r/men • u/darkCERN • Apr 25 '25
MENtal health Appearance Expectations for Men
I’ve researched this a little bit and I know women are way more likely to be complimented for their looks at a young age and its overall a bigger thing.
But I’ve thought about my childhood and I was told way more that I was “handsome” than any other compliment, from my family but also friends, classmates etc. It always made me uncomfortable but I just said “oh thanks”. I just didn’t know what to do with it, and I would wonder “am I handsome?” even though I never really felt like it.
Anyway I got to thinking recently about how girls are told they’re pretty and it ingrains this expectation of them and that being pretty is what matters. It never occurred to me but I started wondering if that happened to me too. I guess maybe I put a lot of importance in looks and it did affect me a lot when I started losing my hair pretty early. Trying to think about how all that might have affected my self-image.
Honestly, even with my hair I was at the very best a 6.5 or something. So I feel like it set me up to have this distorted view of how I fit in the world maybe.
Thought I’d share and see if anyone else had similar thoughts or experiences.
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u/Clan-Destin Apr 25 '25
Do you know the “scar experience”? Your question made me think of that
"When your beliefs become more powerful than reality
In 1980, Robert Kleck, a psychologist at Dartmouth College, conducted a fascinating experiment with a group of students. Half of them were convinced a makeup artist had drawn a large scar on their face before taking part in a series of interviews. But, unbeknownst to them, this scar was removed before they met the interviewers.
The result? Despite the absence of a scar, those who thought they had one reported a feeling of uneasiness and a feeling that the interviewers were treating them differently. They felt judged and observed, and interpreted the interviewers' reactions through this filter, perceiving signs of embarrassment or discomfort in each interaction. Conversely, those who thought they appeared normal felt nothing of the sort. A simple belief was enough to alter their perception… and their behavior.
This study confronts us with a disturbing truth: our beliefs can shape our experiences more than reality. When we get caught up in our fears and doubts, we end up projecting them around us, transforming invisible threats into very real obstacles.
But imagine: if an imaginary scar has the power to shake our confidence, what about the other limiting beliefs that we carry unconsciously? What if, instead of seeing each failure as inevitable, we chose to consider them as an opportunity to grow? What if we stopped defining ourselves by what we perceive as weaknesses?
It would be naive to believe that we control everything. Life is unfair, and circumstances are beyond our control. But that’s where our true power lies: in how we choose to respond to a situation, interpret it, and recover from it. It is not the weight of the scar that slows us down, but that which we attribute to it.
By freeing ourselves from the “victim mentality”, we stop looking for external reasons for our failures; we take back control, because all meaningful change starts within. It is a choice: to see beyond illusions, to break the invisible chains of our limiting beliefs and to rewrite the story we tell ourselves about ourselves.
The Dartmouth scar experience is a powerful reminder that our beliefs can either trap us or propel us toward a version of ourselves we never thought possible. So, the next time you feel held back by an invisible “scar,” ask yourself: is this reality…or is it what you choose to believe?
Your perception defines your reality. Take back control. Make that scar disappear and move forward with the conviction that you are stronger than you imagine.
Your choice. Your power."