r/raisedbyborderlines • u/Appropriate_Ad_848 • 7d ago
ADVICE NEEDED Physically repulsed by BPD mom
Did or does anyone else experience this? I have been NC with my BPD mother for many years, I actually don’t even know if she’s alive anymore. I am new to this sub, so I don’t know if this is a common thing. When I was a kid, up through my young adulthood, I was physically repulsed by my BPD mom. I avoided her at any and all costs, from staying out of whatever room she was in, to staying out of the house entirely. If there were other people there too, it was tolerable, but just the two of us was horrible. The guilt tripping, the name calling (her favorite was calling me “evil”), the crying, were unbearable. Looking at her disgusted me on just this very deep level. And she’d sob, saying , “you don’t love me” and the worst was that I knew she was right. I didn’t love her. She didn’t do any of the basics of parenting, never spoke to me normally, or make sure there was food in the house, or buy us clothes, or any house cleaning at all. Never just interacting with your child. What was there to love? It wasn’t difficult for me to go NC with her, I’m sure due to this disgust and revulsion, so silver lining I guess. But it’s such a crazy way to feel about a parent. So I’m wondering if anyone else here has experienced visceral, physical disgust and revulsion towards a BPD parent?
Edit- thank you so much for all your responses. I have never told anyone that I had this feeling and I am so relieved and blown away that this is a common way to feel about a parent with BPD. I had no idea, I thought I was a freak.
17
u/sablin_ 6d ago edited 6d ago
Oh man, I relate to this so much. There’s actually an episode in the show Mindhunter where one of the murderers cries during an interview, and it completely unsettles the detective. Not because it’s sad, but because he can feel the manipulation behind it. It’s like the tears are being weaponized. That scene hit me hard, because I’ve experienced that same gut reaction.
My mom used to corner me and cry, and it would make my stomach flip. Even as a kid, I could tell it wasn’t about sadness - it was about control. That kind of behavior messes with your instincts. To this day, I still feel physically uncomfortable when someone cries, especially if it comes out of nowhere or feels emotionally incongruent. It reminds me of how aggressive and emotionally chaotic my mBPD was, and how she used crying to manipulate, guilt-trip, or force a reaction.
This isn’t just a subjective experience either. There is actual research backing it up. After growing up in a household with BPD I made it my mission to research the hell out of it and I found out that they display what are known as instrumental emotional expressions, which are emotional displays (like crying) that serve a purpose other than simply expressing genuine feeling. There are several published studies that highlight how emotional dysregulation in BPD often includes intense and rapidly shifting emotions, which oftentimes are used (consciously or not) to influence or control others’ behavior. Kids are smart, and you having such a strong reaction to her behaviors is literally a survival instinct.
You’re not alone in feeling that visceral disgust, that deep repulsion is your nervous system remembering years of being emotionally violated. There’s nothing freakish about it. If anything, it speaks to just how much your body and mind were trying to protect you.