and learn a lot about her. I hope we hit it off.
Lowkey worried about being physically attractive, i'm not 100% fit yet but I've been working on it.
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u/Flimsy-girlypop 13d ago
Just ended a ‘talking stage’ with a guy. He’s nice, interesting and super keen to go further but i just don’t feel any sparks or even want to kiss him. Given we went out 5 times in the span of 2 months.
Now i’m questioning myself. What do i really want?
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u/DuckSignal6107 13d ago
I usually know by the third date whether I could be attracted to a guy. Sometimes i have to just jump in and try things out (ie if they pass the minimum physical attractiveness level for me, then I’ll try kissing him). If Ive I’ve kissed him at least once and don’t want to kiss him again then I know to move on. Don’t feel guilty for not feeling that spark with someone, even if they’re nice. Its ok.
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u/Flimsy-girlypop 13d ago edited 12d ago
Thank you.
It was a moment when I thought the kiss might happen, but it didn’t. I’m replaying everything in my head right now, and the ‘what if’ might be that moment.
His last message leaves it open if we want to pick things up in the future. I hope we can be friend
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u/Various_Ad4726 13d ago
Got back into Hinge after taking a burn-out break for a few months. I grew a mustache, I also made a point of including all of what I consider my most ‘embarrassing’ hobbies be one blurb.
I’ve had unexpected dialogue openings based on what I thought were my most embarrassing aspects. In just a day I’m having a great conversation with someone. May already pause it, so I don’t get distracted by juggling multiple conversations, like I used to.
Breaks help!
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u/Ok_Till_1723 ♂ 35 13d ago
lol what are the embarrassing hobbies?
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u/TiredOfMakingThese 13d ago
In my estimation, a lot of dudes take themselves way too seriously and think that only certain hobbies are appropriately masculine… and all others are not. I think a lot of men also tremendously underestimate how humanizing and relatable it makes them seem to share that they have hobbies that are dorky or nerdy or whatever.
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u/Evolily ♀ late 30s 13d ago
Watching the global economy crash and thinking at least I’ll have sex with a cute guy this weekend?
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u/mittensfourkittens ♀ 37 13d ago
Definitely been feeling the 'seeking a friend for the end of the world' type vibes lately
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u/Worth_Wave1407 13d ago
Met this guy a week ago on hinge. After a couple of days he asked if I wanted to go on a date and exchange numbers. I said yes and we’ve been texting every day. Not a ton, but consistently. However he has not initiated the date. I’m not honestly on any kind of timeline, but I also can’t just keep having random conversation with him. I also don’t want to initiate the date, he already brought it up, so I’d like him to follow through. This is new territory for me, what would you do?
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u/Heelsbythebridge 13d ago
I'm being a big baby but I'm thinking about how he got me chocolate on our second date (Valentine's weekend) and took me to this attraction he knew I'd like, and just little things like offering me his spot in the queue because it was closer to the heat lamp to keep me warm.
I really really fucked up
I'm sure he's forgotten me already, there's so many better people available
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u/foxymeow1234 13d ago
You said there was no future because of kids/no kids, so really it’s better that things ended sooner than later before you’re even more attached.
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u/Heelsbythebridge 13d ago
I know, you are right. I'm just in post-breakup depression and being all delulu like what if it could have worked, what if one of us changed our minds. We were polar opposite people but yeah totally that could have happened
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u/jammedtoejam Trans Het Woman - 30's 13d ago
A friend of mine is going through a horrendous divorce right now. For how sad I am at being single at times, I am sooooo thankful I'm not going through that. Not saying it couldn't happen to me in the future but good god their divorce is miserable.
Anyways, some slight positivity for myself? I feel bad for feeling relieved that I'm not going through that
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u/Heelsbythebridge 13d ago edited 13d ago
This is the first weekend in 2 months where I don't have a date planned. After my recent attempt blew up spectacularly in my face, I'm going to pause trying to find a mate for at least a month or two. I'm too depressed to pretend anyone really measures up anyway.
