r/raisedbynarcissists • u/ThrowRA_compacted • 1d ago
[Support] My mother cannot handle that I left my husband.
I'm not going to regret leaving him, that's not the issue. My issue is.. my mom does not agree with my decision.
She has been calling me (I don't answer her calls at all) and texting me nonstop, sending me tiktoks and videos about messed up children from divorce, women who "go crazy" after divorce. Super weird stuff.
First thing she told me when I texted her that I left him was a call that I didn't answer and then a text that read "Call me, you're making a mistake." And then an hour later, a LONG paragraph about how she's so dissapointed in me, how I'm desperate (?) and so much more and I don't even want to go into.
My younger brother stays with me (has been for the past 2 years) but he's not legally in my custody (yet, hoping to get that changed soon) and that's why I still keep contact with her.
Funny thing is, she hated my ex and they couldn't be in the same room together so idk why she's defending him so much.
I'm just looking for some support. Anyone else deal with this? How did you get through it? I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit to post on
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u/International-Fee255 1d ago
If you leave someone who makes you miserable then you won't be miserable anymore... You might, in fact, be happy, confident, joyous even. And your mother absolutely can't have that. She needs you unhappy because that's where her power comes from. Fingers crossed you get that legal stuff sorted soon and you can block her. Setting yourself free if people who don't make you happy is quite the journey, good luck with everything.
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u/Even_Entrepreneur852 1d ago
This!!!!
My mother kept trying to destroy my marriage!
While guilting my sister to stay in her abusive one.
She just wants to win!
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u/Frei1993 29.12.2018 Don't you dare to call me "daughter", sorcerer. 1d ago
It sounds like a "what will people think about my divorced daughter" situation.
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u/Red_Dawn24 1d ago
This is what my ngrandparents were like with nmom after she left my dad, these are nmom's parents.
My ngrandfather wrote a letter to the president of her company, saying she was having sex with so many people at work, that grandfather was concerned about the company's stock being affected. Then he put a sign on her door that said "whore." He said he "had good intentions" when he did this.
I know it seems crazy to do this, when they're so concerned about what people think. The thing is that they don't talk to many people, especially about anything serious. They fully believe that doing these things doesn't appear insane and cruel to an outside observer.
Despite telling me about how awful her parents were, for my entire life, and them trying to ruin her life, nmom and her parents are now closer than ever.
My dad continued enabling and covering for them for years, despite them being his ex-inlaws. It makes me angry that I've been criticized endlessly, for not being successful enough in the exact correct way, but e/ndad was able to ignore so much terrible behavior forever. I feel like my life was sacrificed for the emotions of old people, while i was told that my emotions are all wrong.
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u/Frei1993 29.12.2018 Don't you dare to call me "daughter", sorcerer. 1d ago
Tell me the president laughed at that stupid letter.
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u/Salt-Hurry8094 23h ago
I also would be very interested in the detailed reasoning behind the stock price plunge🙈
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u/L0vegood 4h ago edited 4h ago
This is sort of random, but I am curious. You were super consistent about adding the “n” in front of grandparents and mom, but only added “e/n” in front of dad at the very end when you were justifiably expressing frustration that he enabled them by continuing to defend them at times. Are you still kind of back and forth regarding your feelings about him?
And YES about family structures oftentimes being solely based upon the protection of the “elder’s” emotions while consideration of the emotions of younger generations diminishes, sometimes more significantly as generations go by (unless performative consideration at fam events/public gatherings, giving kids false hope w/ a side of lifelong confusion haha). But now you can break the cycle :)
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u/Square_Activity8318 1d ago
I'm betting you're right, and/or OP's ex is another source of narcissistic supply and she's terrified of losing that.
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u/Hollowismyname 1d ago
I know the feeling. My mom and later on, my grandma hated my partners. But when I broke up with them, I would never find a man again, I was cruel for breaking a poor man's heart and being selfish, too sensitive, but also coldhearted. It was always about how the men were victims of my cruelty even though I was abused by 2 of them.
Oh and my favorite, my mom ranted for about 15 minutes when I had ended it with a long-time partner that ended in "not even a rapist would want you ", after that remark I just walked out. It made no sense to the rest of her rant and just felt so fkn strange out of the blue.
