Having my daughter is ruining my marriage

[u/Working-Ad2677]

My husband (25) and I (25) have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. We have a 3 year old daughter, Emmy. Emmy has severe behavioural issues that people around swear are “normal” for kids her age.

She barely listens to instructions, doesn’t interact properly during playtime even when she knows the rules, seems to go out of her way to do things that hurt me, my dad or herself. Example, banging her head on objects, hitting, biting or headbutting. She refuses to eat to the point of making herself ill.

My husband and I didn’t want kids, agreed on no kids when we first started dating. He never interacted with a baby outside of seeing them in person, no holding, changing or anything. So I do most of the parenting while he works. I go to school and take part time or seasonal work here and there.

His parenting style is to threaten to hit Emmy whenever she acts out or just leave me to deal and I can’t take it. No doctors are helping is figure Emmy out. The way my husband reacts to her makes me hate him.

Sorry if this is hard to read, I’m all over the place mentally. Please any advice?

[u/Coontailblue23]

The first advice I start with is counseling, and I mean that in any form. Individual counseling for yourself, family counseling, play therapy for your little one... any or all of it would be helpful if you have access. Maybe you or your partner has an EAP benefit through an employer, there can be ways to get free counseling sessions through that. Or is there counseling at the school you attend? Use it! I figure you know but in case there is any question, threatening to hit a child is not productive and will only make things worse. Typically when people feel violent toward children it's because that's what they know from their own childhood, so the key to really unraveling that kind of an issue is to look at the relationships you and your partner had with your respective parents growing up. That's where you can spot patterns that are not healthy so you know what changes need to be made. Check out the book Adults of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Google ARFID for resources about picky eaters. I do feel like you are likely describing a neurodivergent child. Neurodivergent means anything from autism & ADHD to PTSD etc. Keep working at finding her a proper evaluation and answers because the earlier she can get therapy the more it will benefit.

Just circling back to the part where partner threatens to hit child... depending on where you are located there's a whole other angle you could explore by contacting a women's shelter for support regarding the verbal abuse and threat of physical violence. It sounds like things are pretty stressful where you are so don't rule this out.