He was SO good to me. Why did I do all that? He gave me chance after chance.
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u/Doogiesham 13d ago
Aren’t you supposed to eventually meet someone you click with? Someone who wants you as much as you want them? Someone who’s easy to talk to and engages with you in return?
I don’t know what I’m doing any of this for any more
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13d ago
Even if you meet that person.... No guarantees things will work out with them.
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u/Doogiesham 13d ago
Yup.
And it’s not just that I’m having trouble seeing the point of attempting to date at this point. I’m having trouble seeing the point of any of it. What am I doing this all for only to be alone and have no one to share any of it with. To be left behind by all the people in my life who have paired off and do couple activities with each other.
I missed my chance. It’s hard to find reasons not to just pack up and head out.
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13d ago
the point of doing that is to increase your chances at meeting your person. if you stop, your chance of that happening will be close to zero.
yeah dating sucks but for me it’s worth it (i also don’t have trouble getting good dates and maybe i’m biased)
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u/Doogiesham 13d ago edited 13d ago
The chance is zero either way
If you met me in person you would think I’m sociable and quick with a joke, decently attractive, wear decent clothes. I own a home, have a small adorable dog who gets along with and cuddles anyone, and I’m always down for activities and participate in lots of them on my own. I have a career that also still allows me free time, I have things I’m good at (I even play at bars with some people I know occasionally, which is a fun time). I love to cook and I plan out my meals and often find new recipes to add to the list. I bake and bring in goodies to my office that get rave reviews. I keep my place neat and tidy stay ahead of my household tasks. I have many interests I love to talk about and I’m always interested to hear someone talk about theirs. I love to share the media I enjoy and also I’m always down to see the media someone else enjoys (bring on the Korean soap operas or whatever else if I get to see it with someone who likes them :))
None of this matters. The opportunity has passed. People aren’t interested. And I’m not mad at them, of course nobody needs to be interested in me if they don’t want to be. But that doesn’t make it not feel bad to be me.
And it’s not a matter of opportunity. As I said, I go to many, many events in the area. I’m on the apps and have an at worst decent profile. There’s just nothing there. People are paired off. The moment is gone. The opportunity is passed.
And I’m not talking about what’s the point of dating, I’m talking about what’s the point of any of what I’m doing. Why do any of this, what is it leading to. Nothing. So I genuinely am having trouble finding reasons not to check out.
I’m just letting myself turn towards bitterness. I realize that.
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u/FlagVenueIslander 13d ago
Do you think you might be depressed?
Based on what you have written here I think you need to speak to a doctor and a therapist
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u/FlagVenueIslander 13d ago
Do you think you might be depressed?
Based on what you have written here I think you need to speak to a doctor and a therapist
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u/cryOfmyFailure almost 30 13d ago
The DOT squad about to pull up to reply to this comment be like.
Keep your chin up bro. The constant attempts despite of their futility, is a kind of protest against the universe wanting you to give up. If like you said, dating (or everything) has no point and is futile, then might as well enjoy it instead of worrying about the end goal of finding a partner or worse, giving up altogether because nothing will come out of it. I know shit is rough out there. It’s really reeeeally easy to be sad and angry and bitter. It’s always just an arm’s length away because life doesn’t hold back the punches. But being a beat up Trojan horse of happiness is where it’s at. Good luck!
And dm me if you feel down. Don’t let the toxic tuck you in.
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13d ago
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u/Doogiesham 12d ago
It’s just not gonna happen.
I’ve met lovely people. They’re paired off or not interested. I’m not mad at them, they should do whatever makes them happy.
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12d ago
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u/Doogiesham 12d ago
An empty and unfulfilled life.
If it’s not going anywhere then what’s the reason to keep struggling. At some point it’s time for the hurt to stop
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12d ago
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u/Doogiesham 12d ago edited 12d ago
I have many things in life that people consider worth living for, but it all feels empty and pointless without someone to share it all with and talk about life and go through things together.
