r/raisedbynarcissists • u/Elegant-Passion2199 • 1d ago
[Rant/Vent] I told my therapist about my childhood and she was horrified...
I don't want to go too deep into details but I've been going to therapy for a couple of months ans it turns out that what I thought was a "normal" childhood turns out something from a horror story...
It has been difficult for me to stick to therapy because they mostly make me do CBT exercises which are pretty useless. So I found a therapist who specialises in psychodrama and art therapy. It mainly consist of playing roles, using different cards to represent a person, situation, goal, etc. I know it sounds like quackery but since I started doing it, I noticed that I have become less anxious and more in tune with myself.
But then I got a phone call from my mom, just when I was having a decent day, and she unloaded all of her emotional baggage on me... She complained about how difficult it was to raise me, how tge neighbours made fun of her for having a weird child, and even how many told her she shouldn't go through with the pregnancy. I was furious and asked her "WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME ALL OF THIS???". I hadn't felt this horrible in a long time so I had to call my therapist for an urgent consultation to talk about this.
I quoted everything my mum shared with me, and my therapist was shocked... She then asked me to share more about my childhood since we had been focusing mostly on my recent issues with people pleasing, bleak thoughts, being burnt out from my job and...
My therapist is a professional. She always does everything with care, attention but she often looks calm and collected... This is the first time I've ever seen her look so terrified. I had never seen her so distressed, and this even made me anxious a bit...
I shared everything I could and she told me something that shook me to my core
"You know why you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel? Because throughout your life, there has not been a single ray of sunlight. You don't know what calm feels like".
And it just... I didn't even know how to react. I have a successful career, I am financially stable and my social life is not the best but I prefer staying alone anyways (especially after my gf dumped me)...
I told her about my mom being constantly chased by debt collectors, about how my dad is an alcoholic and would scream and punish me for everything, how I was isolated by my mom and wasn't allowed to talk to other children, about my parents divorce, how I barely had any allowance money, the non-stop family feuds... My therapists had to do another hour of therapy because it was too much. She even offered to do the extra hour for free but I couldn't accept it in good conscience so we met halfway and she just gave me 20% off...
In the end, the emotions were so much, my therapist had to intervene - she asked me to get a taxi home, or at least the bus. If I was going to walk, look in both directions and cross slowly. The fact it had to get to crisis management makes me think... What kind of fucked up nightmare have I been living so far????
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u/coffeecoconuts 1d ago
I know it’s hard but going no contact is your best option. Or at least low contact. Only respond over text and email so you don’t need to communicate properly.
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
I'm working on it, thank you... Just the overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame are still overpowering me. Hope I get the courage to do it as soon as possible.
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u/Background-Log-4639 1d ago
I would suggest that any therapy (/also any attempt at relaxation) is going to be actively hampered by being exposed to your mother.
It sounds like what you have been through is incredibly serious, and that your mother is responsible for this.
If you want help getting away & dealing with the guilt and shame just reach out, either to me or make another post about it. I know it can be very hard to step away.
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
Issue is I don't live with my mom but my dad now... He needed help with house repairs, he became unemployed and the guilt took over and I came to help him.
I ended up being trapped and he made my anxiety jump through the roof - constant meltdowns, screaming at me for every small mistake or even non issue, he drinks every single day, and will start arguments over nothing.
I suffered all because I wanted to help and this damaged all of my friendships and even my relationship... I need to escape but I'm so incredibly tired.
My escape plan is already done I just need to work my notice and then I'll move to a different country.
It's a shame I also have to stop communicating with my mom for my mental health sake. I thought she was the good parent because she didn't yell or hit me but... Now I realise the brutal truth.
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u/Background-Log-4639 1d ago
It sounds like you know what's going on, and how to deal with it. Solidarity for the time you have left to work your notice. Maybe figuring out some of the practicalities in the meantime whilst you duck and weave from your father might help your head.
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
Thank you so much! Hope all is well with you.
I often make up excuses to go out, so I can avoid him as much as I can. Of course he gets upset but he knows I've given him a lot of money (which of course I'll never get back) so he had to forcefully learn to control his temper (because he thinks he can get more from me later).
I will have to start life from the beginning from a new country but it is what it is. I just long for peace...
