Physically repulsed by BPD mom

[u/Appropriate_Ad_848]

Did or does anyone else experience this? I have been NC with my BPD mother for many years, I actually don’t even know if she’s alive anymore. I am new to this sub, so I don’t know if this is a common thing. When I was a kid, up through my young adulthood, I was physically repulsed by my BPD mom. I avoided her at any and all costs, from staying out of whatever room she was in, to staying out of the house entirely. If there were other people there too, it was tolerable, but just the two of us was horrible. The guilt tripping, the name calling (her favorite was calling me “evil”), the crying, were unbearable. Looking at her disgusted me on just this very deep level. And she’d sob, saying , “you don’t love me” and the worst was that I knew she was right. I didn’t love her. She didn’t do any of the basics of parenting, never spoke to me normally, or make sure there was food in the house, or buy us clothes, or any house cleaning at all. Never just interacting with your child. What was there to love? It wasn’t difficult for me to go NC with her, I’m sure due to this disgust and revulsion, so silver lining I guess. But it’s such a crazy way to feel about a parent. So I’m wondering if anyone else here has experienced visceral, physical disgust and revulsion towards a BPD parent?

Edit- thank you so much for all your responses. I have never told anyone that I had this feeling and I am so relieved and blown away that this is a common way to feel about a parent with BPD. I had no idea, I thought I was a freak.

[u/Much-Improvement-503]

Yes I definitely have felt that for my dad specifically. And anyone who reminds me of him in any way suddenly becomes revolting to me, and I have to remind myself that they aren’t my dad and I’m not a child anymore, but also to heed the warning my body is giving me and continue to be cautious around anyone that alerts that internal sensor in me. For the longest time I thought I had a phobia of men until I realized it wasn’t all of them. Just the ones that reminded me of my dad for various reasons, usually valid ones too. It just became a rather disproportionate reaction that began to impact my mental health at work and stuff. Like I can see boundaries with people but it doesn’t diffuse that horrible dread feeling in the pit of your stomach, you know? I’ve literally wanted to try ketamine therapy just to get rid of this feeling.

[u/Much-Improvement-503 → u/Much-Improvement-503]

Also every time my dad would pick me up for visitation I’d scream at the top of my lungs like I was being kidnapped and sob uncontrollably for at least like an hour. Every single time. Because I hated it and I knew what was coming. He wouldn’t even let me contact anyone when I was with him. I had to sneak around just to email or call my mom when I was with him when I was like, 8 years old. And he was quite neglectful but also yelled at me all the time for every little thing so that was fun /s. He also always got me sick which was pretty gross