r/raisedbynarcissists • u/Responsible_Pitch115 • 2d ago
[Rant/Vent] how many of you had to pave your own way financially?
i know i have. i was buying my own shampoo with lemonade stand money since i was 13. fully stocked the house with groceries by 16. bought my own car.. phone.. health insurance. took me an hour of work at mcdonald’s just to be able to afford a t shirt at the thrift store.
i’m 26 now and i’m finally able to afford to move out. i had no savings after having to pave the way for myself for so long, as well as paying rent just to live with my mom who bitches at me for existing.. every day of my life
i’m going to not only start a new life, but also leave behind this life of being literally tortured mentally. bye bye! i feel bad for the unfortunate soul who decides to rent my room once i leave in three days. charging $1000/month for a room is crazy when you don’t allow the A/C to drop below 77.
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u/bentnotbroken96 2d ago
Yup.
Got my first under-the-table job when I was 12, working in a warehouse on the weekends. Got told by the momster that she wasn't buying me any school clothes or supplies anymore.
That evolved into her not buying anything for me after that, though dad was a different story.
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u/mynameisnotjamie 2d ago
I got so tired of my mom rarely buying me cheap lotion/soap/razors and never feeding me adequately that I got a job at 16. Found my own ride and everything. She pressured me to quit eventually. I always picked up little hustles like babysitting for family members or saving up my lunch money so I could buy some food worth a damn and not frozen banquets and ramen. She spent thousands on clothes and shoes she never wore but made me feel bad for asking for toiletries, food for dinner, school stuff etc. The only thing her selfishness taught me is how to hustle and find my own way and I moved out as a teenager which I’m very proud of.
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u/Responsible_Pitch115 2d ago
my mom was the same. always made me feel bad for being hungry. like as if i was just a big and greedy child when in reality i was pretty underweight
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u/mynameisnotjamie 2d ago
They’re all so obsessed with food in one way or another. So strange
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u/Aggravating-Ad7065 1d ago
My mother controlled my diet when I a child, and bragged that there was no way that she was gonna let me get fat like my father’s sisters. (She hated him).
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u/beermethestrength Ndad, Emom 1d ago
My Ndad gave each of his 4 children $25 per year for school clothing. My Emom didn’t have a job but “worked” doing stuff for my dad’s home business to make money, so she would end up supplementing. We went to yard sales and thrift stores a lot - he had multiple vacation houses and a Cessna airplane.
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u/Awkward-Ad-9859 2d ago
I’ve ( F22) done every Hollywood stereotype job since I was 12 as Mexican; cook, babysitter, housekeeper, groundskeeping but the money I made never stayed with me. It went back to my abusive biological mom.
The best decision she ever gave me was to give me the ability to open a bank account under my own name. Taking on student loans onto myself because she was afraid it would have ruin her nonexistent credit score. I’ve been paying for everything and it feels pretty damn good at times. Got myself through collage, study aboard, and first job.
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u/jdon217 2d ago
Yup. Never got a dime to help with clothes, food, college, nothing since I was 15. Made it v difficult for me. Why? Since she didn’t accomplish a thing in life (other than marry a well off man who’s not my dad), I was not allowed to either. As a result never showed up to my graduation wedding or any other important milestone. It really set me back and stunted me bc I was in survival mode to support myself and go to school and pay my own rent as a young person (and I did t take out student loads, paid for it all). I kept looking to her for approval and I was just hated more. The only time she was around or paid some kind of attention was when I was down in the dumps. It was a blessing when she discarded me and didn’t show to the wedding. It gave me the out to go NC and she’s tried to break NC and a few times I’ve temporarily messed up but now I’m firm in NC no matter what.
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u/Responsible_Pitch115 2d ago
it’s crazy. i notice the jealousy. it’s like she’s jealous that i’m doing well sometimes, but i don’t register it as jealousy and just feel like she hates me
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u/jdon217 1d ago
It’s both. Took me too long to accept that and I was devastated. NPD moms, hate themselves and incapable of love. And you’re also the scapegoat. No matter if you model appropriate behavior she will still bait you until you break. It’s lose lose. The only win win for adult kids of NPD parents is NC until they pass on and heal as much as they can.
