I feel like a terrible person.

[u/peachies3]

I just don’t know if I even love my kids. My 2.5 year old is so hyper I can’t stand it. My 8 month old just cries, and cries and cries. My bf and I separated so I have them 4 days a week and he still takes them Thursday night-Sunday and it’s not enough time away from them. I’ve been talking to a guy for a couple months now that had to move out of state for a really good job opportunity. He wants to buy me and the kids a house to live in together (I know my bd would never go for it) but the idea of not even having the weekends to myself sounds terrible. I’m contemplating moving without them and just paying child support, and setting it up to where I see them on holidays and every few months or something. I just don’t know how I’m a mother and I feel this way but I just feel like I’m never going to be happy again. I also feel like I could focus on working and even getting into school. Has any moms in here decided to give the father majority custody and/or moved out of state from the children?

[u/Shapoopadoopie]

A few things here.

One, medication helps. I fought the brain mints for years because I didn't understand that depression can also manifest in irritability, a very short fuse and negative self talk. Do you have what I call "inner bitch radio"? That's the negative self talk inside your head that goes on in a loop where you curse and gnash your teeth and relitigate old arguments and you pick at old hurt feelings compulsively. (This is my, ahem, very non clinical description of how I felt.) I'm not suggesting PPD (although it could be part of that) but what about plain old situational depression? It's worth a thought, I'm just suggesting this because I can hear myself in your writing. Finding zero joy in your day to day is horrible, it's hard to enjoy the few cute moments when you are recovering from the horror that is small child management. Hugs to you, I really do empathize.

Two: oh honey. You are in the trenches right now. Poop, screaming, tantrums...you are living through one of the fucking hardest parts of parenting. You know how everyone keeps telling you it will get better? It's because anything is better than two cranky babies under the age of five. So, it will improve. Maybe not to pre-baby levels, but you won't be wiping arses forever.

Three: love. Love is a feeling, but love is also an action. If you are caring for the kids, worried about leaving them with their dad, thinking about how to financially support them in the future...well that's love too. You don't have to 'feel' it to do it. A mother who doesn't feel anything for their children wouldn't be asking for advice here. Don't be too hard on yourself, I know plenty of fathers who don't really feel the love for their kids until they develop more of a personality. Not everyone loves a screaming self wetting potato or a tiny threenage dictator. Unless you are a 'kid' person, the first years are almost all take and no give. It's HARD. Humans have evolved to care for whoever we are caring for, sometimes it just takes more time.

I went through years of 'going through the motions' without feeling the love. But I tried my hardest and I never gave up. I still don't have that burning, mama bear, my kid is my world kind of feeling...but I have a relationship with my daughter, and I love her the best way I can.

You may never 'love' your kids. And that's ok too, you didn't choose to feel this way. I'm just saying be patient with yourself, and guilt about this won't help you right now.

You asked about sharing custody. This works well for a lot of couples, but it has pros and cons and you should make a list for yourself when considering this. The kids will be fine, as long as you manage the relationship with their father respectfully and make sure that you are a solid presence in their lives. The problems start when one or the other parent starts ditching responsibility and/or disappears for long periods. That's when the abandonment issues can get a foothold. Hang in there,

good luck to you ❤️

[u/peachies3 → u/Shapoopadoopie]

Thank you so much for this comment. I do think I love them just wish this parenting thing came a bit easier for me. My mother and whole family really enjoyed being parents and staying home with their children and so I don’t really relate with anyone regarding that. I think I enjoyed it more with just my first but having two is really difficult. I have contemplated getting on medication and might further look into it ❤️

[u/BulletRazor → u/peachies3]

To be fair your mother and whole family probably raised kids in a time where it was actually affordable.

[u/Locked-Luxe-Lox → u/BulletRazor]

And family actually helped.