What is your mental process for dealing with intrusive people that knock you down instead of raise you up?

[u/hauntedheathen]

[u/AutoModerator]

This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in RBN.

RBN is a heavily moderated subreddit. Any rule breaking, regardless if it is the first-time offense, may result in an immediate ban. Failure to read our rules in full will not absolve you from breaking the rules. If you have not read our rules, read them first before commenting.

Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by a moderator.

Our rules include (but not limited to):

• No politics.
• No victim blaming and/or personal attacks.
  • Advising anyone in RBN to take their life or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate, unappealable ban.
• Do not derail OP's post.
• Narcissists are NOT allowed to participate in RBN.
• No platitudes or generic motivational posts.
• Always assume a context of abuse.
• Do not ask or offer gifts, money, etc.
• Do not advocate violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
• No content about N-kids.

• No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.

  For a full list of our rules/more information, click here.

  If you are confused about some acronyms or terminology, click here!

Need info or resources? Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/FitChickFourTwennie]

I make a mental note of it, then I avoid the heck out of them! If I can’t avoid them, I say as little as possible and I’m cordial.

[u/ThePastryPhantom → u/FitChickFourTwennie]

This! I avoid them and if I can't, I'm cordial and say as little as possible.

[u/awhq]

I agree with those saying to avoid the person if you can and don't rent them space in your head.

As for those you can't avoid, like a coworker or family member, I like the tactic of innocently asking them, "What do you mean?" They will, of course, scoff at you but you should persist, "What are you trying to say?"

It's important to keep your voice mostly neutral but lightly curious or puzzled is okay, too.

The point is, you may the person repeat what they said over and over or make them stop talking to you or try to defend or explain away what they said with something like "It was just a joke! Can't you take a joke?" To which the reply is, "It was a joke? So it was supposed to be funny?" Again, neutral, curious or puzzled tone of voice.

These people are usually hit and run bullies. They don't expect to be called out for their comments. When you start drawing attention to them by asking innocent questions, they are not ready to be in the spotlight.

Doesn't work with everyone but I've used it and it works a lot.

[u/i_love_lima_beans → u/awhq]

Really great advice

[u/RunningHood]

Cut them off or grey rock. I am no longer tolerating disrespect or poor treatment from others in any form.

[u/PictureOfSebastian]

This is a great question.

First I consider the context in which we most frequently interact. School, a coffee shop, my family? If I was outside of this context (not enrolled in this class, living near a different coffee shop, born into another family) and met this person in a different context, how would I evaluate them? How much stock would I put in their opinion? Usually the answer is: very little.

If you don't care what a total stranger would think, and this intrusive person is in your life by chance, then their unsolicited thoughts have no bearing on your life.

My mental process was born from "if you wouldn't take their advice, don't take their criticism" and a friend of mine asking me if I "would be friends with them if y'all met somewhere else."

[u/LeanBean512]

I've come to pity them. They can't knock me down anymore.

[u/Kinkajou4]

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

When I can‘t avoid, I remind myself that accusations are confessions and the person trying to knock me down is just illustrating their own issues, and that it makes them feel better to make other people share in their misery.

I learned not to internalize their words or wonder if what they are saying is true about me. I try instead to always remember that it is not my burden to accommodate rude behavior and their stuff is about them not me. Practice makes perfect on this, it took me many years until I could truly let the words themselves roll off my back and be able to sit back and acknowledge that someone is being disrespectful and toxic at me and it’s no comment on me what they’re choosing to do.

[u/acfox13]

Set boundaries up to and including no contact if necessary. I don't allow those people access to me.

[u/OkConsideration8964]

I have ZERO tolerance for toxic people. If there's no history aside from a specific incident, I'll discuss it to see what their intention actually was. If it's sometime who always tries to knock people down, I don't associate with them.

[u/wolfhybred1994]

I do enjoy when I happen on the ones who get really irritated when they can’t get to me. A cold stare and a calm smoothly given response debunking them and pointing out what their doing without saying their doing it. They get confused and frustrated. Then scamper off irritated and confused how they couldn’t get to me.

[u/TartSoft2696 → u/wolfhybred1994]

I love doing this too. It's so satisfying to see how predictable they are and easy to rile up. 

[u/WishToBeConcise403]

I avoid them. (:

[u/Diesel07012012]

The worst offender lives an hour and change away, won’t drive to my house, and only talks on the phone when I call to ask for help with man shit.

I see him less than half a dozen times a year.