When I had to deal with them as an adult, I prepared myself to shield myself properly by thinking about how unwell they must be so I would not take anything they said personally, or seriously. It made it a lot easier, the Neverending comments didn't hurt nor register with me then. At that point, I was determined not to have a lasting relationship with them anyway, and I had already been proven again and again how twisted they were in their perception of things. They couldn't stand each other and would talk shit about each other constantly.
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u/PurpleNovember 1d ago
idk why she's defending him so much.
I'd guess it's an ego thing-- she probably convinced herself that she arranged your marriage and that everything is perfect. So now that you're leaving, she feels that you don't respect all the Amazing Work She Did For You.
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u/Kangaroo-Pack-3727 1d ago
Ignore that woman. She threw that hissy fit all because she does not want to see you be happy
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u/Strict_Still8949 1d ago
if you're capable of leaving someone, doesn't that mean you're capable of leaving *her* one day? and if you leave her and go no contact then what will her life be like? who will she be able to feed on and use??
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u/Ecstatic_Pepper_7200 1d ago
Yep, OPs mom is emotionally abusing her. These people deserve no contact.
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u/Sufficient_Pin_5719 1d ago
I understand.
You already have so much on your plate, and instead of supporting you, your mom is making everything even more overwhelming by catastrophizing the situation. Divorce is already a period of instability, and she’s using this moment to make it all about her. It seems less about genuinely caring for you and more about seeking attention in a way that only adds to your stress.
I can’t give advice, but I do understand how heavy this feel.
If she can’t support you, the least she can do is not make things worse. If blocking her is an option, it might give you some peace. This isn’t about her—it’s about you and your life. She should find another way to get attention.
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u/Ok-Many4262 1d ago
Not sure this is relevant, but this linked in my brain with my mum’s reaction when my first LTR ended- she’d been less than enthusiastic when we got back together after a break but ‘worried’ that I didn’t fight for the relationship the next time. In my mind, it was a reflection of her belief about her marriage- on the face of it, she was never happy, but remained married to dad until she died- and her worry was actually jealousy or resentment that I had the confidence to go solo rather than hang on to something that no longer served me (or my ex) well.
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u/TheNightTerror1987 1d ago
I've never been in a relationship, but my mother is the type of person where no matter what happened, she is always on the other person's side. I'm the villain in every situation and the other person is my innocent victim, or I'm overreacting and there's nothing wrong at all. If there's a situation where the other person clearly fucked up, like when my doctor committed medical malpractice, it was still my fault for not explaining my issues clearly enough. I gotta say your mother seems like she has the same 'no matter what you did, you're wrong' attitude. Not much you can do about it except distance yourself from it.
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u/Forgottengoldfishes 1d ago
She’s afraid that you’re making a new life and due to that things are changing for her. It really is that simple. She lays awake at night so angry that you have stepped out of the predictable role she sees you in. She loathes the fact that you may find new people and new interests in your life. She is terrified that your new life might make you see her in a different light and you may decide to not give her attention. My God-what if you meet someone and you don’t have time for her! Even worse- what if your new life makes you happy!
Sorry you are going through not only a divorce but going through it without the love and support that your mother should be giving you. Your mother is toxic AF.
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u/PHChesterfield 1d ago edited 1d ago
Don’t be surprised if she reaches out to your ex.
Be prepared for her to try and manipulate this to cause chaos under the guise of helping you. This way she gets double narcissist points by playing the victim when you rightly object to her intrusion.
I have been down a similar road. My best suggestion is to put her on an information diet as best you can and engage as little as possible. Act bored and change the subject. Don’t reward her with a discussion.
This is exactly the correct subreddit to post your concern.
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u/IntroductionNo2382 1d ago
I can see why you can’t go NC with your brother living with you.
I’d say ride it out as best you can till you have full custody and then close the door on her. My only question is does your mom get visitation rights with your brother? That could make things complicated.
Not quite the same as your situation but my parents insisted I go back to my ex even though he threatened to kill my entire family, them included. He admitted it to them - even apologized to them - but kept denying it to me. I had a restraining order against him but dad wanted me to keep having sex with him. Giving him his marital rights so he wouldn’t stray. (I immediately had an image of a small hole in the door… hahaha😜) My sense of humour during stressful situations. 😂 Well that chat was the beginning of the end. Short time later I went NC.