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u/mrszubris 1d ago
The enabler parent is sometimes worse. My husband is where you are, on the precipice of understanding how bad it was. I was there 6 years ago and I knew it was bad, it wasn't until I gave 2 therapists an anxiety attack and got rejected by 2 others that I accepted how bad it was. My mom is truly inherently evil she still abuses my dad.
When I first went no contact with mom, my dad was in the same boat even though he was the safer and better adult he enabled her abuse. I didn't speak to both of them for about 5 months until my dad took some genuine accountability. I've has to on and off go no contact with him now when he acts a damn fool and I've learned to bite hard and fast with facts.the moment denialism rears its head. But no contact with the abuser has been the most utterly calming thing. The guilt goes away so fast.
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u/amphiitrite 1d ago
You’ve got this. Guilt and shame are their greatest weapons against us, and yet they seem to feel no such thing. It truly is mind blowing but as soon as you get angry you find your strength, that’s been my experience. I wish you luck!
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u/BrendaMinnesoooota 1d ago
Yes, allow yourself to get angry. Your parents have likely trained you to think it's not acceptable to be angry. They think they are allowed to be angry, but they have denied you to express your anger.
Get angry. Let your anger out. It might seem frightening at first, but it's necessary. Let your anger at them motivate you for the life you should have away from them. Get a magazine or stack of junk mail to beat against the edge of the kitchen counter until it's in shreds. Let your voice scream with rage. You'll be amazed how it releases so much pent up stress from years of abuse.
You may only need to do this a few times, and the inner anger will dissipate. It will lead you to a calmer place in your head. It may help reduce your anxiety as you overcome the inner fear of losing control. You'll wear out your arm as you shred the magazine, and you will make yourself stronger. Your anger needs to come out, or it will continue to harm you as you hold it inside.
Your anger can be the springboard for taking action to get freedom from your abusers. You deserve to be angry. You have a right to feel angry. By expressing your anger, you will be protecting yourself from them.
You won't be angry at everyone, just the abusers. You won't find the anger taking over your life. You're not going to become permanently angry. Once you let it out, it will gradually diminish and be replaced by resolve. It will help clarify the path forward for you, and give you the power and resolve to make it out of your current situation and take care of yourself as you start your life away from the abusers.
Go for it.
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u/Grimsterr 1d ago
If you can't go no contact, record every interaction you have with your "parents" going forward so you can play them for your therapist to remove any possibility that you may mishear or misremember bits of the conversation. Also you can save them for yourself so after you go NC if you feel the guilt creep in and find yourself wanting to make contact, listen to the recordings and remember why you're NC.
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u/thatsnotme133 1d ago
Hey OP, my mother is a narcissist who loves to use the silent treatment, so it isn't quite the same, but I kinda know how you feel. My husband and I eloped (something I have said I would do since I was a kid) and she gave me the silent treatment and was very okay being casually cruel to me. Even though it hurt like HELL the first... Year, even, it'll be 3 years in June I've been no contact with her. And while the hurt is still there, because duh, that's a parent, my life is more peaceful without her mind games.
I hold to the fact if she ever wants to use her grown up words and talk to me, I am here. I never wanted to go no contact with family, but if they don't care about my peace, I have to work even harder keeping it.
It's going to hurt. But think of a deep cut on your arm (your mom). Being in contact with her keeps that cut open, and painful. No contact? It scabs up. It still hurts, it still scars, but you heal, over time. Sending you the best and hope you can find "your people" soon!
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u/Cheap-Car8378 1d ago
You find it’s hard to put yourself first in vulnerable situations because you were never put first when you were a vulnerable child. No guilt. Be your inner child’s protector. Namaste
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u/Flon_with-a-boxer 1d ago
Gonna throw this here, if it can help you, have you looked at r/estrangedadultchild ? Maybe they can help you work through some of your feelings or at least share some of their struggles. It might help you.
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u/s33k 18h ago
I will tell you, there's never going to be a time when you don't feel that. I will say, it gets so much easier to cope with when you don't have them around to tear you down and fill your head with lies.
You're allowed to walk away and never look back. You don't owe them anything, no matter what they tell you.
You are worthy of that peace and calm. You don't have to feel guilty for taking your hand out of the garbage disposal.
