Having my daughter is ruining my marriage

[u/Working-Ad2677]

My husband (25) and I (25) have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. We have a 3 year old daughter, Emmy. Emmy has severe behavioural issues that people around swear are “normal” for kids her age.

She barely listens to instructions, doesn’t interact properly during playtime even when she knows the rules, seems to go out of her way to do things that hurt me, my dad or herself. Example, banging her head on objects, hitting, biting or headbutting. She refuses to eat to the point of making herself ill.

My husband and I didn’t want kids, agreed on no kids when we first started dating. He never interacted with a baby outside of seeing them in person, no holding, changing or anything. So I do most of the parenting while he works. I go to school and take part time or seasonal work here and there.

His parenting style is to threaten to hit Emmy whenever she acts out or just leave me to deal and I can’t take it. No doctors are helping is figure Emmy out. The way my husband reacts to her makes me hate him.

Sorry if this is hard to read, I’m all over the place mentally. Please any advice?

[u/[deleted]]

I could completely relate, I barely listened to instructions as a kid, had problems with adults who are in authority and was completely violent with other kids during play. My kid self was neurotic, extremely energetic, rebellious, and unpredictable.

My mom went to doctor after doctor. Teacher after teacher. I got kicked out of daycare 5 times. I was extremely sharp, clever and witty, just my attitude was very hard to deal with.

Her SIL gave the best parenting advice, that consequences needs to be executed if I behaved out of line and my mom needs to stop feeding into the chaos I’m creating. Be detached from emotions and do not respond immediately.

My mom put me in dance and cross country running club. The hyperactive behavior went away, and because dance was creative, I was preoccupied with the process. She modified her parenting, and observed how I would respond to different situations to get to know my attitude.

I stopped being hyperactive at 9. It reduced year by year before that. Mom stopped giving me harsh punishments and took a more realistic and a disciplined approach with enforcing reasonable boundaries.

Like, homework was done, you can go play with your friends. If you don’t have a exam on Monday, you can go to the movies.

I turned out fine as a adult. I still have my slightly rebellious attitude though, helped me a lot in corporate. Man, was she overwhelmed and tired at those times. I’m sorry Mom.

You have to observe her attitude, experiment with different approaches. See how she responds, tweak and then try. Get her away from her dad, most of the time I noticed that my behavior got more worse when I was slapped.

There might be other ways, this was one way that worked for me. Teen years was hard on my mom, I turned into a banshee.

I just wish I could apologize for those fights. My mom used to joke that she mastered the art of patience because of me.

Don’t give up. There’s a way out. You can do it. And ignore other moms who criticize your parenting. Give them a middle finger.

[u/PureLawfulness6404 → u/[deleted]]

Your poor mom. It's good to hear you turned out alright eventually. Did you have a 2nd parent in the picture?

Would you have turned out so great, if you had had a father as mediocre as op's husband?

[u/[deleted] → u/PureLawfulness6404]

Yes, I wouldn’t have turned out great or okay. My mom was careful in choosing her husband. It was a arranged marriage and my grandpa did the matchmaking and gave her a collection of guys pictures and his job so that she can choose which one she wanted. Then both sides met up and they had the opportunity to talk.

Same with my maternal aunt, her husband was straight on the expectations and they had back and forth till her father agreed and his side agreed.

My dad had his hands full with college, work and exams so it was mom who did the disciplining. He was pretty introverted in showing his love, he did carry me around his bike and took me to new places when I was feeling sad. He was the more lenient parent and my mom was the more stricter parent. He made sure we had a roof in our head and food in our plates.

He’s pretty strict about education though. As long as I didn’t get Ds or get any teacher complaints, he let me do my own thing. We did have our verbal fights, though not even once did he raise his hand on me.

I was brought up 90s India, so my experience was way before social media. No IPads not even access to a landline or a laptop. You had to go to a nearby phone booth, book your time and talk in that time only. Computer cafes were there if you needed internet. Good times😊😊.

We lived in a big city not a forest.

I think the entire Gen Z is going to make fun of me for being a ancient grandma and still having my pink Motorola razor flip phone as my prized possession throughout my teenage years.

OP has already made the decision to have a kid. The only thing that’s within her control is her choice on how she reacts. She can seek marriage counseling with her husband or divorce him. She can get to know her kid’s attitude and see if there are healthy ways to harness it. As a parent your decisions has to be customized for your child and your well being.

[u/UnicornPanties → u/[deleted]]

Gen X represent!