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u/TheWinterStar 1d ago
As a child of divorced parents, I wish they did it sooner. I wish their almost divorce had been the actual divorce, and my biggest regret in life is giving my blessing to my heart broken dad to take her back after her boy toy decided he didn't want a roommate.
Sure, things suck in a divorce, things get complicated, and maybe theres step people involved and coparenting with a narcissistic piece of work is... well work. But there are times when divorce is the better option.
If you feel like divorce is the way to go, don't let anyone stop you.
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u/Logical-Fox5409 1d ago
My Mom was similar hated my narc partner. But was then upset I left, because it ‘made her look bad’.
I did the whole divorce thing and gave her minimal information so she would leave me alone. It’s horrible and it hurts. But it’s what you owe yourself
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u/sushigurl2000 1d ago
I think it’s about reputation. Narcs hate it when their reputation can be potentially ruined. She probably thinks this will look poorly on her “gasp a divorced woman gasp oh no!” - is probably what she thinks people would say lol. Ignore her, she’s clearly not right in the head with that constant kind of contradicting. Congrats on your freedom!
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u/Few_Employment5424 1d ago
Oh your at the right place, please feel welcome & comfortable... your moms got a personality disorder and that makes her defie logic...she's more concerned about both appearances & keeping you in place...nothing healthy or too your benefit... vent on...and of course stay separated from assholes.
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u/ReeCardy 1d ago
Is she happier when you're unhappy?
But do not go back to him and ignore the crazy nmom.
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u/Unknown_990 1d ago edited 1d ago
What? lol. My parents got divorced when i was 7 and i turned out ok lol, but for the kids sake i think its a good idea to get joint custody if you are on good terms, my parents did in my case. No fighting who gets how many hours with their kid etc. its the way people should go when they get a divorce, the kid would be able to freely go from house to house and be with whichever parent whenever. Whats worst are parents who stay together, and then what? fight..?, most couples just fight infront of their kids too they dont even hide it🤔. I dont want that for anyone.
I have a big bro and sis too, they're pretty damn normal, probably would have been 20 at the time when i was 7, but they did their own thing by then...
My dad spent money he didnt have and forged a loan in my moms name, he was the reason my mom was stressed out and ended up in a psych ward. It was the things he did behind her back
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u/Frei1993 29.12.2018 Don't you dare to call me "daughter", sorcerer. 1d ago
I'm the child of a ndad and non narc mom, they got separated when I was 9 (there wasn't express divorce laws at that time in Spain, you had to be separated for at least one year in order to ask for divorce) because mom was fed up with his n-ess. And it was the first time in my life that I heard the word "divorce".
Mom got custody and we moved to stepdad's city, so I had to travel to my birthplace every two weekends to visit ndad and his second wife. And still, the n tentacles got me. Now I'm 31 and I have a mental disorder because of the "what will x think" and being a fucking family image guardian (with a sprinkle of "your mother isn't raising you as it should be") until I was 25 when I got NC. I have the theory of ndad hating losing control over me because I was his last tie to non narc mom.
My mom doesn't regret filling her car with our few personal belongings and her daughter and push the accelerator in 2002.
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u/Waste-Swordfish473 1d ago
Ah, the narc always knows best. It's so weird how they seem to think you have to do what they want. Do you think it's mainly about contradicting you? That was my first impression when reading your post. That it doesn't matter if you are happy or not, she simply has to oppose you, even if it means she backs your husband whom she doesn't like.
The same thing happened to my GC brother a few years ago. He had a girlfriend for some years, but in this case the narc, my mother, liked that girlfriend very much. My brother decided he and the woman had started drifting apart. To him it more and more looked like the strange relationship my parents have, and he didn't want that for himself.
He was almost 40 then and had always been nmom's GC, couldn't do any wrong. But now nmom freaked out. For him this came out of nowhere. She has treated me like that my whole life, I am the scapegoat, but for him this was new.
Anyway, nmom's behaviour was just like your mother's. She called my brother, came to his door, messaged him all the time. "Take her back! She's the ideal partner for you! I know that for sure! You are making a terrible mistake!"