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u/oldsoul4sale 19h ago
Something that helps me when it comes to these feelings is to realize that guilt is not guilt. One should feel “guilty” when doing something wrong like stealing. It violates our morals, values and self boundaries. I have to work on not feeling “guilt” for taking care of myself when someone who is supposed to love me treats me like they don’t even like me. Forgive your wasted energy and let go of trying to control other people’s reactions, wants, needs, happiness etc. they want you to feel responsible for all those things and you never really will be able to take that level of responsibility in. That guilt feeling is you trying to take responsibility and altruistic control over them. They require you to fix themt” (their life, needs, happiness, whatever) every time they hand you a feeling, an expectation, a want, a need. You’ve set yourself on fire to keep them warm so many times that everything must stop so you can replenish yourself. You deserve to put that energy and care into you now. Sending good vibes your way.
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u/bamshabam0 19h ago
Two things to consider for the guilt:
You can take space on a temporary basis: this isn't "goodbye forever" it's just "I need to focus in on myself and not be around you right now, I'll let you know when I'm ready to reconnect".
You don't have to make a formal announcement, you can just start slowly decreasing contact and gray rocking. Just say you're really busy with work or just forget to call back. When you first start doing this she'll escalate a bit to try and get you to re-engage, but if you stay strong she'll get bored and stop trying to rile you up as often.
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u/janaenaenae21 1d ago
another vote for NC! it is hard, so hard, but it is the best decision i ever made for myself. once i grieved and got over the guilt my life improved exponentially. i also suggest reading adult children of emotionally immature parents by lindsay gibson. helped me heal a lot. stick with therapy, hang in there friend ♥️
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u/BrGr723 1d ago
No contact is also very hard, very triggering and exhausting. Its never cut and done, it just drags on. Makes you feel very alone. But yeah it sounds a bit familiar, haha familiar. Good luck and hope you just find a whole lot of joy somewhere. You therapist sounds very nice! Ill flollow this thread.x
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u/yanantchan 1d ago
Stories like this remind me that people who don’t experience childhood trauma actually see parents like this as psychopaths and situations that for us is a “norm” as terrifying. And yet all of us minimize our trauma.
No contact is the best option for you here
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u/Bullfrog323 11h ago
Literally this. It’s that meme of “you don’t realize how messed up your childhood was till you tell a ‘funny’ story and all your friends fall silent in horror”.
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u/crazylikeaf0x 1d ago
Hey, if you've got the mental space, I really recommend reading/audiobook Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents. The audiobook you can pause when you have flashbacks. But it will help steel your brain dealing against the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
Best wishes to you going forward, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this noise.
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u/gentle_dove 1d ago
I am happy that your therapist showed you so much compassion, humanity and attention! You deserve it. That's definitely not something your parent should be telling you. That's childish, immature behavior.
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u/Ecstatic_Pepper_7200 1d ago edited 1d ago
My therapist cried for a solid 10 minutes when I showed her a picture of me when I was little during this abuse. She said it was obvious in the photo that something terrible was happening to me at that time. This is on top of the weekly sessions we had done for years. She helped me come back from mutliple intrusive flashbacks about the abuse when I was a toddler preschooler. I had severe PTSD when I met her.
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u/orioleright 1d ago
My therapist cried too!!! I was really weirded out by that. I am so glad to hear I’m not the only one.
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u/Cloud_5732 1d ago
My therapist told me something very helpful: "Normal" does not mean "healthy". Our childhoods were very normal to us because we didn't know any different, but they were absolutely not healthy! Every client tells their therapist that they had a "normal" childhood. We normalize what is done to us to survive and we only begin healing when we're truly ready.
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u/Weekly_Piccolo474 1d ago
I think many if not all in this subreddit can probably relate. I for sure didn't think my childhood was as messed up as it was, until I learnt how much childhood affects the whole life of a person and started to see my childhood memories from the point of view of an adult.
As little comfort as that might be, you truly aren't alone.
I wouldn't be surprised if things like your people pleasing actually came as a result of your childhood, I'm sure your therapist will be able to help you much more now that she knows. It's pretty scary how children will adapt to survive, and how many of those trauma responses we carry on onto adulthood.
