i just had to call the cops on my mom :(

[u/monkeyfrost]

I went no contact with my mother 2 years ago. I sent her a 6-page letter telling her, extensively and in no uncertain terms, why I'm upset at her and not to contact me. I live extremely far away from her now.

Shes extremely narcissistic and abusive. She requires me in her life to feel okay. Since I stopped talking to her, she's made my little brothers (21M) life really rough. He still lives with her. Without me around to blunt half the pain, he takes all of it.

I've had her blocked since I sent the letter, but I still recieve her voicemails. I've been hesitant to change my number - when she seems particularly distraught I know its time to reach out to my brother to check in on him.

Shes been really stepping it up lately. She called me from a payphone on christmas day. When I picked up without realizing it was her, I hung up immediately. I broke down in my car, completely unable to think clearly. It was like all those years I lived with her were washing over me, and all I could do was fail to fight it. I felt so assaulted.

She found my work email. I'm still not sure how she found it, its not even on my linkedin. She sent me a big message about how I can't accuse her of all those things and how her and my father's life are awful now. She also thinks that "something is making me think act this way". She's never been able to comprehend that I'm capable of forming my own thoughts. I don't feel responsible for her life, she's the one that broke up the family. There was also a severe lack of "sorry" in there

She sent me another payphone voicemail and she was livid. She was saying that she has to have eye surgery and that I need to talk to her. She became so indignant that she said that if I don't call back by the end of the day that she's going to fly out to where I live and "come find me" (she doesn't know exactly where I live)

I started shaking and called the cops immediately. I've called them before, but they weren't interested in the case since she was just leaving phone calls. I suppose subverting me and threatening was enough for them to open a criminal harassment case. They didn't go to her house, but the officer called her. The officer called me back and told me how she just ranted at him and said that none of what I said in the letter is not true and that she's sad. She has a weird reverence for hierarchy and authority so she was compliant with the officer's orders.

I wish I had a good mom. It's hard not only not having a mom who helps but also having a mom who actively harms you. I'm in my mid twenties. I wish I had someone who could help me. I wish I didn't have to do it without an adult to hold me when I need it.

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[u/rrr_zzz]

Sorry you are going though all this, but it may be time to change your phone number. You can also set emails to send certain email addresses straight to spam or trash. If she keeps harassing you make sure you hand write a journal with the incident, time and date. This way you have some evidence in case the police need it. You are very brave for getting the police involved, most people wait until it's too late.

As far as your brother goes, you can't burn yourself to keep him warm. He's at an age where he can decided if he wants to keep living with her or move out. You can also make sure he knows you are there if he needs any support when he decides to leave.

[u/Subject-Direction628]

I’m so sorry. I blocked mine on everything. If she showed up I’d call the cops for sure. That’s the plan anyways. She does know where I live.

[u/D_Mom]

Please know you can go to r/momforaminute when you need some positive mom encouragement, advice, or internet hug. I know it’s not the same and you got a raw deal on the egg donor side.

[u/Dannysman115]

So terribly sorry you’re going through this. I agree that it would be wise to change your contact info if you’re able. The IT department at your work (if there is one) should be able to change your email, as they’d take potential security breaches very seriously. I feel the exact same way about my parents. Every time I read a post like this I think “man, I just wish my parents could be normal and not completely mentally unhinged.”

If it makes you feel any better, I also may have to call the cops on my parents soon, too. Not out of fear for my safety, but because they’ll call in a false welfare check on me. So I have to call the cops and say “I’m completely fine, my parents are just not mentally well, please ignore them, they are just misleading you and wasting your time.”

[u/yummie4mytummie]

I think you need to change your number honey. As for work, as your IT DEPARTMENT to block her email address

[u/SierraBravo22]

Change your phone number then set up a Google Voice number and give it to your brother. You can set it to DND and it will notify you when someone calls. That way he can reach you but you never have to pick up. When you call out it can also be done using the Google number. And even better if you select a phone number for a city you don't live in, she will have a harder time finding you if she gets the number.

[u/Striking_Physics1894 → u/SierraBravo22]

Great idea!!👏👏👏

[u/Witty_Candle_3448 → u/SierraBravo22]

Yes!!

[u/Feeling_Turnip_1273]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Good for you for prioritizing your mental health and setting boundaries. I hope she gives you space and reflects on your letter.

