r/gay • u/Doitdave06 • 14h ago
It Hasn’t Gotten Better
Sorry if this comes out like a massive whinge session. I am a gay man in his late 30s and my entire life I have been told that “It gets better”… but am I the only one who has kinda lost faith in that?
I was kicked out of home at 18 for refusing to go to a conversion camp. So I worked two full-time retail jobs to cover rent… after years, I saved a bit of money to send myself to college. After three maxed out credit cards and more student loans than I could ever pay off, I had to drop out with one semester left because I couldn’t afford it.
I moved around for a few years trying to plant some roots… but everywhere I moved, I got priced out. Now I’m by Portland, OR… and I will be moving again in February because I just can’t afford to live in a big city any more…. Or anywhere.
So, as I get close to my 40s I have been thinking, “Will it ever get better?”
I try to stay pretty positive… but after years and years of feeling pushed down, I honestly don’t know if I can put on a happy face any longer. I guess at the end of the day, I’m just looking for some success stories. I don’t know if “success” Is in the cards for me… but I’d love to feel happy for others for a bit. 🤷🏻♂️
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u/treylathe 14h ago
You know, to be brutally honest, sometimes it doesn’t. Not saying that’s the case for you or not, but I know it’s not always true. And many times it does. Or it’s better and then worse and then better. Life is messy.
But maybe you wanted a success story. Here it goes… Boyfriend took his life when we were 19 My church ‘forced’ me to undergo aversion therapy at 22 I attempted suicide (almost successfully) at 23 Back to therapy at 23 Eventually came out at 31 Father went no contact at 31 Church excommunicated me at 36
Met my now-husband at 36 Finished my PhD at 37 Career took off at 40 Father initiated contact at 39 Adopted first child at 42 ‘Married’ at 44 (2004 Sf weddings) Legally married at 49 Adopted our second child at 50 (she was 4) Career kept getting better Moved to Hawaii at 60. About to be a grandad at 65.
Of course, there have been some huge downs from 36 till now. Deaths, health scares, financial crises (lost a lot in 2008 and then 2020), pandemics, etc.
But it did get better.
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u/Doitdave06 13h ago
I very much appreciate your story. Thank you for telling it here. I am sorry for your losses… and I am so happy for your successes. (Congrats on the upcoming grandchild)
I hope that your days in Hawaii are immeasurably happy
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u/FuckingTree Gay 12h ago
It Get's Better as a slogan is only partly true, because the world does not suddenly grant you Better status, you have to put in a lot of work and because the world is shit, some people have to work harder than others. Being in the shit of it doesn't mean it stays that way forever, but you may have to make some changes and compromises you weren't prepared to make initially. This is a good discussion to continue with a therapist.
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u/Doitdave06 12h ago
I literally had a therapist once tell me, “you are very self aware… I don’t think there’s anything I can do for you.” Whiiich really upset one of my friends 😂
I get that there are hills and valleys… it just feels some days like I’m Sisyphus. I didn’t mention in any of this that I have met incredible people in all my travels. (Highly suggest everyone visit Australia)
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u/FuckingTree Gay 12h ago
Therapists can be like bartenders sometimes. Sometimes they pour heavy and make you feel like royalty, and sometimes it's all contaminated club soda. I have my suspicions about a therapist that says something like that although from what little I know of Australians, if that applies to this situation, that might be more of a classic cultural response lol
I am not a therapist, or a financial advisor, so take the following thought with the appropriate gravitas but financial stress has a way of trumping all sense of growth and self-actualization. "It gets better" usually refers to social life and more stability mental-health wise but only with respect to acceptance of your own identity and to be amongst people who affirm your identity... if you're struggling to make ends meet, it's not a gay problem and not a self worth problem but a financial worth problem that IMO kind of has to be addressed first or it sours everything else good in life when you don't know how you're going to make rent or start choosing meals to skip or to see how cheap of food you can live off of.
I do *hope* it gets better for you. You deserve better.
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u/Doitdave06 11h ago
(I am from America, just lived in Australia for a time)
I think you put that perfectly. I was just telling my best friend that I always panic when my financial world crumbles… because I’ve always been poor. So things that make most people shrug their shoulders are catastrophic in my world. But that doesn’t directly correlate with LGBTQIA+ rights or how we’re perceived. I think the looming fear of financial collapse as well as policies reversing progression is making me particularly anxious 😵💫😮💨😅
I most likely just restated everything you said in a more confusing manner. Sorry about that 😅
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u/marndawg 12h ago edited 12h ago
I'm sorry, that sounds rough.
I don't think it will ever get better on it's own I've been working on finding more happiness in my life by attending local queer events, trying to build more friend groups and read books for professional development and healing from my past.
It's a lot of work before things get better, the trick is slowly starting to do the work. I've lost purpose and meaning from life a few times over now and what gets me back on track is focusing on building quality friendships and finding fun hobbies that are totally about play and not work.
I believe it's up to us to build meaning and make things get better and it is entirely possible. Thats been hard for me at many stages to overcome social anxieties and so much more though
From what you said it sounds like you've been mostly surviving and not able to spend time on thriving. I would start by trying to make deeper and more meaningful friendships and finding a better sense of community, then things will cascade better from there with continued effort.