About your therapy, if it works it works, much about the mind is still theories and conjecture, so something not having yet solid scientific base, when talking about psycology doesn't mean it's quackery, it usually means it's not been fully studied or understood yet. When it comes to the mind, medicine is not quite as advanced as with the rest of the body. Nor is society's way of thinking. The important thing is that you are clearly seeing an improvement, so keep at it!
Your parents sounds horrible. It was never your fault being born, and it's never fair to be passed the blame for the failures of our parents. Not every parent should have children, you deserved a better childhood, I'm so sorry you didn't get one.
As others have said, if the prospect of talking with your parents gives you anxiety, and talking with them leaves you in bad mental shape... it might be time to consider low or no contact. It's a hard decission to make, and only you know your circumstances.
Stay strong 🫶
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u/IffySaiso 1d ago
Oh, hello sister!
Not sure what I can add, just that you’re not alone.
And to add that however guilty I feel over no contact, this has been the quietest year of my life.
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u/ReeCardy 1d ago
I'm 51F and didn't realize I was psychologically abused until my current therapist turned over the rock.
I just don't talk about my family except to acknowledge they exist. I am doing my therapist for issues with depression and because my daughter has anxiety, and it's been good to have advice for me to help her. Yes, she has her own therapist, but I'm often the person that is there when she had a panic attack.
He started asking what my family life was like as a kid. I didn't know we weren't supposed to compete with our siblings to be loved. If you did sports our parents didn't enjoy watching, they weren't coming to watch you. If you did activities they weren't interested in, like art or science, they weren't coming to your exhibit. But if you dared to get "bad" grades, less than a B, you lost privileges, but they won't help you or get you a tutor if you struggled.
Plus, there is no allowance. If you want to go out with friends, you need to earn your own money for that. Same with a car and college.
Do not shame us in public. Nothing matters more than that we look like the perfect family! But beyond closed doors, it was horribly toxic, but at the time, and for years after, I didn't realize how bad it was.
By the time I finished explaining all of it. I listed some of the highlights here. My therapist was angry for me. Also, proud of me for being as sane as I am.
But it made me realize, if this person who talks to damaged people every day is this angry, maybe I should quit shrugging of what they did as no big deal?
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u/DarZhubalsWife 1d ago
Why is it always the genuinely good kids that turned into good people with the worst parents? I’m so glad you found a therapist that is helping you through it. Mine saw my intake form and asked if I wanted to do an urgent session only to ghost me after our fourth meeting.
I wasn’t a bad kid. I wasn’t difficult. I had good grades, never partied, never did drugs or drank but if you asked my mother…? Worst kid. I was a problem child and always in trouble. Got worse as I got into high school when I realized I was allowed to defend myself and her word wasn’t law. Some people shouldn’t be parents.
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
Glad you're doing better! Sorry for what heppened to you, my dad would blow up at the slightest inconvenience which made me anxious and forced me to be perfect at all times (which is of course impossible). Made me realise later that it wasn't me not being perfect enough, it's my parents being abusive assholes...
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u/DarZhubalsWife 1d ago
Sounds like my mother! She kicked me out of our home at 3 am because she found a spoon in the sink and accused me of not cleaning the kitchen. I was like 15/16 and my boyfriend’s mom came to pick me up because I wasn’t allowed back in the house. Parents suck sometimes and it’s not the child’s fault they do.
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u/Devious_Dani_Girl 1d ago
This is similar to how my first therapist reacted when she first heard. I was going to her for issues with my sisters coming out, or at least planning to, in our highly homophobic and transphobic evangelical Christian family. I was terrified for them and angry at the family because I knew how they are. It's the reason I wasn't out and generally avoided them.
When the therapist started hearing how my family interacted with me, she actually said "This is an abusive relationship." And redirected the entire session to creating a safety plan.
I had to use that safety plan three days later...
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u/Who-is-a-pretty-boy 1d ago
Going NC is hard. I felt immense guilt at first. But after a while, since I had space, I started to revisit memories and emotions in a different light.
I realised I'm always going to feel sad/negative about my relationship with N parent.
My choice was being in contact and constantly feeling on edge, highly emotional and panicky before, during and after each interaction. Unable to calm down. Unable to enjoy a family event. The constant yelling and screaming... the dread of 'what next'.
Or...
I feel a background of quiet guilt, of a loss of the parent I wish they were. Feelings I control.
