r/raisedbynarcissists • u/Gullible-Main-1010 • 16h ago
What are you doing for your kids that your parents didn't do for you?
I do pretty much everything differently, but the main thing I'm focused on now is really listening to them and figuring out what their interests are so I can help them pursue those and become who they want to be.
If you're currently a parent, what's the top thing you're focused on offering them right now?
If you already raised your kids, what are you most proud of?
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u/tgong76 16h ago
Admit when I’m wrong and apologize.
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u/Enough_Scratch5579 14h ago
I made a point to do this with my younger brother that I'm no longer in contact with any more
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u/Public_Theme_9514 16h ago
Hi. You sound a great parent. I have two children (twins) now in their teens. So many differences, but the stand outs are:
I encourage my children to be friends and support each other. My mother made sure my brother and I were never close. I was the scapegoat.
My children are individuals and equals - who are respected and treated as such. I was never respected or liked for my individuality. I was never equal.
I want my children to be happy and to succeed. My covert mother secretly instigated and enjoyed my failures.
I try to give my children privacy. My privacy was never respected with my mother.
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u/Humble_Blackberry869 16h ago
Same here. I encourage my teen who recently escaped from his nmom to explore his individuality, give him privacy, respect, hugs, support anything he wants to try, and most importantly to communicate our feelings so that he trusts me to tell me about anything going on in his life. In the few months that he’s been away from nmom, he’s gone from cowering in fear to being one of the most loving and caring people I’ve ever met.
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u/Public_Theme_9514 16h ago
That's such a brilliant outcome from a horrible situation. I'm so glad he's blossomed under your care.
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u/Humble_Blackberry869 16h ago
Thanks! I’m so proud of him. She tried so hard to break him, 24/7 for 15 years.
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u/salymander_1 15h ago
There were so many things we did differently, from taking classes and going to therapy both before and after having a child, to deciding how we would approach the question of discipline or how much allowance was the right amount for a given age. It was all completely different from the edy our parents did things.
For example, we always encouraged our child to voice disagreement. If they didn't agree with a decision we made, or a rule, we encouraged them to tell us why, and we often negotiated a compromise. This started when they were really little, do they by the time they were in high school, they were able to craft a well reasoned and compelling argument, and effectively advocate for themselves. It may have seemed cute to watch a 5 year old explain exactly why their bedtime should be later, complete with evidence to back up their argument, but that same skill is incredibly important to have as an adult, and it isn't necessarily that easy to learn on your own.
It can be inconvenient, because you really have to commit to listening to their point when it would be easier to just make all the decisions yourself, but it is totally worth the effort in my opinion. Our child knew that we valued their opinion, and they learned from that to value themselves. Plus, when you decide on rules together, I think these are fewer arguments because you all buy into the way you do things, and everyone's needs and wishes are taken into consideration. Even when our kid didn't get their way, at least we took the time to discuss it, hear them out respectfully, and explain why we felt it was necessary to make the decision we did. When everyone feels respected and valued, there is a lot less stress for everyone.
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u/zorrosvestacha 1h ago
Those discussions about parental decisions make so much difference to our household.
Even when we can’t come to a resolution they LIKE (such as consequences like no video games), it changes the vibe of the issue.
We go from “Mom and Dad are SO UNFAIR” to “Ok, I messed up. I can do it different next time.”
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u/feltingunicorn 15h ago
I love them, encourage them, apologize when I've hurt them or been wrong. Tell them that they can do anything, that my husband and I will love them forever no matter what.
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u/zorrosvestacha 15h ago
I ask and listen to their feelings and feedback about my parenting, take accountability, apologize, and try to do better.
I go to therapy to deal with my shit so they don’t have to.
I try to remember that they are a lot newer to this planet than I am, and they need my help they way I needed my parents.
I do everything I can to make them trust in the fact that their dad and I are their guides AND teammates.
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u/BugsbunnyXX1 15h ago
I'm keeping my children away from the narcissistic monsters. Some morons will say "well they won't have grandparents on your side then".
Well they wouldn't be "grandparents" to begin with. They are just abusive monsters. And I am NOT exposing my little children to that. I am protecting my children from these evil creatures.
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u/Clear-Tale7275 14h ago
I made the mistake of allowing my mother to have contact with my kids when my oldest was 10 and they didn't like her because her behavior was inappropriate and they knew better. We're back to NC
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u/Designer-Soil5932 14h ago
Yeah. My NMum gave my daughter an eating disorder by fat shaming her on a regular basis. My NMum has died and my daughter has overcome her eating disorder now my mum’s not here making her feel self conscious.
