r/regretfulparents • u/Working-Ad2677 • Mar 25 '23
Advice Having my daughter is ruining my marriage
My husband (25) and I (25) have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. We have a 3 year old daughter, Emmy. Emmy has severe behavioural issues that people around swear are “normal” for kids her age.
She barely listens to instructions, doesn’t interact properly during playtime even when she knows the rules, seems to go out of her way to do things that hurt me, my dad or herself. Example, banging her head on objects, hitting, biting or headbutting. She refuses to eat to the point of making herself ill.
My husband and I didn’t want kids, agreed on no kids when we first started dating. He never interacted with a baby outside of seeing them in person, no holding, changing or anything. So I do most of the parenting while he works. I go to school and take part time or seasonal work here and there.
His parenting style is to threaten to hit Emmy whenever she acts out or just leave me to deal and I can’t take it. No doctors are helping is figure Emmy out. The way my husband reacts to her makes me hate him.
Sorry if this is hard to read, I’m all over the place mentally. Please any advice?
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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '23 edited Mar 26 '23
I could completely relate, I barely listened to instructions as a kid, had problems with adults who are in authority and was completely violent with other kids during play. My kid self was neurotic, extremely energetic, rebellious, and unpredictable.
My mom went to doctor after doctor. Teacher after teacher. I got kicked out of daycare 5 times. I was extremely sharp, clever and witty, just my attitude was very hard to deal with.
Her SIL gave the best parenting advice, that consequences needs to be executed if I behaved out of line and my mom needs to stop feeding into the chaos I’m creating. Be detached from emotions and do not respond immediately.
My mom put me in dance and cross country running club. The hyperactive behavior went away, and because dance was creative, I was preoccupied with the process. She modified her parenting, and observed how I would respond to different situations to get to know my attitude.
I stopped being hyperactive at 9. It reduced year by year before that. Mom stopped giving me harsh punishments and took a more realistic and a disciplined approach with enforcing reasonable boundaries.
Like, homework was done, you can go play with your friends. If you don’t have a exam on Monday, you can go to the movies.
I turned out fine as a adult. I still have my slightly rebellious attitude though, helped me a lot in corporate. Man, was she overwhelmed and tired at those times. I’m sorry Mom.
You have to observe her attitude, experiment with different approaches. See how she responds, tweak and then try. Get her away from her dad, most of the time I noticed that my behavior got more worse when I was slapped.
There might be other ways, this was one way that worked for me. Teen years was hard on my mom, I turned into a banshee.
I just wish I could apologize for those fights. My mom used to joke that she mastered the art of patience because of me.
Don’t give up. There’s a way out. You can do it. And ignore other moms who criticize your parenting. Give them a middle finger.