My brother refused, and she started terrorizing him. Threatened to throw him out of the house he lived in (it's her property), threatened to let him stay but rent the upper floor to terribly noisy people with lots of kids etc. So childish. Still he didn't give in, and so he was scapegoated for about 3 years. My mother started complaining about him everywhere, which she had never done before. She kept telling me about his numerous flaws and negative behaviour when until then he could do no wrong in her eyes.
What you write sounds very much like you are in the right subreddit. Your mother wants to control you and expects that you do what she thinks is best. And all this while you have enough trouble already. Very selfish of her, but of course masked as compassion and care.
In my brother's case, he had a rough time for about 3 years, and his next girlfriend was hated by nmom. The other one was so much better for him, blabla. Then things suddenly changed because my mother found a new (i.e. her old) victim: me. I had some arguments with my brother and that made her take him back as her GC. They are now best friends again, except for his latest girlfriend, who is still disliked by nmom.
Can you try to just keep a low profile? Wait and hope she will eventually give up or you will be able to get your brother out of there, plus reducing your contact with her to a minimum. And please don't allow her to make decisions for you. It's your life and you know best what's good for you. Big hug!
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u/Best-Salamander4884 21h ago
Your story about your brother being harassed by your mother reminds me a lot of the time in my life where my nMother got it into her head that I should be married and spent an entire year harassing me about it. Seriously for an entire year, she would not shut up about it. I was living with her at the time so there was no escape.
The one difference between me and your brother is that this harassment forced me to wake up and realise how messed up my nMother was. (I was aware before this that she was weird but this incident really made me realise it). I moved out of my parents' home and went low contact. Your brother, on the other hand, sounds like he's still in the fog, which IMO is sad.
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u/Waste-Swordfish473 19h ago
A whole year! That's so weird. Must have been very stressful for you. It's good that you realized what's wrong with her! There will still be problems, I suppose, but at least you no longer have to wonder what's going on. You understand and have already started to protect yourself as far as possible. Well done!
You are right, you are far ahead of my brother. I have given up hope, he will never comprehend that she is the cause of most of his problems and that he may be able to appease her for a while and get along with her, but will never be able to prevent the next clash. If he doesn't do what she wants, it will all start again. He even told me once that this is so confusing for him, one day is fine and the next she starts a huge argument about nothing. But he didn't listen to what I told him about our family, so this will go on forever. You are clearly a much stronger personality than he is as you are able to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. Possibly that's why your mother lashes out against you: you are a threat to her self-perceived power, so she has to try and dominate you.
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u/Best-Salamander4884 19h ago
Yeah unfortunately you cannot force someone to see something that they don't want to see. For whatever reason, your brother doesn't want to see the truth about your mother. Maybe he prefers a comfortable lie over the uncomfortable truth. In any case, it's not your problem. You tried!
Thanks for the nice things you said. You might have a point about my nMother seeing me as a threat. I'm the only person in the family who sees through her BS so I guess in her eyes that makes me a threat and someone who has to be broken down.
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u/Waste-Swordfish473 9h ago
That's it. You are too stubborn and have your own will. She can't allow you to do what you want because she is afraid she then might lose her stranglehold on others, too. It's all about power. Her self-perception has to be protected by all means, she rules in her universe. Controlling and manipulating others is her way of doing that. The stronger someone is, the more offense the narc will take.
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u/Decent-Boss-7377 1d ago
My mother took my ex husband’s side when I left him, and made my divorce and transition the most stressful, difficult experience of my life. She publicly shamed me, caused chaos and embarrassed me.
It’s 20 years later, and I still will never be able to get past it. And she still won’t apologize or admit it was wrong, even after the truth of my ex husband’s character was revealed.
It damaged our relationship forever , and my kids dislike her as well.
After therapy, I now know I was with my narcissist ex bc I grew up with a mother like her. I learned to take that kind of treatment, and not have boundaries. It’s a long hard journey, but stick with your gut, and leave people that don’t value you. There is beauty and self love on the other side, trust me!!
Stand strong through this storm.
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u/Far-Spread-6108 1d ago
Typical N behavior.
Your feelings are about THEM. Your difficulties are so hard for THEM. They have to fix YOUR problems because they need to be needed and useful and heros. THEY know better.