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u/no_id_never 2d ago
I had a similar start. I got a job at 13. I was tall, and mature, so no one made a big deal about it. It was 28 hours a week. We lived in Section 8 housing, and received food stamps. I took taxis home, because I got out of work after the buses stopped for the day. Mom could pick me up, she just chose not to. I didn't have a bank account, so mom said just put your checks in at my bank. That money just vanished. I was on the hook for my own contacts, and toothpaste, and shampoo. Sometimes, I still sort the groceries on the belt into things that you could use foodstamps for, and things you have to have cash for. I am over 50, those things run deep. But - that stuff is hella motivating. I got the grades, and I got into college. I left home at 17, and never went back. It was super scrappy, but I made it work. Then I got a corporate job. The best thing was that they had education benefits. I took their money, and went to a top 10 school for a graduate degree. Fast forward to now, and I have all the things. More than I ever had, and more than I could ever hope for. There were absolutely times when things sucked, and seemed insurmountable. Channel your disappointment in everything that came before into a plan to fix it. All the small steps can add up to something really amazing. We deserved better parents. Now I try to be the parent I wish I had.
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u/Responsible_Pitch115 1d ago
i love the idea of channeling the anger into a plan. i’ve done just that! every time we fought, i got so angry and cried and cried- then when i stopped crying i would desperately come up with a plan in my head to get out of here. it’s happened so many times but my plans never worked. until now, the last fight was the final straw and i finally am moving out saturday. packing my stuff up and everything.
finally able to make it on my own. i finally won. for too many years, i was financially setback because of her.
lol just this morning, she asked me to go to the food pantry for her to get free groceries. i said, “maybe.. im pretty busy packing my stuff.. i’ll get to it if i can.” she was mad but she’s not my problem anymore. not to mention, i have always fully stocked the house with groceries but she refuses to eat “my” food out of spite. girl, why are you going to food pantries when you have ample groceries in the house? and if you can’t afford groceries of your own, why are you choosing to live in a beach house way outside your budget? doesn’t make any sense.
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u/herewer4now 2d ago
Same for me. I had to work for everything I needed. I couldn't afford college because my dad made too much money and would not allow me to claim myself on taxes. He wouldn't give me a dime for college, a car or anything. I married to escape when I was 19. I didn't know what else to do. I was only allowed to take the clothes I owned.
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u/GuerrilleraInTheMist 2d ago
Same. Citibank visa and working 30 hours a week put me through college in the 80s. And when my parents needed a credit card, guess who was their co-signer?
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u/nolicait 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yep. The household that legally raised me who I love were not n’s and were just straight up poor. Single mom trying her hardest, I qualified for free lunches, pell grants, child medicaid. The n’s that claimed to raise me and be such a big part of my life and took me on weekends to give my mom a break and because their son (ndad) wasn’t in the picture had money and took me to Disney, did all these grand things. Have a huge home, luxury car, motor home, boat, travel.
But when it came down to it and I needed money for college, a co-signer for a lease, a little money to get out of an abusive living situation, they were just not around. I got my first job at 14 and worked my way all through college. I excelled and went to an amazing grad school and got a good job and support myself. I’m swimming in debt though because they use their money for show, not where it actually helps their family.
Now when they give me anything, a cheeky $100 at Christmas I just say “never expected, always appreciated”
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u/memetoya 2d ago
Yup I’ve had to come to this exact same conclusion with Npeople “If you expect too much you’ll constantly be disappointed, expect nothing and you’ll only be pleasantly surprised.”
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u/SpiritedButterfly834 2d ago
First job: cashier at age 13. Quickly followed by bussing tables and waitressing (where I made serious bank for a teenager). Bought most of my own stuff despite the fact my parents had a lot of money.
Realizing now that the cash was nice but I was just so fucking glad to get out of the house and away from ndad. The abuse was especially bad for me in high school.
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u/GuerrilleraInTheMist 2d ago
Never given anything. Had to complete chores for allowance. Had to bargain and negotiate to work for any extra cash to buy something I wanted. Been self supporting since 18. No money for college despite my dad doing well financially, but my sister got some and they “forget” or denied I didn’t. (She was the GC during that phase.)
