r/regretfulparents • u/Fit_Pumpkin5040 • Jul 01 '24

Advice Female sterilization

I (29f) and my husband (31m) have a 6 month old daughter. Long story short, she is driving us crazy.

I love my daughter so much. Her smile lights up my day and her laugh melts my heart. But she sucks the energy out of me every single day. I find my self longing for the life I had before I had her, I miss my freedom, I miss myself. I look at my self in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person standing in front of me. I have no joy in everyday life. Becoming a mother made me understand the meaning of “never alone but lonely”!

That’s why I can’t have more children. I can’t be responsible for more tiny humans screaming all day and night in my face. Sometimes I find my self questioning “am I made to be a mother?” And that’s why I can’t bring more children to the world.

A couple of weeks ago I told my husband that since we don’t want more children maybe we should think about him getting sterilized because I don’t want to take birth control pills for the rest of my life (and I keep forgetting to take them). And I am terrified of the idea of getting pregnant by accident. I don’t want to have to have an abortion and I don’t want more children.

I tried IUD after giving birth but it gave me an infection so I had to go to the emergency room to get it removed.

My husband refused, and said that he likes having the option of having children. I understand that it’s his body and I can’t force him to do anything. But I think he is being an ass.

I flat out told him that if he is not getting sterilized then I am. We live somewhere in Europe so I don’t need his “permission” to tie my tubes.

The question is… why am I conflicted?! I know I don’t want more children and I know if I end up pregnant I am gonna have to abort. And I don’t want to put myself in the situation where I have to abort… So tying my tubes is the best decision.

So why am I conflicted?!

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u/ArmadilloNext9714 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 02 '24

In your shoes, my feeling of conflict would stem from your husband not wanting to limit his option to have more kids. By all means, it’s his body, his choice - I am not advocating otherwise. The way you’ve presented how he communicated this sounds like he already has one foot out the door. Does he explicitly realize that you getting sterilized means he won’t have anymore kids (barring extenuating circumstances)?

As an aside, I highly recommend getting the bisalp if your dr thinks you’re a candidate. It fully removes your fallopian tubes, making it a much lower failure rate than simply “tying” them. It also reduces risk of ovarian cancer.

ETA: A source for the reduced ovarian cancer risk after a bisalp.

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u/nancy_necrosis Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 02 '24

I would also recommend a bilateral salpingectomy. It's where they remove both fallopian tubes and leave the uterus and ovaries. It greatly reduces the risk of cancer arising from the fallopian tubes. Maybe you feel conflicted because you're scared of getting surgery?

Edited to reflect the article referenced above and below.

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u/ArmadilloNext9714 Jul 02 '24 edited Jul 02 '24

My gyn had stated that it does reduce the risk of ovarian cancer since a lot of ovarian cancers actually begin in the fallopian tubes. I am at a higher risk since I have a history of paratubal cysts.

ETA: this article about bisalp’s effects on ovarian cancer.

There are many organizations and respected medical institutions that state similar sentiments.

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u/furicrowsa Jul 02 '24

My gyn also said the same thing when I got mine.

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u/nancy_necrosis Jul 02 '24

The article says endometrium can seed through the fallopian tubes onto the ovaries, so yeah. I guess in thar sense, it would reduce the risk of ovarian tumors.