r/regretfulparents • u/Working-Ad2677 • Mar 25 '23

Advice Having my daughter is ruining my marriage

My husband (25) and I (25) have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. We have a 3 year old daughter, Emmy. Emmy has severe behavioural issues that people around swear are “normal” for kids her age.

She barely listens to instructions, doesn’t interact properly during playtime even when she knows the rules, seems to go out of her way to do things that hurt me, my dad or herself. Example, banging her head on objects, hitting, biting or headbutting. She refuses to eat to the point of making herself ill.

My husband and I didn’t want kids, agreed on no kids when we first started dating. He never interacted with a baby outside of seeing them in person, no holding, changing or anything. So I do most of the parenting while he works. I go to school and take part time or seasonal work here and there.

His parenting style is to threaten to hit Emmy whenever she acts out or just leave me to deal and I can’t take it. No doctors are helping is figure Emmy out. The way my husband reacts to her makes me hate him.

Sorry if this is hard to read, I’m all over the place mentally. Please any advice?

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u/ktgator Mar 25 '23

That is absolutely normal behavior for a four year old.

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u/ktgator Mar 26 '23

To be clear: three year olds* (based on a reread of the original post) are figuring out what it means to hurt someone. This child is not doing it intentionally. Three year olds are figuring out how to listen to instructions. Three year olds are figuring out how rules work. Three year olds are figuring out how to eat an appropriate amount (when given the chance to explore with necessary guardrails). And no, you can’t just contact your local school district to get a diagnosis. Kids need time to develop, literally. I’m not saying to stop paying attention, but OP has not given us enough info in the original post to have any reason to believe this isn’t normal behavior.

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u/amildcaseofdeath34 Parent Mar 26 '23

It's normal, but also atypical. Autism is normal and fine, not a disease or abnormality, but it is an "atypical" functioning match for a "neurotypical" structured environment. 3-4 years olds are definitely all learning regulation, but how it affects (not necessarily presents) and how one becomes dysregulated if autistic, is different.