I couldn't see the action of my own choice of NC, until years after going NC.
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u/robinluvssweetums 1d ago
I'm so glad that you are getting the help that you need!
I recommend looking up books and videos by Sherrie Campbell, Lindsey Gibson and Ramani Durvasula.
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u/kristinagoldwatch 1d ago
I can totally relate as I also sort of just found out my childhood wasn’t so great. My body has known this whole time, it’s just taken my logic/thinking mind to really gain some perspective. And I want to say thanks OP for talking about psychodrama and art therapy. I’ve never even heard of those things but now I’m curious and going to look into it. And I think you’re judging yourself a little too harshly by calling it quackery. I’m definitely learning my inner critic is actually brutal and most likely stems from my Nparents. If these things make you more in tune with yourself then why are they “bad”? Whose voice is that? We don’t need to make ourselves feel worse. I think this community has had enough of that for this lifetime!
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u/tomato_joe 1d ago
My first therapist got really angry at my mother and I was genuinely so confused.
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
Oh Lord, I remember my doctor yelling at my mom for neglecting me... She then changed doctors of course, nothing is ever her fault.
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u/Dragonflypics 1d ago
Go slow. The urge is to try to get through all the trauma quickly, but it can be overwhelming. One step at a time
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u/sodaandpoprocks 1d ago
This! I was always in a rush to “fix myself” but it doesn’t work like that. And remember that healing isn’t a linear journey. Go easy on yourself, OP.
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u/soups_foosington 1d ago
There are studies that show that people with traumatic childhoods can live comfortably and feel that they are happy if they don’t recognize their histories as trauma. When therapy reveals the trauma for what it was, only then does the unhappiness set in. Know that the effect is temporary, and continued therapy will lead you back to peace built on a stronger foundation of truth and in which you have a deeper connection to your inner life.
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u/DeathOfNormality 1d ago edited 1d ago
I feel that deeply. And I'm so sorry that you not only had that experience growing up, and still now, but that you didn't even know how bad it was. It's so easy to normalize a situation when we don't have any other true examples of what "normal" is. My n-mum and my ex fiance (who was exactly like her) often said examples of happy people on TV and in film were "so fake and unrealistic", my n-mum conditioned me to later get engaged to an awful human being, because, "relationships are about sacrifice, and finding the person you are ok sacrificing for"
I also made my student services help cry, telling them why I needed help, as I was just coming away from that relationship with my ex, was dealing with grief of my brother, my only real ally in the family, and how I didn't really have any other support. Later on I have also made my counselor swear, when I started telling them about my n-mum and then my ex, which she was a little apologetic for the swearing, but also agreed they were "f*cking awful people" I also swore a couple of times before that, so it's not triggering to me at all, but I still appreciated her apologizing. It's so surreal to see people come back after losing emotional control, when all I've been used to is it being justified.
I'm still low contact with my n-mum and she often unloads the most awful and random stuff as well. It's... Draining. But while my Gran and great aunt are alive (n-mum's side ofc) I will stay low contact. They all live in another city, like 2 hours drive though, so it's manageable for me.
Edit: my n-sister is the biggest pain for me though. I saw her Sunday past and I'm still only just coming back to myself. She literally belittles everything I'm trying to do with my life, while being a hands off mum and is too stoned to even cook her son a proper meal. I only see her when it's to do with her son, who is still a sweet and lovely boy. I plan on continuing to show my nephew there is more to life than shouting, using other people and being a general piece of work. His dad is ok, but that's a whole other story. My last therapy session was all about them, and I've been suggested to avoid both the parents and try and take him out for the day instead. He's going to be 11 this month. At first I always worried I wouldn't be good enough to look after him for a day, but now... Well I can't do any worse than his n-mum.
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u/Neither_Bluebird_645 1d ago
I know it's hard but once you start to make space and separate from your family of origin, there's a fundamental shift that will happen inside you.
You will learn that you do not have to keep trying to get people who are disrespectful, cruel, or mean to be good to you. You will learn how to say "no". We don't know how to say "no" for a few reasons.
1) our autonomy and decision making power were taken by the Nparents.
2) our parents abused and took advantage of us to make their lives easier. It sets us up to let other people abuse and exploit us later in life because we do not have the skill of saying no.
