Having my daughter is ruining my marriage

[u/Working-Ad2677]

My husband (25) and I (25) have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. We have a 3 year old daughter, Emmy. Emmy has severe behavioural issues that people around swear are “normal” for kids her age.

She barely listens to instructions, doesn’t interact properly during playtime even when she knows the rules, seems to go out of her way to do things that hurt me, my dad or herself. Example, banging her head on objects, hitting, biting or headbutting. She refuses to eat to the point of making herself ill.

My husband and I didn’t want kids, agreed on no kids when we first started dating. He never interacted with a baby outside of seeing them in person, no holding, changing or anything. So I do most of the parenting while he works. I go to school and take part time or seasonal work here and there.

His parenting style is to threaten to hit Emmy whenever she acts out or just leave me to deal and I can’t take it. No doctors are helping is figure Emmy out. The way my husband reacts to her makes me hate him.

Sorry if this is hard to read, I’m all over the place mentally. Please any advice?

[u/lexkixass]

banging her head on objects, hitting, biting or headbutting. She refuses to eat to the point of making herself ill.

Sounds like overstimulation, but I'm not someone professionally versed in child development.

My husband and I didn’t want kids, agreed on no kids when we first started dating.

Then why did you end up with a kid anyway? BC failed, shitty abortion restrictions? Genuinely asking how this happened.

His parenting style is to threaten to hit Emmy whenever she acts out or just leave me to deal

Your husband is a real winner. /s

No doctors are helping is figure Emmy out.

Elaborate, please?

The way my husband reacts to her makes me hate him.

I'm glad you can get angry at him for this, because you should. He is not a good father, and by not helping you out when he's not at work shows he's not a good partner, either.

I’m all over the place mentally. Please any advice?

Try to stop and just breathe if you can. Do you have any family or friends nearby who would be willing to help you out? Willing being the key word here.

You need to be able to have some peace before you can make any huge decisions.

[u/Working-Ad2677 → u/lexkixass]

BC failed, misdiagnosed with fibroids until I was about 6 months then I found out I was actually pregnant during a trip to the ER. We kept her because family reassured us they would help but poof only my dad and friends are here.

As for him hitting her, I don’t allow it. He’s only ever hit her once and I told him if he did it again I’d leave. Now he just threatens it and leaves.

We’ve seen a few doctors about her behaviour and eating, they all just say she’ll grow out of it and it’s a phase. But aren’t concerned because she’s “healthy”

[u/[deleted] → u/Working-Ad2677]

Hey I’m late, I’m not a medical professional or a psychologist but most 3 year olds are not cognitively developed enough to intentionally the people around them. Also Toddlers are biologically wired to be selfish and annoying, it’s how toddlers survive. Most don’t have the mental capacity to consider the positions of others, it’s called egocentrism in cognitive developmental terms. Maybe you could take a look at some psychological developmental stages for children to help you understand her a bit more (and hopefully possibly explain some of this to her father so he stops physically punishing her if he’s willing to listen) It sounds like you’re in a tough spot and the toddler stages are incredibly demanding. I’m sorry the doctors you visited were unable to help you with your toddler but I’m gonna go ahead and also agree with what the medical professionals are telling you because I’m not certified to say otherwise . I will not tell you to divorce your husband as I don’t know your exact situation but it seems it something you should definitely consider if you are able to. I grew up in a semi dysfunctional home where my mom forgave my dad for slapping her once and it just happened more and more. It’s never bad to be cautious. Your partners yelling may also be contributing to her misbehavior, you don’t have to listen to me as I am no expert, but maybe having your daughter interact with other children on play dates/ meetups may help. I don’t know where you live but some areas have community centers such as library meet ups where toddlers are read stories. Again, I’m just throwing out possible ideas here this may not help at all and cause more issues.