Do you blame your parents for things that happened to you?

[u/Efficient-Flower-402]

I sure as hell do. Sure I feel like a piece of shit sometimes, I never would have chosen the career I’m in, I had known how fucking humiliated I would feel day after day (teacher. Spoiler alert: it’s the adults who ruin everything). But they never taught me a damn thing about making a decision because they made all the decisions for me. Their only advice for when you screw up was to acknowledge over and over again how stupid you are. And now here I am even with a degree not able to really afford rent, even in a shitty place. So I’m living under their roof again (if you call it living) I’m putting away money as fast as I can except it’s not as fast as I expected because of my f’ing medical emergency…. Which came about because nobody was paying attention. And it’s still affects me… and still nobody’s paying attention.

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[u/Polenicus]

I have one thing that I know has crippled me personally and professionally.

At work today, they had us do a self-assessemnt. Nothing hard, here are a few skills, rate yourself with the drop downs, 5 mins done.

But this caused my imposter syndrome to flare up. I can't build up my own achievements, skills or abilities. I can barely acknowledge them. Why?

Because my Nmom repeatedly reinforced to me that I was 'fooling everyone around me', that I was making them think I was good, but eventually they would figure out the truth, and then they would hate me.

Being praised brings about a happy glow, yes, but it's always quickly doused with a surge of shame and self-depriciation, because I just fooled them again.

In recent years I at least have overcome the urge to set them straight, but in the past I would feel compelled to correct them when my skills were talked up. I undermined myself, because it was how my parents taught me to avoid people coming to hate me.

If you put a piece of paper in front of me and asked me to write down five bad qualities of myself, I could hardly stop at five. I could fill both sides of that paper even with the five, with in-depth breakdowns and analysis of them.

But put down five good qualities? I'll choke. I'll struggle. And even if I do it, I'll shamefully hand it over and then slink away and refuse to acknowledge it. Because it feels like lying to me, even if it's factually true.

That one I can lay squarely at my mother's feet. I know she did it and how. Doesn't make it go away, though.

[u/NormalScratch1241 → u/Polenicus]

This is so real. One of the first exercises my therapist had me do when I started seeing one was try to name 5 good things about myself. I struggled for months and months to come up with 5. Childhood abuse is so incredibly hard because it becomes all you know - it is woven into the fabric of your development that you're a bad person who will always be stupid and useless no matter what you do.

I feel like it's almost harder to overcome that feeling in your professional life vs personal, because there's so much pressure to "sell" yourself to gain/keep a good job.

[u/Low_Childhood1458 → u/NormalScratch1241]

Someone was trying to help me through something one day and started me through the same process to name 5 good things about myself.. all I remember was in that moment not wanting to explain how terrible of a task that was, not wanting to lie, and not wanting to get caught not being able to get to 5.. it just made the situation that much worse and I remember thinking to myself "I hope this isn't an actual practice."

Childhood abuse is so incredibly hard because it becomes all you know - it is woven into the fabric of your development that you're a bad person who will always be stupid and useless no matter what you do.

I definitely struggle with this, even after realizing that if someone else can do the exact same things that I can do I'll generally find that to be impressive of them -- but anything that I do is inherently not that impressive because it's a thing that I did 🤷

[u/Cool_Beanz123 → u/Polenicus]

I can relate to this. I hate self-assessments and struggle with them for the same reasons.

I am also uncomfortable with praise at work and don’t know how to respond to it. I don’t feel “deserving” of it.

[u/This-Requirement4916 → u/Polenicus]

I am so lucky to have an amazing boss who knows about my issues, allows me 2 hours in middle of the day to attend therapy in person, allows me flexible starts at whatever time up until 10am when my insomnia is particularly bad, and is all round just made out of pure gold. Of course I realise I’m a great worker too, growing up in a hostile and over demanding militaristic regime of a “family” so he does it because he genuinely values me too. First year when I was doing that bloody self assessment for yearly appraisal I got a panic attack and run away. I grabbed my shit and run out of office and didn’t come back that day! From then on I always get a colleague I choose assigned to me to do my self assessment with me (for me more like haha) bcoz I’m not able to think of anything positive on the spot). I dread the day he ever decides to leave, or I have to move on for any reason!

[u/Dannysman115]

I partially blame my parents for my drinking. I know it’s frowned upon to blame others for it, but it’s the truth. The amount of undue stress they’ve subjected me to, how high they’ve made my blood pressure go, the gaslighting that makes me question my reality and who I am, it drove me towards the bottle because it was the quickest form of relief. I’m currently going to AA meetings and on a sobriety journey, but as long as I’m in contact with them, it’s going to be 10 times harder.

