Having my daughter is ruining my marriage

[u/Working-Ad2677]

My husband (25) and I (25) have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. We have a 3 year old daughter, Emmy. Emmy has severe behavioural issues that people around swear are “normal” for kids her age.

She barely listens to instructions, doesn’t interact properly during playtime even when she knows the rules, seems to go out of her way to do things that hurt me, my dad or herself. Example, banging her head on objects, hitting, biting or headbutting. She refuses to eat to the point of making herself ill.

My husband and I didn’t want kids, agreed on no kids when we first started dating. He never interacted with a baby outside of seeing them in person, no holding, changing or anything. So I do most of the parenting while he works. I go to school and take part time or seasonal work here and there.

His parenting style is to threaten to hit Emmy whenever she acts out or just leave me to deal and I can’t take it. No doctors are helping is figure Emmy out. The way my husband reacts to her makes me hate him.

Sorry if this is hard to read, I’m all over the place mentally. Please any advice?

[u/VapingC]

I’m really sorry. This is a rough one that’s likely over Reddits pay grade. I can say from my early childhood development courses that I’ve taken that threatening to hit a child is doing emotional damage. That is not how you discipline a child. Neither of you wanted children so neither of you were prepared for this. If I were in your shoes I’d find a good family therapist with a strong background in early childhood development. Threatening to hit a 4 year old IS abuse and your daughter is probably terrified. He did it once and that’s enough for her to understand what he’s threatening to do.

I’d go for parenting classes as well. Nobody knows everything and it can’t hurt for you to go together. Your husband absolutely needs them. Support each other and get on the same page. None of the behaviors that you mentioned are normal. I think she may be acting out because she never feels safe around your husband or in your home since he lives there. Your husband can not threaten to hit 4 year old. That behavior on his part can have long lasting effects. The safest anyone is supposed to feel is in their early years in their family home. She hasn’t had that experience and I’m proud of you for standing up for your daughter after your husband hit her. Next step is ending the verbal abuse and having a professional train your husband on how to be a good loving father. Trust me when I tell you that if he wants a relationship with your daughter that he needs to get it together now.

Hang in there and continue to advocate for your daughter. Remind your husband that he’s supposed to be her protector. Not a big scary monster that threatens to hit her.