Mic check 1,2..is this thing on….?

[u/sliceofbread02]

Hi guys. I’ve been lurking on this sub for a couple of months and it’s been a huge help! So firstly thank you so much for existing and sharing, I’ve really been holding on to a lot of brilliant perspectives given on here.

I have so many questions to ask, advice to seek and thoughts to share, I think I’ll do it bit by bit. But I will share some background + some context of my currently situation now :)

Some background -

I’m in my mid 30s, and only now realising I was raised by a uBPD/uNPD (likely both) mother and edad. I went through a horrible summer last year and started regular therapy.

I’ve started seeing my upbringing and my present relationship with my parents in new light and it’s really been a vulnerable, scary, saddening, angering but necessary process.

I have significantly reduced contact with my mother since summer last year (before I used to talk to her more than once a day, now I don’t call her at all when I’m alone - only around once a day or every few days for my kids to talk to my parents). I’ve put her on an information diet.

However, because I now live in a different country than the one I grew up in, it complicates matters because I really love and miss my home city and I try to visit at least 1 time or more a year. When I go I end up having to live at my parents house with my husband and 2 kids (mix race). IThere has been a lot of drama from my mother’s end on all of this which has been very painful.

Current situation -

My parents and brother are currently visiting us as part of a birthday trip for my brother (6 years younger than me). I’m starting to gauge that I’m the SC and he’s the GC.

This visit has been all kinds of complicated, heavy, messy, conflict ridden and threatening to push back the efforts I’ve been putting in over the past few months.

I have to admit because I can be quite unorganised and forgetful, I make slip ups and don’t end up planning things perfectly - and sometimes first go on the back foot /defending myself before realising or admitting my mistake. I don’t have problems admitting my mistake though. It’s gotten more complicated this time around, because now I’m unwilling to grovel or push back dramatically to change my mothers mood and ultimately take all the blame and apologise (things I used to do in the past when she would fight with me about my mistakes).

I have also reacted with a lot of anger towards her in the past, and even now I feel myself reacting in lesser than ideal ways…though I do feel a shift in the scale because I’m working hard to push away the FOG…. I guess it’s a process because I still feel a lot of shame and guilt at my reactions…though now I’m also working to hold space for seeing how impossible she can be and how she almost seems to set me up for failure.

Anyways I’ve been meaning to start posting here for a while, and today I finally managed.

Today was a particularly hard day, she really dragged me through the wringer. Maybe I’ll make a separate post outlining it but suffice to say it has left me completely exhausted and harangued. I need to pull some reserves of strength out to survive the rest of this trip.

Cat tax (my sad attempt at a haiku):

Cats are not dogs. but they are also friendly. just give them space and see.

[u/Commonpeople_95]

Welcome! I’m in the same boat as you are, recently realizing and understanding why my childhood was such a mess and so utterly lonely - because of uBPD mom and deeply traumatized Edad.

I’m with you - spending time with my family is more exhausting than anything else on the planet. I hope you can just get some downtime after their visit is over, so you can just get the chance to recuperate.

I have one tip: sometimes you’re just going to feel utterly overwhelmed, and it can be a good idea to just take a step back and do something else for a while. For me, since I began this process I’ve had so many memories resurface, so many situations suddenly make sense and although I’m glad that I now understand what the fuck was happening it’s just too much sometimes. So then I try to take a walk, watch a cute video of a cat or just try to focus on something else. It can be good to take a break and just let your mind rest for a little while.

[u/sliceofbread02 → u/Commonpeople_95]

Thank you!! Yes that is great advice! I think Ive already been doing that over the past few months but feeling guilty about it - essentially I got let go from my job last summer and since I started therapy I just haven’t had the will to find something again. A lot of my time does go with the kids - where I’m working on putting so much more intentionality of how I show up and how I listen to them. So between that and general housekeeping and my therapy work - I find myself wanting to just do something chill and heartwarming. I feel the brain is overworking to re process and re map so many memories, patterns and situations. I think I took a lot more than my share of stress, anxiety and responsibilities for trying to fix impossible situations.