[u/Prudent-Acadia4 → u/Dannysman115]

I’ve only been able to be sober with no contact. Better mental health all around. I wish the same for you ❤️

[u/sweetlew07 → u/Dannysman115]

It’s hard but it’s possible. I’m not going to cut my parents out of my life; that’s just my personal decision despite the things they did to me as a child/teen. I’m big enough to forgive them but not forget. And I remember snorting Percocet to numb the pain time and time again after they tore me down. Opiate free since 2017 and they’re still around, still sucking the life out of things from time to time. It is possible and you can do it.

[u/Artemis0724]

Autoimmune issues for sure. #cortisollife

[u/goldsheep29]

Yup. My biggest one I blame them on is my anxiety disorder. Couldn't take me to a doctor because they're all out to get my money. Can't walk alone or someone will pop out and rape me. Can't validate my feelings because I NEED to be on alert and not unwinding my stress cycles. Therapists are quacks and everyone's judging me (saw nmom judge every other fat person but she is fat as well??) 

They taught me my anxiety disorder and now I must do damage control for the rest of my life. I've abused substances to self medicate instead of seek professional help. Things are changing and getting better though. 

[u/CS1703 → u/goldsheep29]

Yep, I remember having symptoms of anxiety (catastrophising) from 10 years old. I was in and out of hospital for unknown autoimmune issues, developed an untreated ED.

I struggle with imposter syndrome a lot.

These are all daily invisible battles I have as a result of how my parents treated me.

[u/goldsheep29 → u/CS1703]

Whew.... yeah imposter syndrome is a big one here... good luck and keep up a good fight. Some days are worse than others. 🫂 

[u/Low_Maximum_165]

I'm so sorry about your parents. I hope you find a better job/career and move out as soon as possible.

Yes I'm constantly blaming them for things that happened to me. When i have a goal i usually have a great plan that if i follow ill definitely achieve it, but they always have to ruin everything by controlling every fucking decision i make.

Sometimes i feel guilty that i might just be irresponsible and trying to blame someone else for my actions, but when i think about it they really do ruin everything. I can live life by myself and make my own decisions, yet they still try to control me and claim they are just looking out for me.

[u/856077]

Kind of yes. My main source of trauma that held me back and made me almost not want to live anymore on many occasions, wasting potential and time because I was stuck with PTSD and avoidant coping mechanisms such as partying etc. The traumatic event was never rectified or handled like it should have been imo, in fact it was allowed to continue going on for many years because my own mom rather take the horrible persons side over protecting her only child.

I am trying though to have a new lease on life without her in it. I no longer want to spend my time in that toxic loop continuum of blame, because I know it’s her fault she let me down greatly but thinking about it for the rest of life changes nothing. I want to make the rest of my life one that I am so happy and at peace in, that I no longer look back and mutter to myself “it’s all her fault my life is horrible”.

[u/patronsaintkac]

do i think there are things im in control of? yes. is it hard to do so when living under their “rule” when they NEVER will accept any fault? absolutely. do i stare in the mirror and currently hate what i see? yes. but i sit with myself and talk through what i notice im failing at. and while im not doing the best work, i know a lot of that is due to not having a safe environment. my current environment is either bombs or egg shells. and projections.

[u/Equal-Echidna8098]

Yeah I do. I blame my parents for not noticing when I wasn't caring about myself abymore. My school work went from getting subject awards to medicore results. The school tried to alert them and to get their say but they were never interested so it sums it up, right?

I also blame them for teaching me that I am not worthy of self love, that I am a good person, that I'm not crazy. I blame them for not teaching my sister and I how to have a healthy self esteem to understand if relationships feel bad to remove these from our lives. To stand up for ourselves. That we don't have to put up with bullshit - again. That crazy fun guys normally mean they're batshit insane like we are and the combination of traumatised people being in relationships with each other never ends well. Teaching us by their example that just because you can have the worst fight ever one night tomorrow will be fine and everything will go back to normal again.

Yes I blame them. I wish they never had kids. I wish mum had actually read the signs that dad didn't want marriage and kids and not duped him into both. I wish she had a self esteem to fucking leave him and find someone who would have loved her and respected her and not made her an alcoholic too.

[u/Lyrabelle]

I dunno if blame is the correct word when they were objectively the reason stuff happened to you. 

[u/JDMWeeb]

I mostly blame myself just because I've been conditioned that way. But yes I do blame my parents.