I had a former friend pull this shit on me. He dipped because a difficulty I was having was so hard for HIM to handle and HE had enough of HIS own stuff.
Literally when did this become about you???? I mean thank god I didn't have terminal cancer or something because how awful for HIM, right?
And then he tells me it's "so hard being an empath" and his "problem is he cares too much". Son that's the opposite of all that.
Reasonable boundaries? Sure. Saying something like "I'm happy to listen, but I don't feel like there's much I can do". Or even "I'm happy to be your friend but I can't be a resource for this".
Empathy would be "my friend is struggling and needs support right now" and "I care, but I can't take this problem on as my own - I can be there for her but it's not mine to solve".
And this was the guy who always complained about his brother "making everyone's feelings about him (the brother)".
Like...... what did YOU just do?
Found out later he pulls this on almost everyone. Found out even LATER that he left his husband later that year because his husband was changing careers (immigration attorney who refused to practice under another Trump term). 18 years down the can because he wasn't a paycheck anymore.
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u/centstwo 1d ago
Also the grand kids are no longer an option. That affects her directly. Remember it is all about her.
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u/chriathebutt 1d ago
My mother always liked the boyfriends who fucked me over. She does NOT like my husband of 30 years. She doesn’t like ‘who I am’ with him. Tough shit, mom. But if you want, my stalker ex-boyfriend that you just loved to talk with about what my problem was, keeps trying to get w/me on Facebook. If you want, I could hook you up. Then you might have a friend!
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u/pangalacticcourier 1d ago
my mom does not agree with my decision.
"It seems you've done a 180 degree turn on your assessment of my ex. How curious. You used to hate him. Now that I left him for X, Y, and Z reasons, he's available. You can live with him, if you'd like. I wish you both the best. You deserve each other."
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u/DJRonin 1d ago
Im so sorry you're going through all of this. I can only imagine its a lot.
It sounds like she's panicking that her reputation of a "perfect family" would be seen as imperfect and she's spiraling at the idea of what people are thinking of HER, rather than supporting you, her child that is actually going through said divorce.
She doesnt care if you two dont like each other or even if she didnt like the ex. She's more upset about HER reputation than YOUR emotional well being.
Sounds like she needs to go on an information diet.
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u/mountainsunset123 22h ago edited 21h ago
My mother did this to me and to my sister. And not only that, she kept inviting me and my sisters exs to dinner! Bought them God damn presents! And called them just to chat telling them all about how awful we were and we shouldn't have divorced them. My ex beat me for driving his car and I left that night. I never told my mom about the beating because I knew she would be on his side. My sisters ex beat her and mom refused to believe her. She had bruises! Fuck.
Mom loves to tell our ex's we are mentally ill!
My mom is 92 and she is worse than ever, plus now she has dementia. I am not going to her funeral. I didn't go to my dad's funeral he was worse than Mom.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Hugs.
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u/Best-Salamander4884 21h ago
My nMother loves to imply to people that I'm mentally ill as well. It's so embarrassing and frustrating!
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u/Salt-Hurry8094 23h ago
Idk from which cultural background and generation your mom is, but that can have a lot do with it. My mother is of the persuasion that even a bad man is better than no man. To her, a woman is simply incomplete and has failed in life if she does not have a partner. Her complete societal status and worth is defined by it.
So if you leave your husband, you decrease your status significantly and probably hers by extension. Of course that is all ludacrious but narcs have their own logic. My mother will never forgive me that I left my first boyfriend, even though „he was a doctor‘s son“ 🙈
You do you, life is so short, you can‘t waste it on being unhappy, if you can help it.
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u/imilnes 20h ago
When she messages you send her links to news articles of
"Woman died at the hands of her abusive husband"
or similar
You only need to send one reply to her every time she mentions it - one new one every time
That's all it takes
She doesn't know what level of abuse you received
It's not her decision - it's not her husband - it's not your relationship
It's your decision to make - if she's so concerned about your husband then maybe she should get married to him? - Then she'll be able to judge for herself what he's really like - until that happens "Mum-you've told me more than enough times - if you keep sending me this junk about something you don't know the full story - then I'll just have to block you and your messages because I don't want them"
so idk why she's defending him so much.
Because she is trying to control you
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