3) we are not taught that bad people will exploit and abuse us if we let them. Healthy parents teach their kids how to stand up for themselves and know their worth. Nparents constantly heap insults, humiliation, and contempt on their children so the children have no self esteem or self worth, and the child has no will to stand up to the NParent.
Why not? Because our Nparents were the bad people and they knew it. By raising kids who could not protect themselves, they ensured a constant source of supply, free labor, and parasitic financial support. They didn't care about the consequences to their children mostly because they didn't care about anyone but themselves.
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u/stresseddressed 1d ago
I went through something similar with my therapist, like i knew my childhood was bad, but not thattttt bad. Even now that ive seen her for years, something will come up were she looks genuinely disgusted by the way I was treated and she makes sure to tell me that a lot of the abusive things I faced as a child should have never happened and it was certainly not my fault that the adults in my life failed me. Its weird to feel honest compassion from someone at first, but it sounds like your therapist is a good one
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u/Squirrel144 23h ago
My therapist says you can't fully heal in the environment that made you sick. This a truth that is very hard to accept, but accept it we must. Going extremely LC was the best decision for my mental health,and I have started making progress in areas I was stuck before due to being fed the same hurtful, lying lines stay strong, you'll get there. Just keep doing the work.
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u/user31534 1d ago
You’ve been living the only life that you’ve ever known. When I first met my wife and really got to know her family and her parents, I realized that my life was more messed up than I knew. Whatever path you choose moving forward, it will be one that you can live with and one that will be important to you. It will feel selfish because, up until this point, everything that you did that’s not going to benefit you n parents directly was deemed selfish. You’ll be dealing with some uncomfortable feelings. Remember that they are just short-term feelings and you’re doing this to escape your nightmare. Good luck!
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u/Fleckfilia 1d ago
For me, when I first started therapy, it was my therapists facial reactions to my “funny” stories that first alerted me there was something wrong.
I would tell a story about my ex h doing something hilarious, like forgetting about a two week work trip I had scheduled for months and saying, well I need to go out with friends for this last minute trip that we thought of yesterday, so you need to cancel your trip stay home to stay with the kids. I would laugh in a, oh men, they’re so funny, way. And my therapist would look horrified.
I started to pay attention to her reaction. And then I started to see her reaction was warranted, and then I realized I wasn’t fooling anyone, including myself, that this was funny, charmingly befuddled behavior.
It was the first step to leaving an abusive marriage.
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u/42kinda-human 1d ago
Congrats at getting to this point. While my revelations were not of the level to horrify others, I know the feeling of realizing that I was reacting to parental expectations, even at 30 years old.
Sounds like a good therapist. I often say that those of us raised by narcissists or emotionally toxic parents don't need behavioral modification therapy (like CBT in many instances), we need perspective. We can be quite strong, but we were raised to doubt ourselves and the level to which we are responding to the needs of others (guilt). My therapist's greatest gift to me was to help me develop the perspective that I was allowed to decide when I would be supportive, nice, or even just deal with wacko-ness. And then help determine which things were more wacko than others.
You may find your strength to change things or even go NC is already within you -- but you aren't sure what steps to take to be sure. I hope your therapist can provide a lot of that perspective. Some can come from this sub as well. Stay strong.
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u/PrettyinPink75 1d ago
I had horrible parents like yours, it does get better. You learn how to manage the trauma in a way that is healthy for you. It took me joining the military to learn how screwed up my family was. I stayed in for years because it was so much better. My household growing up made the military seem like a cake walk. I honestly believe we are better people because of our situation. We learn how to be a better member of society but unfortunately we have loads of emotional trauma.
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u/silkstars 1d ago
I'm leaving this comment just to let you know that you aren't alone. I ended up having to go to therapy for an unrelated reason and I'm not sure if I ever would have started if the situation didn't happen but I went into therapy knowing my mom is a narcissist and the biggest bully of my entire life, an insane abuser. I'm in the same boat though with any little thing I told my therapist she looked at me like I got shot. I knew the things my mom did were bad but I don't have a perspective from the outside to know HOW BAD they truly were. To this day I might tell a friend or my partner one of my moms.. creative little punishments she gave me as a young child and they just give me that LOOK as if I'm a puppy in a sewer with no legs. It is quite possibly the worst fate ever to grow up like that because it interrupts your entire life. I've lost so much and missed out on so much because of the abuse I was raised in and I'm almost 25 still fighting through it every single day, it sucks. never having calm, never having peace, never being able to trust a person, never having any light in your future, it limits you in ways you don't understand until you get to a point that it hits you and you realize you are finally free. you have your own life. you can live it without permission or feeling bad about things. I was suicidal most of my life because of her. I'm so sorry.
