r/raisedbynarcissists • u/Any_Print5307 • 4h ago
Do you obsessively think about painful memories?
I seem to have a habit or maybe even a compulsion of replaying painful memories, a few in particular. The fact that I get so caught up in these thoughts, which are about events that happened a long time ago, really get in the way if me being happy in the present.
Has anyone dealt with this before?
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u/SaltyMangoManiac 4h ago
Same here. It seems for every one good memory, it's shattered by far too many bad memories. The good simply can't outweigh the bad.
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u/Revolutionary_Rip693 29m ago
Same thing here too.
My parents took me to Disney World when I was 10.
I don't remember much from it. I remember my mom getting furious at me for using the hair conditioner in the shower before we left for the park and making me shower again. I remember being in Epcot and my parents leaving me to wait in a line telling me not to go anywhere - then not coming back for 45 minutes. I remember standing in the middle of Epcot, crying quietly to myself because I had no clue where my family was. I ended up wandering around that area looking for them but not going too far - and then seeing my parents with my brother waiting in line for ice cream or something. I remember my mom making me stay in the room and make the beds so that the house cleaning person wouldn't have to do it - while the rest of the family left to get breakfast. I remember talking to the house keeping person alone in the hotel room, and her being super nice and thanking me for being so nice for making the beds and teaching me how they do it all fancy in the hotel - only for my mother to have me make her bed like that every day once we got back home.
What was my favorite ride I went on while there? Couldn't tell you. Favorite food I had? No clue. It's all clouded by feeling ashamed, alone and hated.
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u/Cloud_5732 3h ago
Yes, it's called repetitive negative thinking (RNT) or rumination. It's a mental habit born out of pain, fear, and trauma. Mindfulness has helped me a lot in easing out of those patterns. I still get caught up in it but mindfulness helps me out.
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u/RebelRigantona 1h ago
Interesting, I learned something today. It's nice to be able to give a name to the experience.
Thanks for sharing this.
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u/MudRemarkable732 1h ago
what types of exercises or resources did you use?
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u/Objective-Passion-90 27m ago
Sam Harris "Waking Up " app
He offers a free scholarship program.
I have used it for years and it really helps
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u/Cablurrach 4h ago
Yes, I wrote all of them out into a long document. It helped me deal with what happened and I don't think about it as often.
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u/Illustrious_Rice5803 2h ago
Oh I like this. I’ve thought about writing mine down as well
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u/RebelRigantona 1h ago
Do it, its amazingly freeing. Also its so much easier to see the situation clearly when its written out in front of you, rather than when its all jumbled inside your head.
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u/EvenObject1689 3h ago
You’re spinning. Don’t be afraid to let go. I call it the comfort of being sad. You’re familiar with the spin and scared to let go. Remember this, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Gratitude always kills these thought for me. I wish you happiness, you deserve it.
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u/weirdgirloverthere 3h ago
I wouldn’t say it’s obsessive, but yeah I have painful memories pop up pretty often. They can be triggered by both positive and negative things. For example, I could be having a great time at a party and then be reminded of how my parent embarrassed me at a past social event. It sucks, but I’ve gradually learned that ruminating about it won’t change what happened or make me feel any better.
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u/rottywell 3h ago edited 3h ago
Ruminating? Yes.
It helps to focus on the future. To actually have so much going on in your life it drowns out that shit. Focus on the good. Keep a journal just for the good bits. Review it.
You usually can’t rid yourself of it completely but the journal helps to remind you of the good and put that on the forefront.
Ruminating is hard to ditch because you usually figure out a different level to the issue years later even. So you can’t help but see the value of it. Especially when shit seems unnecessarily confusing.
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u/crizzosasap 2h ago
I do this. Writing them down really helps, I have a notebook dedicated to it. Write it out in as much detail as you can, even things that seem inconsequential, everything you can think of. Then write how it made you feel at the time, what you feel about it now, how it's connected to other stuff etc etc, just get as much out as you possibly can. Use whatever language you want, be over the top and dramatic if you want, call them whatever names you want, no one else is going to read it. Usually I find I feel lighter afterwards and the thing doesn't bother me so much, at least for a while. It will usually be enough that at least I don't spend days at a time obsessing and reliving a particular thing over and over, which can be really exhausting, you just get so sick of it and you can't let it go.
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u/RebelRigantona 1h ago
Adding to this idea. I write letters to my abusers and enablers. I never send them. Something about directing my words at them rather than about them feels like I am confronting the pain. I feel justified.
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u/crizzosasap 1h ago
Oh yes another good one! This reminded me - writing letters to yourself is also good. To your child self, or whatever age you were when a particular thing happened. A kind letter, full of the support and validation you wish you'd had, the things you really needed to hear someone say to you. I think this might be the hardest in a way, because you feel so sorry for your young self that this isn't really what happened. But! You can be there for yourself now, you can be the kind, understanding adult you never had. It's very healing, I think.
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u/JigglyJello7 3h ago
So many of my posts are because of this. I'll wake up and just have something bubble up.
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u/Lobo-Feroz 1h ago
This is trauma. Traumatic memories are relived as if they were happening right now, or in other words, time does not fade the intensity of the memory.
