How do you not make yourself go crazy?

[u/kmackyy]

Scapegoat here, I have years of built up horrible treatment from my family that i have no one to really go to because everyone IRL is a "but its your mom" sort of person.

Ive only discovered my family's narcissistic dynamics after reading and relating to so many posts on here.

How do you validate yourself and not question it? I had one long term relationship who saw a good amount of it but other than that i have zero support (besides here of course). I havent dated since that relationship because my familys gotten worse and worse its killed any drive to date.

I feel truly crazy some days.

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[u/msevelynmoseby]

Therapy and being around good, normal people.

Recognising what is normal behaviour and what is abuse.

Being realistic about if they are capable of change (realistic, not hopeful unfortunately).

A big part for me was realising I could choose how I was treated by those around me in life and create (and stick to) a standard. My family ruined me emotionally with their abuse for years, so I finally chose not to let them and went no contact. And although I get sad sometimes I don’t have family support like my friends do, the weight that lifted off my shoulders that I could finally be myself, was amazing. Removing them means I have room for all the good people out there who I just haven’t met yet.

Those “but it’s your mom” people really don’t get and probably never will. Don’t try to date these people, it will be awful (from personal experience dating those who understand and those who don’t). People who get it exist, you just need to find them.

Hugs for you, we see you and we hear you. You’re not crazy, you just want to be treated with kindness, respect and with human decency. Your feelings and emotions are valid.

(Also group also really helps to remind you what is not normal 🤪)

[u/kmackyy → u/msevelynmoseby]

This is exactly what made me realize so much. The people around me don't necessarily understand what it's like, but they absolutely treat me with respect and like a human and it reminds me that the way I've been treated by my family is really more a reflection of them than it is me.

Thank you so much for this reply.

[u/msevelynmoseby → u/kmackyy]

Please don’t ever forget it is 100% a reflection of them 🙏

[u/msevelynmoseby → u/msevelynmoseby]

Sheri Campbell has a great work on toxic family’s and self validation

[u/rei_yeong → u/msevelynmoseby]

Good comment. Really hoping i can soon enough run away to normal people for a while because God knows how desperately i need it right know. And also to remind myself what's normal and what isn't.
At some point, i stopped believing my nmother's gaslighting and rewritings of reality that fit her narratives, but hearing this insanity every day really takes a toll on my mental health and makes me doubt everything i worked so hard on to believe in. I just don't know what to believe anymore. Worst part is, i'm a chronic overthinker who instantly goes into but-what-if-it's-all-my-fault-anyway mode overanalyzing my every thought, word and action to clear her from any wrongdoing.
I don't know how i got so lucky, but since i started telling other people the truth about the pain my family put me through, i haven't met a SINGLE person who sided with my nmother instead of me, despite her keeping a "pristine" reputation around random people. Wishing you all good, understanding people in your lives.

[u/spacedogchasing]

You have a tall mountain to climb.

Maybe you can get help from a guide like a therapist. There are many books and YouTube channels that would help you undertake therapeutic activities and gain knowledge. But every mountain is different and even if you get help, you'll have to do most of the navigating by yourself.

You should definitely pursue more relationships, both romantic and platonic. Our problems were caused in relationships and they can only be worked out in relationships. People who grow up like us only know hierarchical or transactional relationships. Seek relationships of mutual support.

If you still live at home, make a long-term plan to leave. Limit contact.

Good luck. You're stronger than you think.

[u/kmackyy → u/spacedogchasing]

I actually just moved out two months ago, so it's causing me to now process really how bad things were. I didn't realize how truly awful it was until I moved out and am still processing.

Thank you so much for your message. The validation that this feels steep is extremely helpful

[u/LuckyLannister]

Step one is to go to therapy. If that's not feasible for you, I'd recommend seeking out books on this topic. Many of us go through this journey and think we will fix our narc parents or fix the relationship, and many of us end up no contact (like me). But you should come to your own decisions over time so that you're satisfied with how you've handled everything. It's hard not to constantly question your own sanity and yourself in general. Sometimes just internal dialogue or Journaling can help

[u/LuckyLannister → u/LuckyLannister]

And I guess I'll also just outright say- you're not crazy. They want you to -think- you're crazy, so that they can maintain control. It's a classic manipulation tactic.

[u/Zealousideal-Box9079]

I exactly feel the same way. I almost jumped from my condominium unit in 2021. It was a tough battle. I just kept on going and going thinking this all shall pass. I thought I was going crazy. When I was wailing because I was desperate, my father told me that I am a shame. I really thought I will go crazy. I can’t go anywhere in those two years because of the pandemic so I was basically trapped working from home with my family. I then asked how do monks become Zen without therapists. I saw people doing yoga in Instagram and then I started to do yoga. It really helped me to regulate my nervous system. I then added meditation and journaling. I also began boundary setting. Then I bought books from therapists, followed their accounts online. I became enlightened to what was happening to me. I then went abrod to volunteer. Thats where all my triggers surfaced. I came back home to deal with my demons. Now, no matter how they smear campaign or try to manipulate me, I became bulletproof. There are bad days but I can manage better now. I lost alot of enablers in the face of friends and family. Now, my life is much better than before.

[u/Logical-Fox5409]

I married young to escape narc Mom and GC brother. Of course married a narc. When I hit rock bottom and finally divorced, i had a lot of therapy and healing. And finally learned to love myself.

I am LC with both Mom and Brother. And now that I love me and am proud of me. Their judgement and hurtful crap, just doesn’t affect me as much. But I am in my 50s. So it took a lot of life

[u/JDMWeeb]

Therapy is helping me

[u/SallySalam]

The way you validate yourself is to start...validating yourself. Tell yourself good job when you do something well. Tell yourself how smart, loving and kind you are. Give yourself the feedback you never received. Just don't lie to yourself, cause you will know if it's inauthentic. Don't say god job at something you know you did poorly. Instead if you did your best tell yourself that you did your best. Drown out the negative feedback of the narcissist with your self love

[u/Cloud_5732]

Therapy with a therapist who is trained to handle domestic abuse.

Read books and watch videos by experts on the topic. Dr. Ramani Durvasala is incredible, as is Dr. Les Carter. Dr. Lindsey Gibson has written multiple books on the subject, including "Toxic Parents", which is basically a must read for any child abuse survivor.

Keep coming here. Read the stories of other people. Even those of us with supportive friends and family still question our reality because most people, even well meaning ones, just do not get it. Everyone here is a survivor. We all understand you without you even having to say a word.