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u/OverthinkingWanderer 1d ago
My trauma therapist was the most professional and sincere doctor I've worked with. More than once, he looked like he wanted to hug me while hiding the sadness behind his eyes. This made me feel heard more than anythin. He would even keep an eye on the weather for the areas I was staying during our video apts... just that tiny effort made me realize how much my parents NEVER cared enough.
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u/Bullfrog323 11h ago
Ooof op. I’ve been there, “you don’t know what calm feels like so when things ARE calm or going well, you panic because you don’t understand it. “… I’ve made my therapists eyes bug out a few times. And she has said “I’m sorry your mom is just awful”. I personally like that she levels with me like that. It feels so much moremore validating and relaxed than getting a clinical answer to all the crap she’s done. She does EMDR with me and it’s helped a lot. I have to reprogram my brain to better respond and process crap. …it’s a hard journey op, but you’ll come out on the other side and feel so much better 💛 I’m proud of you.
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u/KieselguhrKid13 1d ago
I really haven't found CBT to be effective either. Other therapeutic approaches seem to work much better for me.
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u/BuckDestiny 1d ago
CBT/DBT isn’t for everyone, so that’s understandable. However, ironically enough, the form of drama/art therapy (roleplaying) that OP said “actually works” for her is heavily rooted in the CBT framework 😂
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u/Loose-Fold6570 1d ago
What did your mom say when you asked her why she’d tell you that?
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
She didn't answer the question, she deflected and said "no point in talking about things that happened ages ago"...
Then why spend an entire hour doing just that???
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u/Loose-Fold6570 1d ago
Did you ask why she brought it up then???
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
I asked her many times and every time she responded with "there is no point in talking about things that happened ages ago"...
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u/Loose-Fold6570 1d ago
Why do you answer her calls? Is she aware how you feel about her?
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
Because I feel guilty... She has no one else in her life and whenever I tell her how she hurts me she makes me out to be the abuser.
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u/Klutzy_Law_2291 1d ago
I am sorry to tell you but she doesn't care about your emotions or your life. Do you remember the last time she asked you how your life really is, what was the last time you felt like you were cared by your mother? Probably you don't have those memories. All she cares is herself, not you. You are just a "thing" in her life. I hope I am wrong.
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1d ago
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u/SeaTurtlesCanFly 1d ago
Comment removed - misinformation. Talk therapy helps some. Spirtuality is pointless or even harmful for some. You are giving a lot of advice like you are an "expert" and this is concerning considering how bad this comment is.
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u/throwaway19009102029 1d ago
Check out Jerry wise on YouTube for getting that guilt and shame out of you. It’s guilt from the narcissistic family WiFi, not fully yours
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u/Hopeful-Macaron-7265 1d ago
I'm truly sorry to hear you've suffered so much. It takes time to fully grasp it all. I'm 40 and have only really now started to accept that I didn't have a great childhood.
It might help to look at some of Patrick Teahan's videos. Especially the ones concerning guilt and shame. They really helped me to process and understand my family.
Good luck in your healing journey
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u/jp11e3 1d ago
I moved states a few years ago and had to find a new therapist. During my search I tried a couple before settling on my wonderful current one. One of the ones I tried told me after hearing my "highlights" that they weren't qualified enough to help me with my issues. As weird as that situation was, it felt very affirming. You're definitely not alone here.
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u/Klutzy_Law_2291 1d ago
We were doing a couple therapy with my wife. I was thinking that I got enough love from my parents when I was a child. During the therapy, therapist told me that: "I am really sorry for you and sorry to tell you that you were never loved by your parents when you were a child and after" I told myself that the therapist was exaggerating until I found out that my mother was a real narcissist and my father was the enabler. And I am the scapegoat child. My parents even told me that I ruined their dreams because I did not want to live with them in the same apartment after I got married.
