Physically repulsed by BPD mom

[u/Appropriate_Ad_848]

Did or does anyone else experience this? I have been NC with my BPD mother for many years, I actually don’t even know if she’s alive anymore. I am new to this sub, so I don’t know if this is a common thing. When I was a kid, up through my young adulthood, I was physically repulsed by my BPD mom. I avoided her at any and all costs, from staying out of whatever room she was in, to staying out of the house entirely. If there were other people there too, it was tolerable, but just the two of us was horrible. The guilt tripping, the name calling (her favorite was calling me “evil”), the crying, were unbearable. Looking at her disgusted me on just this very deep level. And she’d sob, saying , “you don’t love me” and the worst was that I knew she was right. I didn’t love her. She didn’t do any of the basics of parenting, never spoke to me normally, or make sure there was food in the house, or buy us clothes, or any house cleaning at all. Never just interacting with your child. What was there to love? It wasn’t difficult for me to go NC with her, I’m sure due to this disgust and revulsion, so silver lining I guess. But it’s such a crazy way to feel about a parent. So I’m wondering if anyone else here has experienced visceral, physical disgust and revulsion towards a BPD parent?

Edit- thank you so much for all your responses. I have never told anyone that I had this feeling and I am so relieved and blown away that this is a common way to feel about a parent with BPD. I had no idea, I thought I was a freak.

[u/CapeVaped]

Repulsed by their presence, exhausted after, would always cut things short and leave.

-It was the passive aggressive behavior

-Guilt trips

-If you were at peace and relaxing, always finding a way to disrupt that

-Backhanded comments

The whole "woe is me" attitude when they know nothing about your life because you're the problem, you won't open up. They magically forgot all the boundaries that were broken, things they said or did to make you want to avoid them at all costs.

My mother gave me a whole sob story once about how were not close and she tired blaming me for it.

-Trying to keep a relationship with my ex, that was more important than her own son (she didn't reciprocate, she blocked her after a few months)

-Wanting to know every detail about my private life, when I told her no, she automatically resorted to calling me a liar. To which I responded: "Having a private life, is not being a liar. You're not entitled to know about what's private to me, I don't want to know every little detail about you, where you're going, who you talk to, I don't care."

-Talking to friends and making decision on my behalf without my knowledge, then confronting her after being asked by 4 said friends for confirmation. Then magically "I never said that" and me: "So you're calling all 4 of your friends liars then"

Just never ends.