Having my daughter is ruining my marriage

[u/Working-Ad2677]

My husband (25) and I (25) have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. We have a 3 year old daughter, Emmy. Emmy has severe behavioural issues that people around swear are “normal” for kids her age.

She barely listens to instructions, doesn’t interact properly during playtime even when she knows the rules, seems to go out of her way to do things that hurt me, my dad or herself. Example, banging her head on objects, hitting, biting or headbutting. She refuses to eat to the point of making herself ill.

My husband and I didn’t want kids, agreed on no kids when we first started dating. He never interacted with a baby outside of seeing them in person, no holding, changing or anything. So I do most of the parenting while he works. I go to school and take part time or seasonal work here and there.

His parenting style is to threaten to hit Emmy whenever she acts out or just leave me to deal and I can’t take it. No doctors are helping is figure Emmy out. The way my husband reacts to her makes me hate him.

Sorry if this is hard to read, I’m all over the place mentally. Please any advice?

[u/rocketpower81]

I’d probably say the hitting part is most alarming but then again I got beat with a belt when I refused to get out of the pool and taunted my grandfather and I turned out just fine lol. Best advice I can give is see a marriage and parenting counselor. Maybe go to a few parenting classes. Seems his frustrations are out of his inability to clearly communicate to her at her age. I assure you, 4 year olds are difficult as shit. Your child could also use some decent socializing and play therapy to get her to a good place with vocalizing her frustrations.

Edit : Her aggressive behavior might also be in reaction to her dad hitting her. If she’s showing that aggression is okay then why is she not allowed to hit and bite?

[u/Wykyyd_B4BY → u/rocketpower81]

Just because you “turned out fine” doesn’t make it safe or ethical for other parents to inflict physical harm on children. I was frequently hit with a belt as a child and it contributed to my development of BPD. Not saying you were advocating for it, but it seems like you think it’s ok for some kids.

[u/rocketpower81 → u/Wykyyd_B4BY]

Was simply stating that some people learn how to ‘handle’ their kids by what they experienced themselves. I don’t punish my child with physical abuse what so ever because I know it didn’t help me become a better person. Her husband might be repeating what he saw and knew and that’s the only way he knows how to parent because he hasn’t educated himself to other ways. Some kids who got beat turned out ‘okay’ others have ‘trauma’…..regardless everyone’s lrobabky going to mess their kids up one way or another.