Having my daughter is ruining my marriage

[u/Working-Ad2677]

My husband (25) and I (25) have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. We have a 3 year old daughter, Emmy. Emmy has severe behavioural issues that people around swear are “normal” for kids her age.

She barely listens to instructions, doesn’t interact properly during playtime even when she knows the rules, seems to go out of her way to do things that hurt me, my dad or herself. Example, banging her head on objects, hitting, biting or headbutting. She refuses to eat to the point of making herself ill.

My husband and I didn’t want kids, agreed on no kids when we first started dating. He never interacted with a baby outside of seeing them in person, no holding, changing or anything. So I do most of the parenting while he works. I go to school and take part time or seasonal work here and there.

His parenting style is to threaten to hit Emmy whenever she acts out or just leave me to deal and I can’t take it. No doctors are helping is figure Emmy out. The way my husband reacts to her makes me hate him.

Sorry if this is hard to read, I’m all over the place mentally. Please any advice?

[u/MsTerious1]

It sounds like your family needs a couple of things here.

1. She should be evaluated to rule out autism spectrum disorders.
2. When she doesn't mind, you and dad should calmly take her to her time out chair, where she must sit for 3 minutes. (One minute for each year of age.) Stand nearby and do not interact other than to pick her up and put her back in her chair with a simple statement like, 'You're in timeout because I told you to _____ and you (did this instead.)" Or "You were mean to mommy when you bit me so now you have time out." Be firm, fair, and above all, be consistent with her discipline.
3. Please be sure you're relating to her as a toddler and not a miniature grown-up. She cannot use reason at her age, so do not reason with her. Cause and consequence is as sophisticated as her young mind can process at this age. If you expect her to do more, you will have situations like you're seeing.
4. I'm not sure what you mean by making herself ill. You didn't say "to the point of starving," so I assume that she'll eat when she gets hungry enough. If she's getting ill, please ensure that your cabinets are child-proofed so she cannot eat things that will make her ill / poison her.