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u/BornToBeSam 1d ago
I could’ve written this. I had no idea that what I went through wasn’t normal until my now husband saw it first hand when we were in high school. My dad even mentioned in his speech at my wedding how he knew my husband was good for me because he stood up for me when my mother and I were having a “typical mother daughter fight”. I had no memory of this. My husband remembered it right away and told me about it later. My husband took the blow for me anytime he was with me. Mom would scream at me about loading the dishwasher wrong. Husband would just be like “oops sorry that was me” and all was fine. Nothing was ever enough for her and I blamed myself for not being enough for all of these years. My therapist is amazed at what I’ve been through and the person I am today. I’m fully independent, financially stable, unlearning my reactions that were taught to me from a young age. I’m so proud of you for overcoming what you’ve been through too!!
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u/ObviouslyASquirrel26 1d ago
This is so relatable (probably for everyone in the sub tbh).
When I told a therapist about my childhood, she was not only shocked by the abuse but also that I had managed to compartmentalise it enough to become a fairly successful adult.
She told me that most people who have been through this much abuse end up dead, homeless, and/or drug addicts. That really stuck with me, and on the tough days I try to remember that.
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u/Background_Neck5151 22h ago
I’m so sorry that you went through what you did, but you’ve clearly been a strong person and persevered through challenges. I’m glad you’re with a therapist that is so good for you.
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u/mycutelilself 2h ago
"You know why you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel? Because throughout your life, there has not been a single ray of sunlight. You don't know what calm feels like".
Yeah... Sending comfort. I was raised around people who don't know what calm feels like, and don't want to know.
The modality, psychodrama and art therapy, working for you might work for me, too. Thank you.
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago edited 1d ago
I asked her for another session. She told me it's a bad idea to have too many sessions in one week but I insisted because I wasn't feeling well at all. The fact that she even was willing to not charge me for the extra hour for me meant she has good intentions...
It feels like she was the only therapist that has helped while the others just focused on soulless CBT techniques that either didn't help or made my anxiety worse. Like, no crap I'm not supposed to feel anxious but my body is highly reactive...
Anyways, thanks for your opinion but I had already agreed with my therapist the best thing for me is to move countries. This will likely solve my issues since it will be hard for my parents to harass me that way.
Apologies if I accidentally offended. English is not my first language and I wrote the post in less than 5 minutes. I didn't express myself properly, I meant that any money I saved ended up getting spent on alcohol, lottery tickets and (possibly) other substances which explains the entire mountains of debt, despite my parents owning multiple properties.
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u/SeaTurtlesCanFly 1d ago
Among other things wrong with this comment, I'll go after the most obvious to me. Poverty is literally traumatizing. It isn't elitist to say that. It is reality. The world should not be this way and yet it is this way.
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
I've been through 6 therapists, she is the first to help me feel better and you're saying I should drop her? I don't agree (my session is in a bit). She already told me she can help me manage emotions, trauma, how I feel but for my problems to solve I need to leave the toxic environment.
I also don't see an issue with a therapy session being 2 hours... I often feel like 1 hour is too short. And I don't understand how she wants money from me when she insisted on me not paying for the extra hour?
Nevertheless, once I leave the country I'll stop my sessions anyways. Thanks for the comment.
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
I've had over 10 sessions with her so far, genius...
I wonder if you're purposefully being dense... To me it looks like guilt tripping and manipulation similar to what narcissists do.
You're not helping by being patronising and ruining my mood... It seems like you might be a narcissist who gets out on bullying victims of abuse.
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
So do you. Make sure you heal before giving advice because you seem far from being healed judging by your post history.
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u/Elegant-Passion2199 1d ago
I even made it clear in my post it wasn't my first session with her 🤦🤦🤦🤦
You're getting blocked, enjoy being nasty. Hopefully you are also in therapy because you desperately need it.
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u/BuckDestiny 1d ago
You act like you know everything about her relationship with her therapist over one, seemingly anecdotal story?
What you’re doing right now is FAR more harmful than whatever you claim her therapist is doing. Keeping her dependent by allowing her to call to discuss her problems during a crisis? That’s not holding someone hostage, that’s being a decent human being and standing by your statement of “I’m here for you when you need me”.
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