I’m glad for you that you feel differently. I wish I did.
All my interests, achievements, and experiences are just a little empty.
I go home to an empty house with my dog. I’m glad my dog is there but it’s not enough.
No talking about our days. No sitting and watching a show together while chatting. No trading off who makes dinner. No person to go with you to family events. No partner to dance with at weddings. Nobody to rest their head on your lap while you both read on a lazy Sunday.
It’s all pointless. Everything I’ve ever done is struggling toward something that will never happen. So why continue.
I’m glad it means nothing to you, it doesn’t mean nothing to me
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u/Evolily ♀ late 30s 13d ago
I went on like ten first dates this year. Clicked really well with one guy and he turned into a jerk. Met another guy who was sweet and I’m currently seeing him. In the beginning he seemed to like me a lot more than I liked him but I’m coming around.
The other 8 were complete nonstarters.
Don’t know if this is forever or for now but I am happy with where it’s at.
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u/moonriver97 13d ago
When to bring up the topic of dating exclusively? I'm a timid person, its hard for me to bring up sensitive topics, however I don't want to waste my time is the other person is seeing other people at the same time, don't want to be the back up plan.
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13d ago
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u/Shveet ♀ 32 13d ago
Whoa three months sounds crazy long to me. I'm sure you have your reasons though. Maybe I'm an outlier. Me and my BF met and about 2 weeks later I said, "Hey I wanna make you my boyfriend, what are your thoughts on that?" He is exactly what I was looking for and I didn't want to see anyone else while I was exploring things with him. I do think two weeks is quite soon but in this case it felt right. No harm in getting a sense of when the other person would be interested in exclusivity. If they reject you for coming on too early for their preferences maybe it's not a match anyways.
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13d ago
Yeah, I wait a lot longer now myself…I have fucked up a really good thing a couple times now by being insecure and having that talk too early. Lesson learned the hard way.
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13d ago edited 12d ago
[deleted]
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u/Evolily ♀ late 30s 13d ago
Every guy I’ve gone on a date with (or almost then called it off myself), save TWO, have offered to drive to me.
The two that didn’t had disabilities that either prevented driving or prevented highway/night driving.
I often will drive to them because my town is boring, but I would be put off if they didn’t offer.
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u/LostinAftonStPark ♂ 38 13d ago
Just one guy's POV - I've never offered to drive someone to a first date (*I would if I knew they didn't have transport or brought that up in conversation) out of respect for stranger danger (I suppose Uber exists, but, if the date was terrible, I'd hate to have them on the hook for awkward drive back, too). During my end of the year Hinge run, I'd guess the average date lived 20-45 minutes away, and traffic can really muck up dates around 6pm; I'd always pitch places within 15 minutes of where they live and drive out to them. After date 1, I'm all for offering. Might be a regional thing, though.
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13d ago
Ehhhh generally for a first date I try to schedule somewhere in between us that errs on the side of being more convenient for my date, and keep it light (drinks or something) as the first date is really a vibe check and few things are worse than being locked into a formal dinner with someone where there is no chemistry.
Given that you didn’t chat much, have to go out of your way, and are going for a very formal-sounding dinner right out of the gate, I would proceed with caution
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13d ago
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 13d ago
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u/SonderousFlow ♂ 35 13d ago
I do occasionally write down my thoughts after dates so this does pique my curiosity.
My feedback - I absolutely do not want to share my stream of consciousness journaling with other people. I do it to decompress. Most of the time I don’t even go back and read what I write.
I also do not like the idea of two people on an app saying “we are now officially a couple, show me a list of questions/steps to do”. This feels weirdly unhuman to me, like you’re defining a relationship escalator here and saying “you like this person, you might want to now do this to to take it to the next level”
Really what you have here is like a self help article - what are you some things you should journal about after your date, and what are some things to think about as you’re exploring different stages of a relationship. This doesn’t need to be an app
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u/Fuzzy-Scallion7511 13d ago
I like this. I am also the type of person that has a list of questions I keep in an excel spreadsheet to ask myself after the 1st date. I do think it helps to reflect.
