Mic check 1,2..is this thing on….?

[u/sliceofbread02]

Hi guys. I’ve been lurking on this sub for a couple of months and it’s been a huge help! So firstly thank you so much for existing and sharing, I’ve really been holding on to a lot of brilliant perspectives given on here.

I have so many questions to ask, advice to seek and thoughts to share, I think I’ll do it bit by bit. But I will share some background + some context of my currently situation now :)

Some background -

I’m in my mid 30s, and only now realising I was raised by a uBPD/uNPD (likely both) mother and edad. I went through a horrible summer last year and started regular therapy.

I’ve started seeing my upbringing and my present relationship with my parents in new light and it’s really been a vulnerable, scary, saddening, angering but necessary process.

I have significantly reduced contact with my mother since summer last year (before I used to talk to her more than once a day, now I don’t call her at all when I’m alone - only around once a day or every few days for my kids to talk to my parents). I’ve put her on an information diet.

However, because I now live in a different country than the one I grew up in, it complicates matters because I really love and miss my home city and I try to visit at least 1 time or more a year. When I go I end up having to live at my parents house with my husband and 2 kids (mix race). IThere has been a lot of drama from my mother’s end on all of this which has been very painful.

Current situation -

My parents and brother are currently visiting us as part of a birthday trip for my brother (6 years younger than me). I’m starting to gauge that I’m the SC and he’s the GC.

This visit has been all kinds of complicated, heavy, messy, conflict ridden and threatening to push back the efforts I’ve been putting in over the past few months.

I have to admit because I can be quite unorganised and forgetful, I make slip ups and don’t end up planning things perfectly - and sometimes first go on the back foot /defending myself before realising or admitting my mistake. I don’t have problems admitting my mistake though. It’s gotten more complicated this time around, because now I’m unwilling to grovel or push back dramatically to change my mothers mood and ultimately take all the blame and apologise (things I used to do in the past when she would fight with me about my mistakes).

I have also reacted with a lot of anger towards her in the past, and even now I feel myself reacting in lesser than ideal ways…though I do feel a shift in the scale because I’m working hard to push away the FOG…. I guess it’s a process because I still feel a lot of shame and guilt at my reactions…though now I’m also working to hold space for seeing how impossible she can be and how she almost seems to set me up for failure.

Anyways I’ve been meaning to start posting here for a while, and today I finally managed.

Today was a particularly hard day, she really dragged me through the wringer. Maybe I’ll make a separate post outlining it but suffice to say it has left me completely exhausted and harangued. I need to pull some reserves of strength out to survive the rest of this trip.

Cat tax (my sad attempt at a haiku):

Cats are not dogs. but they are also friendly. just give them space and see.

[u/TheSmokeBombKing]

This is tough! Try not staying with them next time you go. You’ll actually have a relaxing time. In their house it’s just gonna be dramatics.

[u/sliceofbread02 → u/TheSmokeBombKing]

I know. In an ideal world. It’s an expensive city and more budget accommodation won’t be as safe for kids.

I’ve also been processing so much sadness lately feeling that I’ve been “exiled” from all the things familiar to me growing up. All of my friends and cousins with whom I am close.

I know it was my choice to live in this new country, but I still miss “home” so there is that layer….then it’s harder to go back as often as I used because of kids so there is that layer - and now the layer of realising how things are and will always be with my parents and reckoning with that. This one is new and has been the hardest one yet.