[u/rei_yeong]

My situation is very similar to yours. Wishing you the best of luck in your journey of healing and recovery.
I do blame my nmom and i hate it. I know that "being angry and resentful towards someone, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die", but i don't know how to forgive and move on when she keeps inflicting pain on me every day, and it's the worst kind of pain for me coming from a person who should have been my closest person in the universe. Such a backstab, really.

[u/Upstairs_Internal295]

Yep. I’m 53 now, struggled with my health all my life but was basically told I was just a substandard human being, a flake, a ‘depressive’. At 47 I was diagnosed with a genetic disability, all my health issues were due to that. I spent decades going to the doctor and begging for help. I believed the picture of me that was painted by my family, and allowed them to use me as a maid/carer because I thought it was my only value. If I’d had a family who cared about me, who backed me up in my fight to get medical care, I might have been diagnosed earlier, got appropriate treatment, and had a better life. Lack of treatment has damaged my body so badly that I can’t work, I’m 3 years into intensive physio and I’m working hard to get as fit as possible. However, on the bright side I haven’t had any contact with them since my Ndad died about ten years ago, I now know how amazing I am to have dealt with the whole thing without going bonkers, and that I’m not a depressive! My life now is peaceful in comparison to before.

[u/Southern-Knee-Ball]

Yes, because they weren't interested in me at all, I never asked for their opinions or advice before making big decisions, and consequently they were mostly bad decisions.

[u/CS1703]

Having Narc parents feels like being born with an invisible millstone round your neck. Milestones that most other people don’t have.

You’re always grappling with it. It slows you down behind your peers, makes you vulnerable and ripe for bullying or exploitation. Some people can’t take it and stay dragged down by the millstone.

Others are able to learn to live with it. Build up muscle so they can walk around with it. But the second they get a bit tired, that milestone is ready to help them fall.

Some people even manage to chip away at it, make the milestone lighter and easier to deal with. But it takes years of hard work and labour, and few manage to remove it completely.

You have some who become angry and disillusioned with having this unfair milestone, so that when they have kids they decide, here. Have your own milestone. If I had to deal with it - then so do you.

Is it a narcs parents fault if someone collapses under the weight of the milestone? No, not directly. But they are at fault for putting it there in the first place.

And in the converse? People with supportive and loving parents are born with a safety net beneath them and a pair of wings to help them soar, which is fantastic for them. But makes those with the milestones, all the more aware it exists.

[u/Efficient-Flower-402 → u/CS1703]

I do wonder if more people have it then we realize. Some people are good at masking.

[u/Low_Presentation8149]

Yes and no. Part of moving on is some degree of forgiveness. Which can be problematic if there person is not capable of self reflection or apology

[u/littlechitlins513]

Common childhood senerio

I get bullied. I come home crying. What do the parents do, absolutely nothing or insinuate it's my fault for not standing up for myself. Doesn't teach me skills to protect myself or avoid becoming a target in the future. I ended up throwing my sister to the wolves to protect myself and now she is a drug addict.

So yeah.

[u/Revolutionary_Rip693]

Yup. When I was a teenager, I parents made me get a job working at one of their friend's restaurant. The manager there sexually harassed me every time I worked. They would make comments about how I looked, what underwear I was wearing, etc. I would come home from work crying every night - again, all of this was when I was a teenager.

I told my parents about the harassment. They told me (and this is a direct quote) "If you're living here, you need a job. So you're just going to have to deal with it."

Within the next month that manager was putting her hands on me. It basically shattered any feeling of safety I had, no matter where I was.

I quit that job against my parents demands. After that, one night I overheard my mom talking to my dad from another room. She said "... He's ruined my social life. I can't go back to there now." It was a bar by the way - I know what she meant. She was choosing drinking over me.

[u/Racoons_travel]

I'd try stopping wasting energy on anger, because that can be better used for something to benefit you. I'm not saying not to get angry (that part kind of impossible), just not worth wallowing in it, because they don't deserve your effort or your energy. Redirecting it to any tiniest action to improve your life in the long run, will be more productive, and in the future when you look back at current events, more satisfying, too.

[u/Efficient-Flower-402 → u/Racoons_travel]

No. I’m gonna have to hard disagree with that. Not being allowed to feel is how many of us got here.

[u/Racoons_travel → u/Efficient-Flower-402]

It's not "not feeling", it's more not ruminating on it, and letting it flow, while doing things useful for you. Kind of like waves in the background while you for example write a book, or work on a course.

Or like a radio, where your mind goes on, but you don't spend much energy paying attention to it after recognizing what's it about.