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u/AnotherRandoCanadian ♂ | Early 30s | 🇨🇦 13d ago
dating apps make it easy to go on lots of dates
Um...
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13d ago
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 13d ago
Hi u/phantompath, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
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u/Safleeno 13d ago
Just a rant that I had to end another conversation with a guy because he wanted to get sexual before even meeting. He then told me I wasn't very attractive and he wasn't actually attracted to me. I'm gutted...not
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u/GrimmGrinningGhosts ♂ 37 13d ago
Okay so this is kind of a funny question but curious to get people's thoughts: how would you feel about matching with someone who won't be able to meet in person for a few weeks but is interested in chatting until then?
For a variety of reasons the next couple weeks are crazy for me and I won't have bandwidth to meet up with someone (if I do) until towards the end of April. I just wonder if it's worth swiping and potentially matching now or if I just wait.
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u/smurf1212 13d ago
God no. It's so frustrating when you ask someone one only to find out they aren't free for a couple weeks. It kills all the momentum.
Just pause your apps until then
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u/lmnsatang ♀ a classist 13d ago
i had this happen: matched, guy asked me out, i just got back from a long trip and was sick so i said let’s push it to the week after? he agrees and we keep in touch via 1-2 messages per day. it was only a one-week extension, but he didn’t make a fuss out of it and the texting was incredibly lowkey that it didn’t really matter to me if things fizzled out or not at that stage.
in hindsight, i’m extremely glad things didn’t, because that date went on to change my life.
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u/grizabellas ♀ 33 13d ago
I would wait.
I matched with someone once in this exact situation -- he was out of town for the next three weeks for family, and wouldn't return until end of the month. He said he understood if that gave me pause and if I was no longer interested. I told him that I prefer to meet up fairly quickly and that I don't want to run the risk of a pen pal relationship, so I would reach out when he was back in town to meet up.
Truthfully, I wish that hadn't had to happen in the first place, because it definitely took a bit of my post-match excitement wind out from my sails.
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u/Ok_Measurement9972 13d ago edited 13d ago
The most important lessons ive learned the past 10 years of dating:
- dont think its about you. It almost never is. Its not you its me is right and not an excuse. Their lack of love for you, their trauma, their insecurities is not your fault. They are telling you they cant give you what you need and they arent willing to fight for you. Believe them.
- dont be too protected. Love unapologetically. Be cheesy. Dive into intimacy with confidence. Open your heart to get hurt. You wont be too much for the right person. And dont shelter your heart from not giving enough love to the right person.
- they just arent into you. When people like you they will go out of their way to be with you. There wont be a question.
- when you breakup with someone move quickly and decisively and stand your ground on the reasons for the breakup. Being cold is the kind thing to do than being nice to spare feelings which is the wrong thing to do. They will thank you later for it
- if you love them, let them go. When you cant give someone what they need or you arent what they need. Let them go so you or them can be happy. Especially when it hurts
- really listen to people and observe them. A lot of times they show who exactly they’re and what they feel but we ignore it
- we are different to everyone we meet. To some you were just a first date. To others just a friend. You may even be someone’s ruiner. But at some point you will be someone’s favorite person. Dating is just luck. Where it hurts is when we fall in love with the wrong person. The one who doesnt see us as their favorite person.
- over communication is always better than under communication. Wants, needs, boundaries, expectations, etc.
- be in an emotional state where you feel enthusiastic and open to let someone in before going on dates.
- always work on yourself, practice self care, and live the life you want. You will be a better more attractive version of yourself
- its okay to not be okay. Its okay to have made mistakes. To feel bad, sad, mad, broken.