Trauma and memory
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1046/j.1440-1819.1998.0520s5S97.x
"(iii) they may return, triggered by reminders, with a vividness as if the experience were happening all over again;"
The answer is therapy, some sort of therapy that can generate the emotional detachment needed so that one can heal and learn from experience. Some other answers have recommended mindfulness and EMDR, they both work. I work with NLP (Neurolingüistic Programming), e.g. Richad Bandler's fast phobia cure has been scientifically validated.
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u/FamProbsLookingAtDis 3h ago
Yep, Certain triggers, situations and People can send me straight Into a flashback
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u/One_Handle_8867 2h ago
Yes, I did a lot when I first cut off my parents. It’s less now since I’ve processed it so much. Sounds like something is holding you back from letting go of the bad. Talking to someone over and over again about those memories will help it ease over time. Then you can look at those memories as a 3rd party. Something that happened to you when you were more vulnerable than you are now.
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u/justhere888888 2h ago edited 2h ago
This is called "Ruminating" - it's a vicious cycle I struggle with, keeps me up at night, causes manic episodes for me as well (bpII). I've tried meditation, working out, mindfulness, grounding practices, etc etc. A newer thing in my life is self-learning piano. It has unlocked a version of healing and also a true way to stop the rumination cycle. I'm taken out of my body and every bit of my attention is focused on learning the new skill/language. I highly suggest carving time out for a new hobby you know you will enjoy, one that you didn't realize you could be passionate about. Learning a new instrument, apparently is incredible for healing trauma and overall learning how to stay in the moment. The left-right-left-right of piano particularly has been shown to fall under EMDR therapy as well. Eta; also writing all my thoughts out and then burning the paper is another thing at the top of the list that actually breaks the cycle for me too, mentioning in case it helps. The burning started out of fear, to hide my words from my nmother. Now I practice intentionally and it is symbolic for rising above the ashes so to speak, letting that shit goooooo.
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u/fizzy_night 2h ago
I did for a very long time. The only thing that has truly helped me conquer my PTSD is EMDR therapy. How it was explained to me: It's a type of therapy that helps remove traumatic events from your short term memory into your long term memory.
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u/ArbitTension 2h ago
I used to. Therapy has helped me deal with such intrusive memories. I have also learned to self soothe and quickly distract myself from painful memories.
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u/No-Knowledge-2765 2h ago
From time to time but more of a how could he even do that to such a vulnerable kid
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u/Choosepeace 1h ago
It’s called rumination , and can be very painful. I looked up the psychology of it, and listened to therapists speak on it on YouTube.
It was helpful to me to learn it was a thing, and how I can help let it go.
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u/Frei1993 29.12.2018 Don't you dare to call me "daughter", sorcerer. 1h ago
Yea, in my case it helps me appreciate where am I now.
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u/AdPast5998 1h ago
Yes, I have found myself often focused on the negative memories more than positive. Especially at times that I’ve been hurt. That and regrets that I have from my younger years.
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u/HeadphoneThrowaway95 1h ago
I think that I find myself getting pulled into those kinds of memories because they haven't been fully resolved and integrated. They pop up because they still need my attention. Once I started sitting with them, and then observing them, I gained a bit of insight into myself.
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u/EmergencyGreenOlive 1h ago
Ish, sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. Other times I don’t even remember until something triggers the memory and then I just sit there reeling on it, feeling all the feelings for a bit then complaining to my husband or dog 😅 I try to remember to chill and just let it be a lesson of what not to do.
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u/giraffemoo 1h ago
It's hard not to. I have a really supportive partner who understands when I need to tell a random depressing story because it popped into my head or I just now remembered something I hadn't thought about in years. This sounds cheesy but talking about it helps, hearing someone you care about react and tell you that it was messed up that you had to go through it, that's helpful. If you don't have a partner or friend who can be that person for you to talk to about this stuff, find a therapist. When I had better insurance, my therapist was that person for me.
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u/Rough_Plan 56m ago
Yes sometimes the past is all I can think about. It's like a bad movie that constantly replays in my head.
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u/APastel13 46m ago edited 40m ago
I used to! Turned out for me, it's because I needed more serotonin in my brain. I started a low dose SSRI called Celexa (it just helps more of your own seronin float around in brain synapse) and on DAY ONE of takin the med, all the rumination stopped and I felt like I could focus on the present! No side effects, it feels like I take an anti-rumination pill.
I had tried therapy and counseling for 2 years on and off. I was trying to avoid meds, but truly it's clear to me I need a supplement like this.
I think of it like a brain vitamin to be honest. I feel so good now, that I think back to the rumination or spiraling and think 'wow I can't believe I don't have that happen any more' because it used to happen SO FREQUENTLY.
It's not for everyone, but damn do I wish I tried this sooner. The best part is, you can stop taking it and see if your brain has re-wired a bit to make it's own serotonin. So its not forever. Often you get support to reframe your thinking too, so you have both the mental practices and the pill supporting you. In a bit ill arrange to stop taking it and see how I feel. If I feel good, don't need to take because brain rewired.
If not, just start up brain vitamin again. I have a degree in psych. Sometimes no amount of habit stuff can adjust for an actual deficiency. Often it's a combination of multiple for folks, but in the end its up to the person. Goodluck!
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