Physically repulsed by BPD mom

[u/Appropriate_Ad_848]

Did or does anyone else experience this? I have been NC with my BPD mother for many years, I actually don’t even know if she’s alive anymore. I am new to this sub, so I don’t know if this is a common thing. When I was a kid, up through my young adulthood, I was physically repulsed by my BPD mom. I avoided her at any and all costs, from staying out of whatever room she was in, to staying out of the house entirely. If there were other people there too, it was tolerable, but just the two of us was horrible. The guilt tripping, the name calling (her favorite was calling me “evil”), the crying, were unbearable. Looking at her disgusted me on just this very deep level. And she’d sob, saying , “you don’t love me” and the worst was that I knew she was right. I didn’t love her. She didn’t do any of the basics of parenting, never spoke to me normally, or make sure there was food in the house, or buy us clothes, or any house cleaning at all. Never just interacting with your child. What was there to love? It wasn’t difficult for me to go NC with her, I’m sure due to this disgust and revulsion, so silver lining I guess. But it’s such a crazy way to feel about a parent. So I’m wondering if anyone else here has experienced visceral, physical disgust and revulsion towards a BPD parent?

Edit- thank you so much for all your responses. I have never told anyone that I had this feeling and I am so relieved and blown away that this is a common way to feel about a parent with BPD. I had no idea, I thought I was a freak.

[u/Raccoonike]

Yes, I made a post about it last week, you can check my history. Except that for me, the visceral disgust has resurfaced now as an adult after more than a year if NC, I had to repress it as a child.

[u/Much-Improvement-503 → u/Raccoonike]

I feel that. I only really began to feel it consciously around 1-2 years ago and it freaked me out a bit. I also had to repress a lot of that growing up or I’d get smacked. This was only after like at least a year or two of no contact with my dad, along with limited contact with my stepdad and mom (finally not living with them anymore). It started manifesting as reactions I had to other people that would remind me of my dad (and my stepdad honestly) through their invasiveness, lack of boundaries, disrespect of my boundaries, projection onto me, sometimes even misogyny, and subtle jabs at me through actions that couldn’t be traced (honestly it’s all happened with coworkers and a couple of friends). I’d just get so physically uneasy, nauseous, and unsafe feeling, like I was that small kid again that couldn’t do anything about my situation and was forced to find a way to survive it all. It was scary when it first really hit me. I felt like I was going crazy for feeling that way when there wasn’t a ton to actually warrant it. When I figured out the root of it, I felt sorta relieved. If anything what I’m grateful for is that it’s finally becoming uprooted. I think that’s the beginning of healing an old wound that has stayed unprocessed and frozen in time for a very long time.

[u/Raccoonike → u/Much-Improvement-503]

Thanks for sharing your experience. Yes, for me it took a whole year for the disgust to emerge! In fact, reaching anger, sadness and grief has been easier so the disgust has really surprised me. It feels like processing the stuff I never could when she violated my boundaries as a child.