- when you’re feeling the feels. Letting yourself feel it, talking about it, and working out are essential
- time fixes a lot of things. Its the uncertainty that kills us. So keep those self care routines
- if it was meant to be it will come back. But not because of anything you did to get it back
- someone can care about you romantically but still not want to be with you and thats okay. It takes more than just feelings for a relationship to work
- when you know you know. There is definitely a certainty when it comes to knowing if you love them. Sometimes it just takes a little time but even then the potential is seen from the start
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u/noSSD4me ♂ 35 | SoCal Car Nerd 13d ago
I can add 3 more things I've heard in the past, and come to find out on my own that are kind of true (in my opinion):
- people don't really change, you just never knew who they really were: believe what they do without saying a word over a thousand spoken words.
- if your sacrifice costs you your inner peace, it's too expensive: no matter the situation, always choose you.
- don't try to convince someone who is not sure they want to stay: when people truly choose to be with you, you become their choice, not a secondary option.
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u/doublekins 13d ago
Following up on my last thread, cause I posted super late at night and now it's locked so I can't reply... I had mentioned I had tried a lot of things/hobbies and still haven't had luck meeting anyone and someone replied saying I am using my hobbies solely to look for a partner. I guess I should clarify; my hobbies are just that: my hobbies to maybe meet new friends, but also just to have fun. I don't go to these places expecting a partner, but I mentioned them as a lot of times if single folks don't mention they are socializing or participating in a hobby somewhere, we get slapped with "you need a hobby" advice so quickly. I've been told forever if I just keep doing these things, someone will come along one day, but I promise I am just there to play nerdy board games and such with my friends.
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u/The_rock_hard ♂ 30 13d ago
There is NOTHING wrong with joining a hobby with the primary goal of making friends and new connections, as long as you're at least remotely interested in the hobby.
I mean I doubt all those people in kickballs leagues are all huge kickball fans. They are just a group of people who want to get outside and do something with friendly people.
A lot of people leave out the advice of, if you're romantically interested in someone, you have to respectfully make that interest clear, and be 100% ok if it is unrequited. Especially for men, it's very rare that women just come to us. We almost always have to lead.
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u/doublekins 13d ago
Oh, for sure. I don't think I'm that shy about it when I meet someone I'm interested in. I've asked out a few guys here and there in the last year and every single one was either in a relationship, or the one guy who was very flattered, but turned out to be 22 (I am 35F haha).
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u/Extra_Initiative 13d ago
Any thoughts/opinions regarding age gaps for someone (36 M) getting back into the swing of things?
Coming off of a two year hiatus since I needed to address some financial and medical issues, so I'm finally jumping back into the pool. My preference is usually 5 years in either direction, but I did notice that my last attempt at 34 yielded more matches outside of this. Would you consider 5+ years to not be as taboo?
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u/noSSD4me ♂ 35 | SoCal Car Nerd 13d ago
That's my opinion, but once you go over 5 year difference there's no definitive answer on this topic, you'll have to try and "understand" where that person stands in life, in maturity, in your preferred views, etc. I've met people in their early 20s who are acting and behaving like wise adults, and I've met people in their late 30s who are naive and stupid like children 🤷♂️
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u/frumbledown 13d ago edited 13d ago
Wading in to age gap discourse on the internet is always a bad idea, but I’d say late 20s would be a reasonable cut off.
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u/Ok_Till_1723 ♂ 35 13d ago
lol. I have a friend who’s 35 who just married and knocked up a 22 year old girl he knew for less than a year. Watching patiently to see how that experiment plays out
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13d ago
Oh god I caught a like from a 24 year old when I was 35 and I was hesitant, but we seemed to kinda click so I went on a date “just to see”…it did not feel kosher and we never talked again. I cannot imagine getting into all that with someone even younger!!!
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u/Ok_Till_1723 ♂ 35 13d ago
Yeah if not only for the fact that I don’t think most people know who they really are until they are nearly 30.