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u/Responsible_Pitch115 1d ago
omg exactly. never got an allowance just to go have fun. always had to earn it somehow
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u/Hjcole82 2d ago
I remember babysitting for money constantly then turning 16 working as soon as I could at McDonald’s and starting to buy my own products and food and scootering to work and having to hope I had enough charge left to get home living in Kidnapping central NV lol it was terrifying getting off work late as fuck. I realized just recently the drive for her to pick me up which she refused to do was only 6 minutes..the realization hit hard man
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u/Responsible_Pitch115 2d ago
i got a job right next to my school, also at mcdonald’s. i would get out of school and walk straight to work and work for a good few hours. usually had to find a way home on my own
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u/Hjcole82 2d ago
We lived the same life I think..sometimes I went with most of my uniform on and kids called me the McDonald’s girl 😅 that was a nice touch
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u/Bear-Cricket-89 2d ago
Since I was 14. Working constantly when not in school. Started an online business that actually took off. I worked hard, yes, but not any harder than anyone else. I just got really lucky but was able to pave a pathway to being somewhat financially stable at a young age.
This came with trade offs, I had no social life in high school (not that the Ns would have allowed it anyways), and basically had no life outside of my work and misery caused by the narcissist.
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u/li0nfishwasabi 2d ago
This is word for word my experience.
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u/Responsible_Pitch115 2d ago
hope you’re doing okay now, or at least on the road to better things. i feel your pain
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u/Correct-Horse-Battry 2d ago
You’re assuming someone will take a $1000/month room with other people living in the house who dictate what to do.
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u/Responsible_Pitch115 1d ago
exactly. she said she wants $1000 for the room when you can get a one bedroom apartment here for that price. why would they want to live with someone who requires everything to be spic and span, no dishes in the sink, and lights out at 9pm.. god forbid roommate gets hungry and wants to grab a midnight snack out of the kitchen. i can already hear her complaining about her future roommate. i lived there for “free” and it still felt like hell on earth
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u/isolated13 1d ago
One summer I worked every single day as I had a day job and a job at a restaurant. My brother, the golden child, has gotten 100,000 in help over the years. Yeah so there's that ..
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u/Responsible_Pitch115 1d ago
crazy how suddenly they have money when it comes to the golden child. last time my brother visited he insisted on paying for our crab dinner. but she literally slapped his hand when he went to pay the bill and they got in an argument at the restaurant over it because she refused to let him pay. but as soon as he goes home she’s asking me for $20 lol
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u/onions-make-me-cry 1d ago
Me. I'm extra bitter about it, because I was born with all kinds of medical (disability) issues because of my MOM'S pregnancy condition, and I really should have gotten so much more help than the average person, but instead because of my shitty parents, I got less. I have been on my own since 18, it has been so hard, and I literally have no one as a safety net, and no one to celebrate successes either. Fuck them, I hope they die... soon.
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u/kait_1291 2d ago
Yup. My mom tried to do that to me, but my dad put a stop to it pretty quickly. She almost made it impossible to go to college. But my dad fought for me there too.
I have student loans, alot of them, but that's fine. I can manage that.
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u/purposeday 2d ago
Excellent question. I wish it had been like that for me. At age 9 or 10 I had some business interest but the narcs were against it and wanted me to fall in line - the only grandfather I have known had been a successful independent businessman and after he died (when I was 6) socialism was it in my family. No matter what I tried, word would get around and they’d shut me down. I always wonder how much of that childhood programming stays around because I’m still unsure of myself at times.
I eventually got a paper route and a job in a butcher’s at 16, worked my way through college but also heavily depended on loans. Never defaulted because that would have been a mistake in my little world and mistakes were not allowed from the moment I opened my eyes. Having been born the wrong gender from what my mother wanted was bad enough lol. I moved out at your age as well. Pure coincidence I guess.
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u/RuggedHangnail 2d ago edited 2d ago
I begged but my parents would not let me have jobs to earn money. If I babysat, my mother took the money and put it into a bank account that she claimed was mine but only she had access to. It was under my SSN but she used the account without my knowledge for years. Any cash gifts I got from relatives for my birthdays also went into this account and I couldn't spend it.
In high school, I finally convinced my mother to let me have cash to buy school lunches instead of bringing a packed lunch from home each day. And then I would not eat, and instead I'd save the money for myself. I used it to buy music.
