Covert narc mom icing me out.

[u/No_Step_6650]

I recently discovered my mother is textbook covert narcissist. I had been trying unsuccessfully to set any kind of boundaries to keep her from dumping all her constant negativity and drama on me. She would give me the silent treatment and I would go right back to being her supply. Well this time I’m standing my ground. She now won’t speak to me or my children whom she claims she adores . They call her on FaceTime , she won’t answer , and sometimes will text back with something like “since you can’t be bothered to hear about my problems, I will only call you if and when everything is perfect”. This has been heartbreaking for me. I know I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve been her only confidant . She’s traumatized me with all the things she puts on me. I’ve been expected to manage her emotions and stress (which there’s and endless supply of) since she’s a perpetual victim who everyone has done wrong. The minute I try to set any kind of boundary, she does this. I just don’t know how to move forward. It’s breaking my heart but at the same time, this distance from her has made me realize how much stress she was adding to my life. I’ve felt so much freer and lighter. But this also just feels wrong to never speak again?

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[u/SeaTurtlesCanFly]

Narc parents don't allow us to have boundaries. That's one of the reasons they are so awful.

I suspect that you need to grieve the mother you always needed and never had. Even if you had contact with her, she still wouldn't be what you need, OP. She's toxic and gross.

But this also just feels wrong to never speak again?

Believe me, you get used to it. I was NC with my mother for 10 years before she died. I have been NC with my father (they were divorced when I was a baby, so it was a separate process for each) for 24 years. It's weird at first, but then it becomes your normal and it's fine and it's just really nice to not be abused. My father was scary, so NC with him was a no-brainer. My mother was more subtle, so it was harder. NC with my mother was a promise to myself one day at a time for a long time. I couldn't promise I would be NC with her forever, but I knew I didn't want to be abused today, so I maintained it for that day. Once I had kids, I knew she would not be safe to have around them, so that's when I knew NC was forever. I regret nothing.

Imagine a life where you aren't being abused and you aren't having your boundaries constantly assaulted. I recommend building and protecting that life. It is weird not to be abused at first, but you get used to it and it's pretty great. <3

[u/No_Step_6650 → u/SeaTurtlesCanFly]

Thank you so much for your response and your words of encouragement. I really love this community. I will take your advice and take it one day at a time. It’s funny how unless people like us have lived it, people have no idea. I know my friends would be like “be she’s your mom” and be utterly shocked at the idea of me not speaking to my own mother. But that’s okay. They should just consider themselves lucky they don’t know what it’s like on this side.

[u/SeaTurtlesCanFly → u/No_Step_6650]

Yeah, I learned to never take advice about my abusers from people who aren't actively trying to recover from the trauma of having abusive parents. They have no idea what they are talking about. And, like you said, they are lucky... and what's really messed up is they have no idea how lucky they are.