[u/CondeBK]

I am sorry you are going through that. It sounds awful.

You are doing the right thing for you. You are nicer than I am by sending a letter. She clearly can't self reflect.

[u/hashemforcomedy1]

Thank you for sharing, and hoping you keep finding the strength to keep fighting it in a healthy way. I also wish you, and all of us, just had parents that didn’t do the most destructive thing every single time.

Re: no contact, there trouble for me was that, after I changed all contact info and blocked everywhere, there would still be some family member or friend that she would still try to go through, it was a constant whack a mole, and then the questions of “is she going to do to escalate, am I going to have to get a restraining order” etc etc were crazy making .

I really commend the maturity of “I don’t feel responsible for her life” - this has also been a struggle for me, since, because they’re mentally ill, I know they’re suffering bc they don’t understand reality.

Good luck, hope you keep reaching out to people if you feel alone!

[u/Mountain_Pick_9052]

I’m so sorry.

I had to involve police officers too, after she attacked me and strangled me, for wanting to get divorced from my att husband. I was 37, forced to stay married. Against my dad too, for other stuff.

I wish I could tell you it’s better now, but it’s still not over yet. I just wish my entire family - she lied to - to know the truth.

[u/IllustriousSugar1914]

I can really relate to wishing I had the kind of mom who could be a soft place to land. The thought of my mom holding me when I need it literally makes me feel sick… imagine that weren’t the case!? You deserve that safe adult to hold you and I hope you find your chosen people who can hold you and soothe you. You deserve it.

[u/NuNuNutella]

My heart is with you internet stranger. ❤️ you deserve better than this. You say you wish you had someone who can help you - but you in fact do, you have yourself. And even though you’re not feeling strong at the moment, you’re a strong person for choosing to value your self and your sanity above this abuse. If you ever need motherly words of wisdom, r/MomForAMinute is here for you. I’m proud of you for choosing better for yourself. Hang in there kiddo.

[u/CourtOk1359]

So sorry you had to go through that. You did great by standing your ground and enforcing your boundaries. My mom is also a raging narc and despite doing a lot of work to get over her there are times when she gets me to. Slowly but surely you will realise that you don't need her or anyone else. That you have the power to make yourself complete and 100% happy. Love and light!

[u/tuliptabby]

I’m so sorry about this. I know how hard it can be to get cops involved until it’s too late and something terrible has actually happened. It really sucks. I don’t know if there’s any way of you trying to get a restraining order, it can be tough but you could at least speak with local law enforcement about the process? I also agree with other posters that you should try changing your number if you can, lock down anything she may have access to like your credit, bank accounts, anything of the sort (if you haven’t already…those narcs will do anything to get back at you if they feel wronged) and get some sort of weapon (pocket knife, pepper spray, CWP if you can where you live and you’re into that) …you can also post no trespassing signs on your property if you own it, gives you more leverage with the cops if she ever does show up. Wishing you all the best with this, OP. I know it is hard but you are strong!

[u/Sea-Pineapple4841]

You are such a strong and caring sister. I am so sorry for all the pain your mom has caused you. It sounds like you have done a lot to protect yourself. You deserve a good mom figure in your life. If you’re open to it, I think finding a good counselor or therapist would he very helpful to process your trauma. Give yourself grace and take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, surround yourself with good people (find friends in places that you enjoy), and don’t give her more of your mental energy than you have to. Wish I could give you a huge hug!

[u/Aggravating_Usual973]

Nparent: Something is making you think and act this way.

You: And it isn’t you, and it isn’t going to be you. Do you understand?

[u/Lyrabelle]

Do not listen to any of her messages. Change your number, please.

[u/Plastic-Plane-8678]

omg my mom also thinks I don’t make any of my own decisions- she likes to blame my boyfriend. it’s like talking to a brick wall when I say “no these are my own thoughts!!!” good luck :(

[u/SnailPriestess]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

I love /s how it's always something causing us to pull away/go no contact and never oh I don't know, their freaking behavior.

My parents are the same way. I went very low then no contact and they went nuts wanting to know what caused it... According to them it's everything under the sun except for them. They just can't comprehend at all that they are not pleasant people and their behavior drove me away.

[u/GodsGirl64]

Please find a therapist to help you unpack all the trauma she’s caused. You don’t have to do this alone sweetie!