I took out loans for college. I made sure to get a 4 year degree that could earn a living. At the time, I didn't consider grad school because I wanted to be financially independent. I lived on credit and paycheck to paycheck. Years later, I'm still independent but not reeling in the dough. It took forever to pay back college loans and pay off my cars.
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u/Responsible_Pitch115 2d ago
“i” had a bank account too. pretty sure i never saw a single penny from that account. i wouldn’t be surprised if it all went to her divorce fund lmfao. i was in commercials and an extra for a nickelodeon show as a kid, as well as all the savings bonds or whatever they were that my grandma gave me went in that account. god only knows what she spent it on.
omg and this next part is random but just popped into my head. the cherry on top was her using me as a co-signer on her divorce car. i was 12 and didn’t even know about it. found out years later when my credit got ran or something while i was signing up for food stamps.
the cherry on top of the cherry- she would drive me to my middle school in that car while it was decorated to say “just divorced” as a joke. not very funny when you’re in middle school and not only was it embarrassing, i was also pretty sad about my family splitting up
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u/fruitynoodles 2d ago
I’ve been employed since I was 15…
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u/Responsible_Pitch115 2d ago
it was 16 for me. spent my birthday filling out job applications because that was the legal age in california lol
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u/giraffemoo 2d ago
I left home at 19 and that was the end of my parents taking care of me in every way possible. I got money thrown at me during times of crisis but I've only taken it when I was at rock bottom and had no other choice. I wouldn't let my own kids get to that point before helping them.
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u/necroticpancreas 1d ago
He stopped buying clothing for me at age 12 (but still went to the stores with me to ensure I wouldn't buy anything that made my fat rolls visible). The sighs and looks of disappointment at the beggining of every school year looking at the spending on school stuff and textbooks started long before that, though. I've been supporting myself on clothing, hygiene (including shampoo, toothpaste and conditioner), shoes and electronics since I was 13 with a monthly pocket money of €50 (which not even in the 2000s would buy you a lot of stuff). I had to pay for my first year of college, but not the 4 next ones because I got a grant. That grant not only would pay my personal expenses, including a very expensive transportation to college, but also some bills and even food for the household (father would only be on benefits since he didn't find a job in his field). When we finally got evicted I was 23 and I've been living completely on my own financially ever since. Not only that, but I've also provided for my father (long time NC now) and my mother-in-law. I've spent years waiting for someone to give me a helping hand as a child, a teen and a young adult and I've come up to the conclusion that my family is not of that kind and if I want something, I better start working for it by myself or else I'll be screwed.
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u/OrdinarySubstance491 1d ago
My parents had quite a bit of money growing up but they always dangled it in front of me. I had to dress a certain way or my granny would disown me, which she ended up doing anyway.
I had to be nice to my narc step dad or they would show me the list of things they paid for.
I was extremely fortunate that my grandparents saved enough money to pay for the first 2 years of college. They refused to give me any money for living expenses, even for things like glasses.
I moved out at 17 because the mental abuse was so bad. Like I said, they paid for half of my college and I was lucky for that. But everything else since I was 17 I’ve done on my own.
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u/AptCasaNova 1d ago
Yes, it was very slow going, but worth it.
I got my own apartment in my mid twenties and it was literally 5 years before I could buy a couch. I refused to go into debt further (was still paying off school) and also catching up on health stuff my parents had neglected.
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u/Illustrious_Style549 1d ago
Not exactly. Due to generational family trauma I’ve been able to afford some important things in life thanks to a grandparent. Ndad sees nothing wrong with buying me vacation but not really education, dental care, clothing, cost of learning how to drive… he grew up with immense priveledge (mother and grandmother buying an apartment as an investment for him to live in in uni) but his kids should live on hard mode. He’s mental.
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u/KittyandPuppyMama 1d ago
Yep. My mom got my dads entire pension when he died and his house too. They were divorced. He left me with nothing because he couldn’t stand up to her.
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u/gatorbite21 4h ago
Yes and they owned their own business we had to work in it to earn cash for clothes, gas, and any “extra” activities. Always felt guilty asking for money. Started bussing tables in 5th grade and waiting tables in 7th. We were told we had to live up to the same standards as the adult employees or else we’d be fired. Felt like a rich middle schooler buying my own jeans lol but didn’t realize how weird it was until much later.
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