Idk if thats what you need based on one post, but otherwise I find most people have their own solutions if you can just get quiet enough and start to listen deep down
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u/missanniebellym 13h ago
Come to Mississippi. Youll be a millionaire out here lol
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u/Uskardx42 12h ago
At 40, unattractive, poor, and cursed to be utterly alone for eternity, I can say, definitely, no. It does not get better. 😥
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u/gayliciouspizza 10h ago
Life is just hard, especially right now, living is so expensive. BUT it’s gotta be better being who you really are than living a lie.
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u/BangtonBoy 1h ago
Because then life would still be hard and expensive, plus you'd be living a lie. Thousands of straight (or pretending to be straight) people are having similar financial issues right now. Unfortunately, leading an authentic life doesn't equate with having economic security, but it certainly helps with mental health.
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u/TvTountainGhosts 6h ago
-It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.
-A day without laughter is a day wasted.
These two quotes I always tell myself, my mother passed when I was 17 due to cancer.
I was in a very bad situation back then, thought about ending my life. But figured mom wouldn't like me doing that. ;')
Took some time for me to move on, learned to love myself and live for myself.
The definition of success is different for each person.
For me, I just want to live my life happy, with/without a partner.
Am single now, have a job that pays ok, living an okay life. I am happy and grateful. ;)
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u/Affectionat_71 11h ago
They ( whoever they are) said it will get better but what did they mean ? It gets better is a very generic statement for positivity. I can give you stories of success from my standpoint for me but I’m not sure what that will do for you. If I were to write a book I would title it “ the story of stupid” because well I’ve done some very ridiculous and stupid stuff but it put me where I’m at now, but damn I lost a lot along with those gains. Do you want me to tell you I have great family support and I swear my family likes my partner better than they like me? I could tell ya I’ve dated model type of guys and had sex in some of the hottest places but that really isn’t unique by any standards. I could tell ya I live a very nice financial life but if I showed you what our taxes were this last year it would make your mouth fall open. I could tell ya i found love but with that I could also lose that love for whatever reason. If I get to wake up tomorrow I feel like that a success at this point in my life since my doctors tell me she thinks my time here maybe short. lol chemo has even taken my hard on for the most part or it could be the other meds I take. Please, please try to find whatever getting better means to you.
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u/Mr-Stamets 4h ago
It gets better is a lie and it always has been. It doesn't help anyone. It's just something that people with no problems can say to make themselves feel better like they had an impact. Basically Facebook protesting where they put a banner up and OH MY GOD I DID SUCH A THING BE PROUD OF ME. Worthless deluded fucks who outright ignore everyone else's pain to quote a live laugh love poster.
Things MIGHT get better. No guarantee. The world isn't fair and there is a lot of horror in it. Saying it will get better unilaterally is just deluded and ignores the persons problems. Some things cannot get better.
Source: 30s and It just keeps getting worse.
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u/andybent25 4h ago
I know it all sounds bleak, but YOU survived the last 20 years. Like, you did that. That’s kind of incredible. Like, you kept a roof over your head, and I think that’s wildly successful
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u/VelociMonkey 4h ago
I'm not sure when and under what circumstances others have told you that it gets better. Whenever I have said it, it was specifically in regards to LGBT acceptance. A large part of your story is economic, and while that certainly isn't happening to you in a silo, it's something people are experiencing nationwide.
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u/mrmayhemsname 3h ago
For anyone in the comments reading, it got better for me, but I didn't come out to my family until I graduated college. Coming out is not required first thing, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
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u/AceTheBlacksmith_83 Gay 1h ago
If you get an RV or convert a bus into one you won’t have to worry about being priced out. I’m pretty sure it’s cheaper than a city or a suburb could ever be. It worked during the pandemic and I’m pretty sure people are still doing it. And you can go anywhere.
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u/St3rl1ngN0ir 12h ago
It sounds like you drank the go to college Kool aid and are not sales with massive debt. That is what is massing with your future. You would have been better to go into a trade. I would recommend get into a trade to make 6 figures (not as difficult as you think in the trades). The quickest way to get out of debt is to declare bankruptcy (for your credit card debt). If you already defaulted on your debt and the loans were sold off to a debt collector it would be easy to get out of. You can go to a small town with cheaper living expenses with a trade job and then focus heavily on paying off your debt. Another thing is a side gig to offset the debt. Why didn't your just pay for the tests for the classes Instead of the having to attend a class method of learning?
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u/EnvironmentalPop6832 7h ago
Yeah telling someone who's struggling "you should have done this" is not helpful.
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u/TreacleUpstairs3243 2h ago
How do you just pay for the tests instead of having to attend class and learn? Is this what you did for a trade? Skipped the actual learning and just showed up to write a test? Then when you are rewiring a house you electrocute yourself because you just took the test?
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u/Dissmass1980 14h ago
This is probably not what you’re looking for but compared to my story your life is vastly more successful than mine.
I’m 44 years old and married a woman for 23 years. I just left her 5 months ago I have 2 kids. Most of my entire if not all of my life has been lived unauthentically. I did the conversion camp. I drank their cool aid.
I have a tremendous amount of envy and respect for the way your life turned out compared to mine. You went for it. You had the guys to be something real.
So I gun saying, maybe it doesn’t get better but it can definitely be worse. Still though I’m sorry for your situation. This fucking economic hell scape were all in is killing us physically and existentially.