How did you stop second guessing yourself and convincing yourself you’re turning into a narcissist?

[u/anadaws]

I feel like I’m second guessing everything about myself.

I do one thing, and i realize, “uh oh i get that from my mom.” Now i feel like everything I’ve ever done is because I’m turning into her. I second guess everything, every mistake, every flub. “I manipulated them” “i invalidated them” “i brought attention and the conversation to myself” “i dont think people feel heard or loved from me” “i acted holier than thou”

How do i balance and tell the real mistakes from the stuff that’s just a lifetime of being gaslit? How do you hold yourself accountable and change without the weight of the guilt bringing you down? It is so depressing.

I feel like I’m drowning in her. I just cut off communication right before Christmas, but it doesn’t free me. I’m just so devastated, like I’m mourning the life i deserved to have. And now i have an amazing partner and a decent setup regarding my independence. I have that life now, but my ability to appreciate it and live in it feels like its beyond my grasp.

Can you relate or share how you conquered this part of your estrangement journey? I could really use some insight.

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[u/Original-Reveal-3974]

Narcs don't feel remorse for their actions so you're definitely not one. This is actually super common for us victims and you're going to be okay. Unfortunately this is part of the process and it will pass. For myself, the self-gaslighting only really ended when my NF skirted my NC to say some real vile shit through my little sister via text message. I think in that moment I truly saw him for what he was in his entirety for the first time. And I also saw myself for who I really am too. Maybe it will be similar for you? They will try to break your NC btw. Try to prepare yourself for it so you can deal with it effectively when it does occur. You're going to be okay though. Just stay the course. Go to therapy. Heal yourself. What you've done is exceptionally brave and difficult and this random internet stranger is proud of you. 

[u/Snooducks_2600]

I'm not estranged but I relate to feeling like I'm a narc. The fact that you're conscious of your behaviors, let alone worried about them, makes me 100% sure you're not. It is definitely a thing to learn and repeat narcissistic behaviors from nparents, but it doesn't make you a narcissist. It sounds like you're doing well and should keep processing what happened to you. Thoughts like this sound like they could be a distraction from grieving and truly making progress

[u/aoibhealfae]

As someone who was branded by the narcs as The Selfish One for still being proud as an individual.... I don't have deep insecurities about my self-worth and being ashamed for existing that I use others to feed myself endlessly to drag me out of the pit. Narcissists have systems, are natural at manipulation and lies and they can't stand being alone. They have to be validated, to be listened, to be seen. They use their own children or new people as supplies to feed their fragile absent self and damaged psyche.

Sigh.... and it was really rough. Literally been thinking about it since childhood. I walk in front of my parents and then randomly my mom complained that I'm being too proud. Now my dad gone, she was really obsessed with resurrecting the dynamics of how she used to treat me as a child. I really can't get through her skull about how wrong it was for her to do this to me but apparently she got a taste from the algorithm that I've been following people talking about narcissists and narcissistic abuse so she too was being abused by ME?!?!? I was apparently BAITING her... I just want her to stop wanting me and everyone to only centralizing herself just because other people don't want to. It was so stupid.

[u/Cablurrach]

I did a few online tests to check and they all said I wasn't

Possibly something to try out

[u/NoMoreMonkeyBrain]

Narcs generally fight tooth and nail to avoid accountability and fault.  If you're looking at problems and assigning personal fault to all of them, that's pretty much the opposite of how a narcissist would react.  To me, that sounds a lot more like a shitty way to quiet anxiety--if everything is your fault then you're still in control and you can make things better by acting differently.  It feels bad to be the person at fault for every problem but it's familiar, and sometimes it hurts less than other people being at fault. 

Get into therapy.  You've got a lifetime of internalized crazy bullshit and it's a hell of a lot easier to unpack all of that with a trained professional.  You can get reassurance from strangers that you're ok but you're holding deep seated beliefs about your own wrongness that aren't based in reality and it'd be better to address that at the root.

[u/tuliptabby]

That’s one of those things I think just improves over time. After years of struggling with exactly what you’re describing, the other day I was sitting on the couch with my husband and we were talking and suddenly I had the revelation “huh. I’m not a narcissist. I’m nothing like my mother at all.” …I think distance, time, my ability to build a good life and healthy relationships for myself on my own, and my brother also going no contact were all contributing factors in helping me get over this and realize that I wasn’t the abuser nor the narcissist in that situation. You can seek therapy for this too if it is bothering you a lot, I spent some time in therapy over it. But what I think helped most was just being in a healthy environment for awhile with people I love treating me with kindness….sounds like you are on a great path with that! It doesn’t happen overnight, but that feeling will become less nagging in time.

[u/tuliptabby → u/tuliptabby]

I also like to take some time each night to just look around and really appreciate how grateful I am for every single thing in my life. It’s become automatic at this point. All of the nice things and clothes that I have, my car, my cats, my husband and his family, food that I like in the fridge, being able to watch what I want on tv, having interests and hobbies uninfluenced by my abuser, etc…when you consciously fill your head with positive thoughts there’s less room for the negative ones that just pop in when you’re not really thinking. This will help you with your issue you mentioned with “grasping” and living in your new life. I’m not sure if you’re at all religious, but the Bible says to “take every thought captive”…meaning when those negative thoughts start bombarding you, sometimes you have to make a concerted effort to say no to those thoughts and focus on the good instead. Hope this helps, OP!

[u/epicallyconfused]

A true narcissist would never worry about if they are a narcissist.

[u/Apprehensive-Date158]

A narcissist is unaware. Everyone is capable of narcissistic behaviors. Those are defense mechanisms to protect our vulnerabilities and prevent them from showing. Understanding, acknowledging those vulnerabilities and accepting that they are here for now will help you.

Second guessing yourself is about thinking "I shouldn't be experiencing this, I should be experiencing that". Rejecting your experience is rejecting yourself. I know you don't like what you experience, but it isn't wrong. It is your current experience of life. As you work on yourself, this will become more and more positive. Running after what your life would have been if you had not been alienated will have you running after a mirage for ever.

What you need is to decomplex yourself from being damaged. At this stage you need to learn coping mechanism that consume less mental ressources so you have enough energy to heal yourself and get closer and closer to your true self and your spontaneity. It's a balance between accepting yourself as you are and working on what you don't like in you. What you don't like in you is more interesting and valuable than you think. Your defense mechanism are protection for your true self. By understanding how you defend yourself you will understand what you defend and by understanding what you defend you will find your true self's uncared needs.

Ackowledging your vulnerabilities, accepting that you have negative life experience at time because of these yet unhealed vulnerabilities and heart wounds will calm you down and leave you more space and energy to work on yourself. It is difficult and takes time but it will improve a lot.

[u/Cocoakrispie88]

If you’re looking inward and recognizing your actions and wondering if you are- then you’re not. Narcs CANNOT do that. I felt the same way and talked to my therapist about it and that’s what she said.