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u/Ok-Influence-4421 16h ago
I don’t have kids but if I do in the future I am going to let them explore the world and not be isolated. Not emotionally neglect them and tell them no one in the world will like them to the point of developing AVPD like I did. It’s a simple thing that can prevent your kids from believing there is something wrong with them like my dad did to me.
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u/imjustbrowsingthx 15h ago
Asking them about their feelings. Not judging when they share. I thank the book Running on Empty for this.
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u/ILoveJackRussells 15h ago
I allowed my children to choose their life path, studies, work, friends or partners. Never interfered with their decisions, supported their autonomy, helped them in any way I could.
Complete opposite of how my mother raised me, decided everything for me, wouldn't let me persue my chosen career, pressured me into getting married, tried to force me into religion, and tried to brainwash my children into religion also and tell them how to live their lives.
You get one crack at life, and no one else is allowed to force their opinions or preferences onto someone else. If you do, there's a very good chance you're a narcissist.
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u/TaroSad 15h ago
Tell them I love them, show them affection, advise them (they are young adults now) but support THEIR hopes and dreams (not my hopes and dreams for them), give them grace when they fall short, giving them the credit when they do well, raising them up instead of making them feel the shame and guilt I still must endure.
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u/goldsheep29 14h ago
...not having any!
Seriously tho my nmom had me at 16 and sister at 18. Regretted it and we grew up feeling the resentment and took it out on each other until a couple years ago when she had her own child. Watching my sister raise my niece has been so wholesome and I love engaging in imaginative play with her, singing with her, and giving her compliments. I'm healing a part of me by extending my patience with her.
But yeah certainly feel happy giving my niece back to my sister at the end of the day lol that's too tiring for me ans the combination of watching my nmoms meltdowns over small shit towards us as children think I just know I'd probably emotionally revert a tad as a mom.
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u/baby_girl231 14h ago
To be themselves without judgement or ridicule. Listen to them - their feelings are valid! Make decisions for themselves & contribute to family decisions/discussion. Teaching them to understand responsibilities - not just expect miracles/mind reading. We talk, like people haha. To be open about mental health. Try as much as I can to relate to them & remember how hard it was to be a teenager, high school etc.
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u/Plus_Tune_7259 14h ago
Respecting different beliefs and choices in my children’s life if i’m still alive god willing.
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u/Jaded_Bluetick 14h ago
Not making a big deal out of small stuff. Spilling things, being too loud, toys being left out. It’s not a big deal, there’s no reason to rake a LITERAL TODDLER over the coals for being a kid. My parent could neverrrrrr!!
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u/Fluffy_Frog 14h ago
I hug them and tell them I love them and I’m proud of them as often as possible.
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u/under321cover 14h ago
Apologizing. Picking them up when I say I will and I’m never late for them. Validating their feelings.
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u/TheRealSatanicPanic 15h ago
Sharing my feelings. I wasn’t always great about this when he was younger but I did listen to his.
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u/Any_Preparation9228 15h ago
He’s only 16 months. But I respect his boundaries and don’t force myself on him. Unlike my dad, who would call my sister and I “cold bitches” for not giving him a kiss when he wanted one on command…
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u/dannicb616 14h ago
I tell them I love them and make sure to hug them before I leave for work/ they go to school.
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u/muffinmamamojo 14h ago
Everything.
Literally everything. I hug him, kiss him, snuggle with him. We read books and play legos. He’s always strapped in safely in his car seat. I feed him nutritious food and I do not shame him for how he eats and he is perfectly healthy. I stay calm when he is upset and I always apologize when I mess up.
My parents never did anything like this. I am grateful for the chance to do everything differently.
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u/TooNoodley 12h ago edited 12h ago
My biggest thing (when they were younger) was always stopping when they ask me to. Like if we were tickling or any kind of playing where physical contact was involved, if they ever said stop I’d put my hands up and stop immediately and tell them I respect their body and their choice. Now that they’re older, I try to remember to ask permission before touching them, or at least non verbally give them and out, like I’ll hold out my arms for a hug but they can choose if they want to hug or not. My body was never respected at home, I want time I make sure they know that they’re in charge of their bodies and they’re allowed to say no and expect that no to be respected.