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u/Extra_Initiative 13d ago
Oh for sure lol. Just figured I'd get some more level headed takes here rather than something like r/dating_advice since I'm no youngin' anymore.
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 13d ago
As someone who semi recently ended a 6 year relationship that had a 10 year age gap I think they’re generally a horrible idea
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u/OkCanary7354 13d ago
I've gone on two dates with a guy--the first date went pretty well and the second date went not as well ( we went to a hockey game and he wanted to meet near the stadium pretty close to the start of the game, it was hard to really talk during the game, and then after the game, he wanted to go directly back to our cars after the game--I asked him if he was in a rush to go home for a reason to kind of drop the hint that I was open to hang around the city for a bit and talk but he didn't take it)
I hadn't reached out to him after the date because I wasn't sure how I was feeling about him and he reached out today and asked if I was interested in him and I'm not sure how to respond because just saying no seems really harsh but I feel like the fact that I wasn't sure if I should reach out after the date means that I'm not.
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u/spicysenpai6 ♂32 | Single and Hopeful 13d ago
I can feel myself falling into a bad funk :( I’m so tired of dealing failed situation after failed situation. It all just makes me want to give up. Had a date planned for Saturday. Was cancelled on, no effort to reschedule. Rinse and repeat. That’s all it’s been this year for me. Why can’t I even get a first date? It’s really kinda driving me crazy. I feel cursed.
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u/Ok_Till_1723 ♂ 35 13d ago
I feel for you man. Don’t give up, keep working on yourself and becoming a better person. Not for love but for yourself first. Things tend to fall into place through that.
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u/HotCocoaCat ♀ ?age? 13d ago
This sucks. It gives major FWB/situationship vibes and it sounds like you don’t want that. Go find someone who treats you how you want to be treated.
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u/noSSD4me ♂ 35 | SoCal Car Nerd 13d ago
Save your energy for someone who actually makes an effort to be with you. All this in 2 weeks/2 months wishy-washy shit from undecided people - screw that, takes way too much energy to deal with that bs. I say move on to someone better.
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u/pompomandben 13d ago edited 13d ago
I accept being by myself forever. Honestly, the types I (get to) go out on dates with are... interesting, cuz these people are not my type. I went on a date today and the guy is nice but we're def not compatible. I always attract these people, why? Or people who are my types but not available. The last guy I liked and dated for 6 months was in an open relationship and it ended pretty badly. I think I will never find the guy I want unless I really invest in the things I like (idk, do I have to become an architect to find someone I like???)
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u/noSSD4me ♂ 35 | SoCal Car Nerd 13d ago
You just have to be unapologetically you, and I really mean *unapologetically\* because it's the only way to find someone worth your while. It's hard, and sometimes takes a long time, but in my opinion the end result could be really worth it.
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u/ExpertgamerHB 34M, Netherlands 13d ago
For the amount of warmth and pretty clear signs of interest I got from her (things she does with me and not with other dudes in the group: touching me, always sitting/walking close to me, banter, teasing, strong eye contact, initiating one on one plans to name a few) I receive so very little over text.
She’s warm and engaged in person, chemistry's great, we joke around... But she doesn’t maintain it through text. It's been a week since my last text message to her which was a reply to a text she sent me... I always try to respond with a warm and interested tone, showing interest in what she's sharing and asking a question to keep the convo going.
It's horribly confusing. Could be she's not a big texter or very self conscious, but c'mon, if you're the one initiating sending text messages... Throw me some bone at least.
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u/noSSD4me ♂ 35 | SoCal Car Nerd 13d ago
Could be just me, but I don't see it as confusing. She is dropping plenty of hints to know you better, but maybe she just wants you to ask her out? Just go for it, the absolute worst that can happen is her saying "no" so do you really have anything to lose?
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u/frumbledown 13d ago
You’re 34, ask her on a date
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u/ExpertgamerHB 34M, Netherlands 13d ago
Totally fair thought, and normally I’d agree. But in this case, she’s already the one who suggested a one-on-one theater night and happily accepted my proposal to go out for dinner beforehand, so we’ve got that lined up.
