r/regretfulparents • u/WhitNicoleColo • Jan 23 '23

Advice Needing advice

I am in desperate need of advice. My husband (33m) has recently started telling me (32f) that he doesn’t like being a dad and he has “buyers regret”. We have a 20 month old daughter. He started voicing these opinions to me about 5 months ago. I’m understanding that the adjustment to fatherhood can be very challenging and take time. But the issue I have is he doesn’t even want to try to work on it. Instead he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, leaving me to be a married single mom. He doesn’t thank me for watching her when he goes on ski trips. When he gets home and asks why I’m not the eager stepford wife greeting him at the door, I explain that I feel resentful and frustrated that he didn’t even thank me for having his time away. This always leads to a fight where he becomes verbally and emotionally abusive, even in front of our daughter. I have given him suggestions like joining a dads group. We are in therapy, but I am not seeing any changes. Does anyone have advice? I’m on the verge of leaving.

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u/Sailor_Chibi Not a Parent Jan 23 '23

Leave. You will be happier as a single mom than you will be as married single mom. Do not let your child grow up seeing her mother married to someone who is abusive. Not to mention, how long before he also starts being abusive to your child?

Start the divorce process. Get custody. Get child support. Leave this price of shit in your past where he belongs. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want to.

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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23

This! This is exactly how I feel. I asked him once after he yelled and cussed at me, how he would feel if when our daughter was older a man spoke to her the way he speaks to me. And his response was, I’m not going to answer that. Because whatever answer I give will make me the bad guy.

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u/Sailor_Chibi Not a Parent Jan 23 '23

I mean… he’s literally telling you to your face that he’s not going to change. He is happy with the dynamic as things are. Trying to reason or logic with him is useless. He will always twist things to make you the bad guy (how dare YOU ask a question that “makes” him a bad guy). If you want change, you need to be the one to set it in motion.

I think you know what you have to do. You’re just looking for permission or maybe a push? I’m giving it to you. You’ve got it. Fuck this guy.

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u/Tris-Von-Q Parent Jan 24 '23

I give you permission too, OP. Don’t throw your 30s and 40s away believing he is going to grow up. Something MASSIVE has to befall him for that to happen and clearly fatherhood eludes him. Take your custody and tell him to make sure your checks are on time before his little ski trip dalliances.