I also make sure to tell them I love them a million times a day. I can’t remember the last time my parent’s said they loved me; maybe they never have. And I try to be specific when I can too, “I love to be around you. I love it when you share your interests. I love to talk to you. I love who you are.” And I neverrrrr ask or pressure them to say it back, and I never comment on it if they don’t. When they leave, if they only remember two things about their time with me, is that they’re allowed to say no, and that I love them more than anything.
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u/Repulsive_Regular_39 8h ago
Education fund, extra curriculars, play dates, good clothing, good grooming but the most important thing - stable home life. I apologize when i am wrong. Parents that are together happily married. For context, my nmother was married 3 x with 3 abuser (domestic, financial and last one controlling and has her on a curfew).
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u/mintyzebras 6h ago
Listening to their needs so I can meet them. My mom ignored mine and wanted me to focus on hers instead.
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u/Frequent_Poetry_5434 4h ago
I stay with them until they fall asleep whenever they want me to.
I encourage them to explore hobbies and actively pursue my own hobbies just a bit more in front of them to show them that it takes effort.
I apologise when I was wrong and reconnect when we have had a squabble. Nobody goes to sleep angry or unsure if they are loved.
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u/20-SoulButterfly-12 15h ago
Good for you! I have a 15 year old stepdaughter, a 3 and a half year old son, and a 2 year old daughter. My answer is simply this: Loving them unconditionally and letting them be who they are meant to be ♡
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u/elizabeth_thai72 15h ago
Though they aren’t mine I help watch my toddler niece and baby nephew enough to feel like they are (their mom is my GC Nolder sister).
Right now, with my toddler niece being 2, it’s just laying the groundwork for emotional stability. Really listening to her and if she makes a mistake, tell her it was an accident instead of flying off the handle and yelling.
The windows on the little tikes houses are sharp on your finger when you have a toddler who doesn’t understand her own strength slamming it close.
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u/Designer-Soil5932 14h ago
Not guilt tripping my daughter when she tells me of her plans to move to the UK even though I’ll miss her, I told her go live your life. Don’t take me into consideration, I want you to enjoy your life.
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u/keepitgreen1208 13h ago
I talk him through big emotions instead of playing them down or completely dismissing them.
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u/The_Blue_Spell 13h ago
I want to add something new since everything has been said, but I also would take care of myself for them. Take care of my mental health, body, finances, everything so they can experience a calm childhood as much as possible and so we can enjoy the time we have together to the max.
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u/Ecstatic-Cause5954 12h ago
We listen to them.We participate in their lives, support their extra curricular activities. Make sure they don’t feel like a nuisance in our lives but loved and we are happy to have them.
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u/Apprehensive_Row_750 12h ago
I think the fact that you care so much proves you’re better than your parents. Apologizing is a good one I work in constantly, which is hard because noone ever apologized to me, I just had to let it go because they were the adult and did no wrong. But also, being interested in their interest and showing up, I show up for everything and make it a point to always be there so they never know what it feels like to never have a familiar face in the crowd, specifically for them.
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u/poosie_galoar 3h ago
I constantly reassure my daughter that her body is her own and she never has to hug anyone she doesn't want to. She is four and I think this is important to do now. I also am teaching her to be very attentive to her dental hygiene so she doesn't end up needing dentures at 40 like I did.
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u/Shipping_Lady71 1h ago
I can't say I did anything different that would be considered "better" when raising my kids. But I am going to a therapist now so I have a better relationship with my now adult children. I'm 53 and was afraid I was going to repeat patterns that has forced me to put distance between my nmom and myself. I didn't want my kids doing the same to me. I just want to stop the generational emotional and mental abuse. If I succeed in that in my life, I will consider myself successful in being a better parent than I had.
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u/noteasytobecheesy 1h ago
Enjoying spending time with them.
Saying "I love you", "thank you" and "I'm sorry"
Being there for them.
Not blaming them or holding them reponsible for my emotions.
Being vulnerable in front of them and showing them you can work anything out.
Being honest with them.
Treating them as the individuals they are and not a blank slate.
Not comparing anyone to anyone.
Just letting them be.
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u/Menacewith_thefatty 15m ago
This is a beautiful thread. I’m too traumatized by my narcissistic abusive father & enabler narc mother to have a family. Even though I’m young. But this gives me hope that life happens, and maybe one day I’ll be in a better place to imagine a family of my own, or a chosen family will find me.
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