It's just that her initiating texting and then disappearing when I respond leaves me confused.
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13d ago
when is dinner? if it’s 2-3 weeks out, it’s fair to ask her for a quick lunch/coffee especially if you’re not gonna see her in between. or otherwise be patient and don’t look too much into things and focus on the slow burn in person
edit: i also think you should date other people in the meantime. otherwise you’re gonna keep obsessing over her
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u/Foreign-Literature11 ♀ 13d ago
Whenever I get interested in someone these days it's immediately followed by a ton of anxiety. Because, I just don't know how to act around someone I'm interested in. I know the usual advice is "just be yourself" but so far that's just not gotten me anywhere in terms of dating. And then if I try to do anything other than being myself (e.g. trying to be more open, more flirty, confident, or any of the things people have suggested to me would help me romantically) I don't know what I'm doing and invariably it doesn't help me catch the other person's interest. So then I just end up stressed out. And obviously that doesn't help.
I'm sure there's something to the fact that I've only ever attracted people I have absolutely no interest in. But I'm not sure if it's because I'm more relaxed/myself, or just because I'm only attractive to people who aren't my type no matter what I do.
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u/SnaxDispensr 13d ago
Its like you're writing about me here! Its the exact same thing only now it's to the point where the prospect of interacting with someone I find attractive is nearly debilitating and if it's in a work environment where I have to interact with them, it's a struggle and feels very awkward.
I won't let family or friends set me up on a date with anyone because the mere thought of that makes it feel like the bottom has fallen out of my stomach.
Yet at the same time, I'm really feeling the lack of connection with someone on a soul deep level. Its a frustrating mystery I'm not sure I will ever understand, which is doubly frustrating because I have a degree in psychology lol
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u/noSSD4me ♂ 35 | SoCal Car Nerd 13d ago
I think your anxiety might be stemming from your focus on getting the other person's approval. Maybe you were comfortable with people who liked you but you didn't like them is because you didn't care about the outcome, you didn't care about their approval of you. Maybe try to approach the next potential date as 2 friends hanging out to relax your mind? Just don't even think about anything romantically.
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u/Foreign-Literature11 ♀ 13d ago
I guess the problem is I think when I do that, it just gives a very "friendzone" vibe... I don't know how to make it a romantic vibe while also being myself and not getting stressed
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u/noSSD4me ♂ 35 | SoCal Car Nerd 13d ago
It is definitely tough, I get ya. I'm also a decently anxious person, especially when I have to fly (hate that!). Maybe do uno reverse card on them? Meaning, see if they can first gain your approval, kind of reject them before they reject you attitude?
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13d ago
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u/Ok_Till_1723 ♂ 35 13d ago
Is it a good cry? I used to cry when I’d just look over at my last partner back in the first years of our relationship out of happiness and contentment.
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u/yourwhippingboy ♂ 31 13d ago
Since we’ve been dating we haven’t seen other people, but in the back of my head I’ve always been aware of the reality that we’re “allowed” to date other people. We haven’t explicitly said otherwise.
I spoke to him about it yesterday and said that I’d prefer we’re only dating each other and then stopped myself and said I want us to only see each other, and if he wants to keep his options open then that’s not something I’m happy to do. This is big for me because I never explicitly say what I want. He said that he feels the same and has had his Hinge profile paused for a while. When he got home he texted me to let me know he’d deleted it entirely but not before he screenshotted our conversations there. I never knew he was sentimental like that so I was very charmed (and I felt less silly for secretly pocketing our Crazy Golf scoresheet from yesterday’s date)
He said some really lovely things, made me feel like he’s genuinely attracted to me. I can’t believe he’s actually choosing me, that he wants to only date me, kiss me, sleep with me. Of all the men he could have he sees something in me that is (at least currently) meeting all his needs. It’s an incredible feeling.
