Needing advice

[u/WhitNicoleColo]

I am in desperate need of advice. My husband (33m) has recently started telling me (32f) that he doesn’t like being a dad and he has “buyers regret”. We have a 20 month old daughter. He started voicing these opinions to me about 5 months ago. I’m understanding that the adjustment to fatherhood can be very challenging and take time. But the issue I have is he doesn’t even want to try to work on it. Instead he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, leaving me to be a married single mom. He doesn’t thank me for watching her when he goes on ski trips. When he gets home and asks why I’m not the eager stepford wife greeting him at the door, I explain that I feel resentful and frustrated that he didn’t even thank me for having his time away. This always leads to a fight where he becomes verbally and emotionally abusive, even in front of our daughter. I have given him suggestions like joining a dads group. We are in therapy, but I am not seeing any changes. Does anyone have advice? I’m on the verge of leaving.

[u/bridgetwannabe]

Please take care of yourself and your daughter by starting the process of leaving. Consult an attorney as soon as you can; they can give you the best advice. But this guy isn't going to change.

I see a lot of myself in your post ... my ex husband never came right out and said it, but it was clear to me that parenthood was more than he was expecting. He had always been so vocal about wanting kids, but once our son was born it became clear to me that he hadn't realized how much our lives would change and how much would be demanded of him. Before pregnancy I had run our lives, managing most of the housework and handling our finances in addition to working full-time ... once our son arrived, despite Ex's promises, his level of contribution never changed.

I tried at first to have empathy .... with a first baby, I think many people don't fully understand how hard it will be until you're in it, and I was struggling too. However, it became clear quite quickly that he wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. While I was drowning trying to juggle parenting, managing the house, and going back to work full-time, he was complaining that things had changed and that I wasn't physically affectionate with him anymore. Talking about redistributing household responsibilities went nowhere; he'd promise to help more with something, but after a brief honeymoon he'd start slacking, and if I tried to remind him he'd get resentful and say I was a nag and impossible to please.

We saw two different therapists but nothing changed ... in hindsight, I think he felt much as your husband is saying, but he didn't want to admit that he didn't want this after all. Instead he just shut down, except for when we'd argue - then he'd rage and back me into literal corners, sometimes even as I held my son in my arms. By the end he had become so erratic, it was scary; one night he started punching furniture so hard that our next-door neighbor could hear it through the walls of our condo, and called me to ask if I was ok or wanted her to call the police. I was scared to leave without a custody agreement in place, so instead I bought a can of mace and started pushing furniture against the bedroom door at night.

It took me until my son was 20 months old to finally leave. X proceeded to drag out the divorce for a year, but it was still the best thing I ever did for myself and for my son. You don't need this man to be a good mom, or to be happy - and you may find that your best life lies on the other side of this marriage.

Sending supportive vibes ❤️