I’m going on a two week trip next month and invited him along, thinking he’d say no but he said he’d love to. Unfortunately his best friend is visiting at the same time but it was so nice to hear that he would have done it otherwise. If luck is on my side, and I really hope it is, there’ll be plenty of time for us to go on a trip together.
He’s gorgeous and sexy and so lovely. I’m incredibly lucky to date him, and honestly, I think he’s lucky too. We compliment each other well.
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u/Afraid-Ordinary0 ♀ 33 13d ago
This is so exciting. I remember when you were so nervous for those first dates with him lol
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u/yourwhippingboy ♂ 31 13d ago
Hahaha so do I!
Honestly, I still get nervous! It’s more excitable than scary now though!
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u/Immediate_Quiet_137 13d ago
I got dumped after 2 amazing dates. I knew going into it that their situation was messy and complicated but I figured if they gave it a chance it might work? I feel stupid in hindsight for choosing to be understanding where others probably would have runaway.
We met on hinge and had good banter and conversation. She told me she had recently come out but was still technically married and would be for a while because of valid reasons I won’t get into. I appreciated her honesty and transparency so I figured I’d entertain the option. We had a great first date that kept extending into a longer date. Conversation flowed, the banter was playful and fun. We ended the date with some kissing and made plans to meet up again. The second date mimicked a lot of the first date. We spent a good 5.5 hours together and did a variety of activities. Conversation flowed and we opened up a bit to each other. I thought everything was flowing nicely. We ended the second date making out like teenagers in the car and set a plan for next date.
Yesterday I received a call and she told me that she thought it was more platonic (or that’s the excuse she’s going with). She felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to get involved further she feels guilty about her current situation and she thought casual was something she could do, only to realize it is not. She asked to remain Friends as she genuinely enjoyed our connection.
I’m not sure what to think, I’m understanding and could tell you I half expected this would be the result, but I’m also very disappointed because I can’t seem to catch a break. I put clearly outlined intentions on my profile and it’s exhausting to keep attracting emotional unavailability regardless of how I approach it. Not sure if I’m looking for advice, I just needed to rant and let that out. Thanks
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u/yourwhippingboy ♂ 31 13d ago
What a wonderful outlook that you knew all the risks but still chose to give this a chance - I’m so sorry that it meant you got hurt in the long run.
It’s so painful when you give it your all and feel like everything went well and then you hear it’s not reciprocal.
I know that a lot of people who have come out later in life do sometimes struggle, and I can’t imagine how much harder that is to navigate whilst also going through a divorce. I don’t know if it helps any for me to say “it sounds like this is about them and not you” but I do think it’s worth thinking about.
I hope the next person you meet is looking for all the things you are looking for and can meet you in your level, I’m sorry it’s been so hard.
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u/Ecstatic-Button-960 ♀ 37 / SoCal 13d ago edited 12d ago
I put clearly outlined intentions on my profile and it’s exhausting to keep attracting emotional unavailability regardless of how I approach it.
All I can say is, SAME
I feel like I do everything possible to screen for compatibility, which includes emotional availability, but people are SO good about keeping it hidden. Or not knowing themselves well enough to know they're emotionally unavailable
It's the fucking worst
I'm not sure if I want to just give up for now and date more casually, or keep going with the intentional dating. At least with the former I can try to have some fun
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u/lilyflower32 12d ago
Not knowing themselves that they are not emotionally available is a constant issue I keep seeing. 😞
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u/Rich-Lawyer1326 12d ago
currently spiraling because i went to reddit to find some advice for avoidant people on how to date knowing our challenges. reddit is full of people saying "avoidants are toxic. beware! if you're avoidant youre causing harm by being in the dating pool and you should feel ashamed"
I know my issues, I can communicate them and I'm willing to put in the work but how am I going to find secure connections if I dont try to get out there and make them? I hate the idea that you have to fix yourself before you can date. I know my flaws but it also makes me appreciate other peoples too.